192. Combating Emotional Numbness

Emotional numbness can sneak up on us when staying busy becomes our primary coping mechanism. Over time, we lose touch with our feelings, believing that functioning well is the same as being okay. By challenging the myths we’ve absorbed, expanding our emotional vocabulary, and taking small, intentional steps to feel again, we reclaim our capacity for joy, connection, and purpose.

If we were sad, we were told to cheer up. If we were angry, we were told to calm down. If we were hurt, we were told to toughen up. So we did.

Are you feeling like you’re doing everything right on paper, yet nothing feels quite right inside? Are you so used to pushing through that you can’t remember the last time you actually felt excited or joyful? Are you starting to realize that being constantly “fine” might actually be a sign that you’ve gone emotionally numb?

You’ll learn that emotional numbness isn’t a personal failure or a lack of strength—it’s a protective mechanism that high-achieving women often develop to survive constant pressure and unrealistic expectations. By understanding what it is, why it happens, and how to reconnect with your emotions, you can begin to feel more present, authentic, and alive in your life and career.

WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER

• Why emotional numbness is so common among high-achieving women and how it quietly strips away our joy, creativity, and connection even when everything looks “fine” on the outside

• 5 practical steps to begin feeling again

• Why redefining what strength really means is essential to reclaiming our agency and creating a career and life that truly feel like our own

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TRANSCRIPT

Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and ninety-two. I'm your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

For many high-achieving women, especially those navigating male-dominated professions, pushing through has become second nature. The deadlines, the expectations, the constant pressure to prove yourself – it never really stops. Somewhere along the line, staying busy became an acceptable way to sidestep the discomfort of actually feeling our feelings. What begins as a practical way to cope can quietly turn into a pattern of emotional disconnection. On the surface, everything may appear polished and pulled together, but internally there's a quiet numbness. The joy is gone, the excitement you once thrived on, nowhere to be found. You're performing, producing, maybe even excelling – but disconnected from the person you are.

In this episode we're exploring how emotional numbness shows up, why high-achieving women are especially prone to it, and what it really means when feeling nothing starts to feel normal. You're not broken – your nervous system has simply been trying to keep you safe. But here's the problem, because when you shut out pain, you also shut out happiness, curiosity, and connection. The longer we avoid discomfort, the more we lose access to what makes life feel meaningful. So, let's dig into why this happens and how to begin the brave work of feeling our feelings again. 

So many high-achieving women, myself included, become numb to their emotions as a coping mechanism. And we're good at it. We stay busy, we push through, and we get the job done. We manage the team, meet the deadlines, handle things at home, say 'yes' when we would rather say 'no', and pride ourselves on being the one who always comes through. We get so good at functioning that we start to believe it's the same thing as feeling okay. 

But it's not. And it never was. 

It's more like we feel nothing at all. Not sad, not happy, not even annoyed enough to care that someone talked over us in yet another meeting. Just flat, like we've decided to bury our feelings because that feels safer than facing whatever's simmering underneath. 

Maybe this sounds familiar. Then, chances are you've hit that moment – the one where you realize that, despite everything looking fine on the outside, you can't remember the last time you genuinely felt excited about anything. Not the hobbies you used to love, not even the vacation you planned and should be looking forward to. 

This emotional flatlining doesn't happen overnight. It's not a single decision to stop feeling – it's more of a slow fade. This gradual detachment often starts when we begin ignoring the uncomfortable stuff – the sadness, the frustration, the resentment, the disappointment, and even the shame. You're not alone. We all do it. Because who has time to unravel their emotional baggage when you're already booked solid with meetings, project deadlines, performance reviews, and parenting duties? It's easier to just keep moving, keep getting things done, and just keep showing up as if everything is okay. Because it's not as if anyone really cares anyway. 

But the trouble with stuffing your feelings down is that you don't get to pick and choose what you mute. When you block out pain, discomfort, and vulnerability, you also dull joy, excitement, and connection. You don't just lose the bad, you lose everything. 

So, why does this happen? 

For starters, many of us were never taught how to feel our feelings, especially not in professional settings. We learned to keep it together, to be 'strong', and to power through. Somewhere along the way, strength got equated with stoicism, and expressing emotion became a liability. If we were sad, we were told to cheer up. If we were angry, we were told to calm down. If we were hurt, we were told to toughen up. So we did. We learned to hustle through our heartbreak, strategize our way out of disappointment, and fill our schedule to avoid our frustration.

And, it sort of 'worked'. 

But now? Now we're walking around like empty vessels – high-functioning, competent, and maybe even successful by most standards, but inwardly disconnected from our own experience of being alive. We employ various coping tactics. We scroll. We snack. We work late. We say 'yes' to projects we don't care about. We make lists. We organize our closets and our pantries. We take on 'just one more thing' because if we stay busy enough, we won't have to sit still long enough to feel the ache of emptiness creeping in.

Here are some examples of what emotional numbness looks like in real life: 

• Losing interest in things that once lit you up. 

• Constant fatigue or poor sleep. 

• Feeling 'blah' about both the good and the bad. 

• Keeping yourself distracted all the time to keep that unsettled feeling at bay. 

• Not knowing what you want or need because you're so used to ignoring it. 

• Being told you're doing great while internally feeling completely checked-out.

And, maybe the most disorienting part, everyone else thinks you're fine. They think you're even doing well because, from the outside, it looks like you're succeeding. So, what's wrong with you? Why can't you just be grateful and keep going? 

Because this isn't fine. Being emotionally flatlined isn't normal – it's just common. And it's time we start treating it like the serious symptom that it is. 

So, let's talk about the four most common beliefs that keep us stuck here – the emotional myths we bought into for far too long: 

Myth #1: "I shouldn't feel like this" 

This one creates quite the shame spiral. You've got a good job, people who depend on you, maybe even a decent salary and a great parking spot. So, what right do you have to feel anything less than content? Emotions aren't good or bad, right or wrong. They're just signals and important data. Telling yourself you 'shouldn't' feel something doesn't make that emotion go away. In fact, it just ensures it goes underground, where it can fester. You're allowed to feel what you feel. And frankly, I'm tired of people telling me how I should feel. Aren't you? 

Myth #2: "I just need to stay positive" 

This is where toxic positivity strikes again. This myth tells us that if we just put on a smile, everything will magically feel better. And yet, it doesn't. While gratitude is great, it's not a substitute for processing real emotional pain. Telling yourself to stay positive in the face of burnout, grief, or disappointment isn't brave – it's avoidance, plain and simple. You don't have to continue to deny that pain is there. It's better to acknowledge it and process it. 

Myth #3: "Showing emotion is a weakness" 

This one runs deep, especially in male-dominated environments where being perceived as 'emotional' can tank your credibility in a heartbeat. But suppressing your emotions doesn't make you stronger; it makes you more disconnected. The strongest leaders I know are emotionally intelligent. They know how to name what they're feeling, own it, and work through it, so it doesn't blindside them at the worst possible moment. 

Myth #4: "Other people make me feel this way" 

This one is sneaky, because yes, people can absolutely do and say hurtful things, but they don't make you feel anything. That's your interpretation. Your emotional response is yours. And that's the good news, because it means you can change it. When you blame others for your feelings, you hand them your power. But when you take ownership of your emotions, even the hard ones, you reclaim your agency. 

In my experience, emotional numbness worked – until it didn't. At first, it was a survival strategy. It helped me to continue to show up, get through the tough days, and hold it together when it didn't feel safe to be seen as falling apart. But over time, I became dependent on that coping mechanism of stuffing everything down. I stopped noticing I was even doing it. And eventually, I realized that I really didn't know how to deal with my feelings. I didn't know how not to be numb. And I was afraid that if I let myself feel what I was really feeling, it would be the beginning of a downward spiral that I wouldn't be able to get myself out of.

Maybe you've already had that moment. You're sitting in a meeting, nodding at the right times, but internally thinking, when did I stop feeling excited about my work? When did everything become so muted? 

Or maybe it hit you at home – sitting on the couch, exhausted but restless, scrolling aimlessly, binging an entire season of a mindless show, with wine glass in hand, as a means of escape. Nothing is wrong, exactly. But nothing feels right either. You can't remember the last time you genuinely laughed really hard, or actually wanted to do something just for you. And if you've experienced that realization, it can feel pretty devastating. 

It's almost a sadness combined with frustration and sometimes a bit of disappointment. It's the grief of being disconnected from your own life. It's like you've been pretending to be fine for so long that you can't find your way back to yourself. And yet, the desire is there to feel more like yourself again.

So, how do we start the journey back? 

First, understand what emotions are actually for. Emotions aren't a problem to fix. They're information or signals, giving us insight about what we need, what we value, and what we're trying to protect. When we judge ourselves for having emotions or try to shut them down, we're cutting off communication with ourselves. 

This is where emotional literacy comes in. All I remember being taught about emotions were the four basic feelings: mad, sad, glad, and scared. That's it. No nuance. I've come to learn that there's a whole emotional vocabulary I was missing out on. Who knew? 

Improving your emotional literacy is about expanding that vocabulary, learning the difference between irritated and resentful, or disappointed and devastated. Because naming your emotions accurately reduces their intensity. It gives your brain a way to process it instead of spinning out. 

So, when you feel something uncomfortable, instead of brushing it off and trying to convince yourself that you're fine, try this:

• Name the feeling, without judgment by completing a sentence like, "I feel [whatever it is you're feeling in the moment]". 

• If the words don't come easily, or you can't find a word to accurately describe what you're feeling, try using a chart of emotions. It might feel strange at first, but trust me, it's powerful. 

• Then, ask yourself, "What is this emotion trying to tell me?". Maybe your frustration is signaling a boundary you've let slide. Maybe your sadness is reminding you of a loss you haven't yet grieved. Or, maybe your anxiety is pointing towards a values misalignment. 

It's not a matter of sitting in the emotion forever, and actually, they don't last very long – maybe ninety seconds. The goal is to notice, lean into what that feeling is trying to tell you, and move through it with more self-awareness. 

Second, pay attention to what triggers you at work, because our jobs tend to give us plenty of emotional material to work with. 

You might think you're angry because your colleague interrupted you again in a meeting, but what if you're actually feeling dismissed, invisible, and not valued for your contributions? That's not just about their behavior – it's about what it stirred up in you. 

We all have emotional triggers, certain patterns or behaviors from others that make us want to roll our eyes, shut down, or silently rage, all while pretending nothing is wrong. But sometimes, our reactions aren't just about the other person. Sometimes, they're shining a light on something inside of us. 

Let's say you feel irritated every time your teammate brags about their work. Are they truly being obnoxious? Maybe. But, is it also possible that their confidence triggers something in you – like envy or the shame of not feeling seen? Could it be you wish you felt that comfortable owning your wins?

Or, maybe your micromanaging boss drives you bananas? That's fair. But it might also remind you of growing up with a hypercritical parent. So, your reaction is not just about this boss; it's also about any person in a position of authority. 

This is why emotional regulation matters. When you pause and decode what's really going on, you regain your agency. You stop reacting automatically and start responding intentionally. 

So, when someone's behavior gets under your skin, ask yourself, "What story am I telling myself about this?". Because what we're reacting to isn't always the thing that just happened. It's our interpretation of the situation. 

That person who didn't respond to your message? You might interpret that as, "They don't respect me" or "I'm being ignored". But the truth is, we don't know why they didn't respond. It might have nothing to do with you, but your story makes it personal. And once it's personal, it stings. 

We do this all the time. We assume people's behavior means something about us. That's human nature. But, it's also dangerous when we're emotionally numb because we're operating on assumptions rather than clear emotional insights. Getting curious about your interpretations helps unhook you from these assumptions. It's not about giving people a pass for bad behavior. It's about seeing your part in the dynamic so you can stop reactivating the same emotional loop, over and over again.

What keeps showing up for you at work and in your relationships? Do you keep feeling dismissed, even in different work environments? Do you keep saying 'yes' to things that drain you? Do you consistently feel like you're doing 'everything for everyone' and still feel like it's never enough? 

These types of patterns are gold. Not because they feel good, but because they hold clues. If you're always feeling undervalued, maybe it's time to look at where you're undervaluing yourself. If you're constantly exhausted, maybe your coping mechanism of staying busy is backfiring. If you keep bending over backwards for people who don't return the effort, maybe your boundaries need reinforcing – and maybe you're afraid of what happens when you have to enforce them. 

Again, none of this is about blaming yourself. It's about empowering yourself. You can't fix what you haven't yet acknowledged, and staying numb is one way we avoid having to do that uncomfortable work.

In order to combat emotional numbness, you just need to take one small, intentional step toward feeling again. Here are five ways that could help you begin: 

1. Identify one emotional myth you've internalized – and challenge it. Maybe it's "I shouldn't feel like this" or "Showing emotion is weakness". Write it down. Then, ask yourself, "Where is this coming from?" and, "Is it still serving me?". 

2. Check in with your body three times a day. Set an alarm on your phone to remind yourself to pause and choose one word to describe what you're feeling, right now. Not what you think you should be feeling or even what's logical, but rather, just notice what's there. 

3. Get curious when you're annoyed or frustrated. Don't brush it off. Ask yourself, "What story am I telling myself about this person or situation?". Often our strongest emotional reactions aren't about what actually happened – they're about the meaning we've attached to it. 

4. Reconnect with one joyful habit that used to light you up. Pick something, like painting, reading, running, or dancing in your kitchen – whatever it was – and give it a try. It's going to feel awkward, at least at first. But the point isn't to be good at it. It's just to start to feel something again. 

5. Set one boundary that protects your energy. Keep it simple by choosing just one. Maybe it's leaving the office at a set time. Maybe it's not making yourself available for work meetings after 6pm. Or, maybe it's asking for help instead of pretending that you've got it handled all on your own. Boundaries aren't selfish. They're necessary. 

The interesting thing is that emotional numbness can actually feel comfortably familiar, even addictive, especially for high-achieving women who have spent years equating emotional detachment with competence, control, and credibility.

What makes this so tricky is that numbness doesn't always feel like a problem. It can feel like having clarity, focus, and like being unshakable in high-pressure environments. It becomes a part of your identity – you're the one who doesn't break, who always delivers, who never makes things more complicated than they need to be. 

And, so even when you suspect something's off – when the excitement is gone or the connection feels hollow – part of you resists letting go of the numbness because it's been your armor. What if reconnecting with your emotions makes you less effective, less impressive, or more vulnerable to criticism in a world that already questions your place at the table? Maybe that's the real fear. 

Sometimes, we don't just avoid emotions because they're painful, we avoid them because we've built our success around not needing them. Reclaiming your emotional range requires redefining what strength actually looks like – and being willing to let go of the version of you that was just trying to survive.

High-achieving women often cope with emotional distress by staying busy and pushing through, unintentionally numbing not just their pain, but also their capacity for joy, connection, and true fulfillment. By recognizing the signs of emotional numbness, challenging the myths we've internalized about strength and what we're supposed to feel, and then taking small, intentional steps to feel again, we can begin to reconnect with our full emotional range. 

Because the goal isn't just to survive – it's to come alive, reclaim our joy, and build a career (and a life) that actually feels like our own.

And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Feeling Again at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and ninety-two.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com. 

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.  

Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.