206. Thriving When You're The Only One
- 1 day ago
- 13 min read
Navigating spaces where we’re the only one can distort how we see our progress, so we learn to validate our own experiences, define success by our own metrics, and celebrate wins without waiting for recognition. We turn vague feedback into actionable growth and build community beyond our workplace. Through small, consistent acts of self-advocacy, we create an upward spiral of resilience and momentum.
There's no one to catch your eye when someone says something wildly inappropriate and pretends it was a joke.
Are you the only woman in the room and questioning whether your struggles are a sign you’re falling behind? Are you receiving vague or contradictory feedback that makes it hard to measure your progress? Are you downplaying your wins because no one around you truly understands what it took to achieve them?
You’ll learn that thriving in isolation requires shifting to self-defined success metrics, building external support systems, and using small, consistent actions to create momentum and resilience.
WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER
Why relying on external validation keeps you stuck
7 practical tips to help you validate your own experience, build resilience, and find your community
Why focusing on what you can control creates an upward spiral even in environments that weren’t designed to recognize your value
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TRANSCRIPT
Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode two hundred and six. I'm your host Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way.
Being the only woman in the room, or one of very few, creates a peculiar kind of professional loneliness that's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it. There's no one to catch your eye when someone says something wildly inappropriate and pretends it was a joke. No one to compare notes with about whether that feedback was actually useful or just vague nonsense designed to keep you guessing. No one to celebrate your wins with who truly understands what it took to achieve them in an environment that isn't exactly encouraging. This isolation doesn't just feel uncomfortable—it actively undermines your ability to gauge your own progress, validate your experiences, and build the resilience you need to keep moving forward. And the worst part? You start to wonder if maybe you're the problem, if maybe you're being too sensitive, or maybe you just don't have what it takes.
In this episode, we'll explore how to recognize and celebrate your progress when you have no one to reflect it back to you, how to turn vague and useless feedback into something actionable, and how to avoid the comparison trap that distorts your sense of achievement. We'll look at why creating a community outside your organization isn't just a nice-to-have—it's essential for your survival. And we'll discuss how to build your own developmental roadmap where you can focus on becoming stronger, more resilient, and more capable of weathering whatever comes your way. This is about reclaiming your power to define success on your own terms and creating an upward spiral that keeps you moving forward, even when you're navigating this path alone.
Let's start by acknowledging what makes this situation so uniquely difficult. When you're the only woman, or one of very few in your workplace, you're operating without the built-in support system that your male colleagues often take for granted. They can look around the room and see people who look like them, who've walked similar paths, who understand their experiences without needing lengthy explanations. They have informal mentors, casual advocates, and a whole network of people who reflexively believe in their competence. Unfortunately, you may have none of that. And that absence creates a series of challenges that compound over time, quietly eroding your confidence and making it harder to assess whether you're making progress or just spinning your wheels.
One of the first problems you'll run into is the inability to validate your own experience. When something frustrating happens—a colleague takes credit for your idea, your manager gives you vague feedback, or you're passed over for a promotion despite being clearly qualified—you have no one to turn to who can confirm that, yes, that was messed up, and no, it's not just you. Without that external validation, you start second-guessing yourself. Maybe you didn't communicate your idea clearly enough. Maybe the feedback wasn't vague, maybe you're just not understanding what they want. Maybe you weren't actually qualified for that promotion. You internalize the problem instead of recognizing it as a systemic issue, and over time, that chips away at your confidence.
Then there's the issue of celebrating your wins. When you accomplish something significant—you close a major deal, you solve a complex technical problem, you deliver a successful project—you want to share that victory with someone who gets it. But when there's no one around who understands the obstacles you had to overcome to get there, the celebration feels hollow. Your male colleagues might congratulate you, but they don't fully grasp what it took. They don't know about the times you were talked over in meetings, the times your expertise was questioned, or the times you had to work twice as hard to get even a little bit of the recognition you deserved. So, you downplay your achievements, tell yourself they're not that big of a deal, and move on without truly acknowledging how far you've come.
The feedback situation is particularly infuriating. In theory, performance reviews and feedback sessions are supposed to help you understand where you stand and what you need to do to advance. In practice, when you're the only woman, feedback often ranges from suspiciously vague to outright contradictory. You're told you're "doing great", but you're not promoted. You're told to "speak up more", but when you do, now you're "too aggressive". You're told you need "more executive presence", but no one can truly define what that actually means. And because you don't have peers to compare notes with, you can't tell if this is normal or if you're being singled out. You can't tell if the goal posts are genuinely shifting or if you're just not reading the signals correctly.
Let me tell you what happens if you don't address this. If you continue navigating your career in isolation, without finding ways to validate your experience, celebrate your wins, and build your own support system, you will burn out. You will start to believe that the problem is you—that you're not resilient enough, not smart enough, or not strategic enough. You'll lose touch with your strengths and begin to see yourself through the distorted lens of a system that was never designed to recognize your value. Your confidence will erode, your performance will suffer, and eventually, you'll either leave or settle into a version of yourself that's so diminished you barely recognize her.
The professional consequences are just as serious. When you're constantly second-guessing yourself, you stop advocating for the opportunities you deserve. You don't ask for the promotion because you're not sure you're actually ready. You don't volunteer for the high-visibility project because you assume someone else is better qualified. You don't negotiate your salary because you're worried you'll be seen as difficult. And all of that hesitation—it costs you. It costs you money, career advancement, and the chance to do work that actually excites you. Meanwhile, your colleagues, who are no more qualified than you, are confidently stepping into those opportunities because they never thought to doubt themselves.
Here's the thing we need to reframe: struggling in a toxic environment is not evidence that you're inadequate. It's evidence that the environment is challenging. Your colleagues aren't thriving because they're inherently better or more resilient—they're thriving because the 'powers that be', who are making the decisions, make it easier for them. You're navigating additional obstacles that they don't even see. And the fact that you're still here, still performing, still pushing forward, is a testament to your strength, not your weakness.
Another belief that holds us back is the idea that if our wins really mattered, someone would have noticed. We wait for recognition that never comes, and we interpret that silence as confirmation that our achievements aren't significant. But recognition isn't a reliable measure of value. Your wins matter whether someone acknowledges them, or not. The problem isn't that your accomplishments are too small—the problem is that the people around you have been conditioned to overlook contributions that don't fit their stereotypical model of what success looks like. And that's on them, not you.
We also tend to believe that we need others to validate our experience, and while their support is incredibly valuable, your experience is valid on its own. You don't need someone else to confirm that what you're going through is real. You can trust your instincts. If something feels off, it probably is. If a situation seems unfair, it likely is. You don't need a consensus to know that you deserve better.
The comparison trap is another insidious belief that distorts our sense of progress. We look at our colleagues and wonder why they seem to be advancing faster, getting more recognition, or having an easier time. But we're not comparing apples to apples. They're playing a different game with different rules, and measuring ourselves against them only makes us feel like we're falling short. Your growth is yours alone to define, and it's going to look different from theirs—not because you're less capable, but because you're navigating a fundamentally different landscape.
And finally, we tend to believe that if feedback is vague, it means we're not doing well. But vague feedback often says more about the person giving it than the person receiving it. It can signal that the person giving you feedback doesn't know how to evaluate you fairly, doesn't want to be honest about their bias, or simply hasn't put in the effort to give you useful guidance. You can—and should—push for clarity. But, if it's not forthcoming, that's not a reflection of your performance—it's a reflection of poor management.
So, what should you watch out for as you navigate being the only one?
Watch for isolation disguised as independence: It can feel empowering at first to be the only woman in the room, like you're breaking new ground or proving that you belong. But over time, that isolation starts to wear on you. You feel like you're carrying the weight of representing all women. You're absorbing microaggressions with no one to process them with. And, you're making decisions in a vacuum because there's no one who shares your perspective. When independence starts feeling like abandonment, it's time to seek support, even if that means looking outside your organization.
Watch for feedback that's suspiciously vague: If you're hearing things like, "You're doing great" or "Keep up the good work" without any specifics, that's a red flag. Vague feedback prevents you from understanding what you actually need to do differently, which keeps you in a holding pattern. It also makes it impossible to advocate for yourself because you can't point to concrete areas where you've improved or met expectations. When feedback lacks specificity, push for more clarity. Ask for examples. Ask for metrics. Ask for clear criteria. If your manager can't provide it, that tells you something important about how seriously they're taking your development.
Watch for shifting goalposts: This is a classic tactic used to keep women from advancing while maintaining plausible deniability. You meet one set of criteria for promotion, only to be told there's something else you need to do first. Then you do that, and there's another requirement, and then another. Meanwhile, your colleagues are being promoted with far less scrutiny. If you notice this pattern, document it. Track what you were told, what you accomplished, and what the new requirements are. This documentation becomes evidence that you're being held to a different standard, and it gives you leverage, should you decide to escalate the issue. But remember, that's completely up to you.
Watch for the comparison trap, both externally and internally: Externally, others may compare you to your colleagues in ways that ignore the different obstacles you face. Internally, you may fall into the trap of measuring yourself against people whose paths are fundamentally different from yours. When you catch yourself comparing, pause. Ask yourself whether the comparison is useful or just making you feel more inadequate. Most of the time, it's the latter.
Watch for overcompensation through perfectionism: When you're the only one, there's immense pressure to feel like you have to do things perfectly. This can lead to overworking, overdelivering, and setting impossibly high standards for yourself. But perfectionism isn't sustainable, and it doesn't actually protect you from criticism or bias. In fact, it often backfires, because no amount of perfection will satisfy people who are fundamentally unwilling to see your value.
Now, let's talk about how to make this easier on yourself. The key is to focus on what you can control: how you validate your own experience, how you define success, and how you build resilience and community on your own terms.
Find and create community outside your organization: Join professional organizations for women in STEM, attend industry conferences, and connect with women in similar roles through online communities. These connections offer the reflection and support you're missing internally. They can help you validate your experiences, celebrate your wins, and offer advice based on their own journeys. The beauty of external communities is that they're not constrained by your company's politics or culture. You can be honest about what you're going through, without worrying about how it might affect your reputation or relationships at work. Show up, engage, and start building relationships with women who get it. This isn't just about networking for career advancement—it's about finding your people, the ones who understand what you're navigating and can remind you that you're not alone.
Turn vague feedback into a growth opportunity: When feedback is unhelpful, don't accept it passively. Ask clarifying questions: Can you give me a specific example? Or, what would success look like in this area? If the feedback remains vague, recognize that it's not useful data—it's noise. Focus on feedback that's actionable and ignore the rest. After your next performance review or feedback session, write down three specific actionable takeaways. If you can't find at least three, the feedback was too vague. Try following up with your manager to get clarity. Frame it as wanting to ensure you understand expectations, not as challenging their assessment. Most managers will appreciate the initiative, and even if they don't provide better feedback right away, you've signaled that you expect more from them.
Create your own developmental roadmap: If your organization isn't providing a clear path forward, build one for yourself. Identify the skills, experiences, and support networks you need to reach your next goal. Seek out new and challenging assignments, ask for opportunities to lead, and invest in professional development that aligns with your vision—not just what your company values. Map out your next three career moves. For each one, identify the skills you need to develop, the experiences you need to gain, and the relationships you need to build. Then, take one action this week toward your first goal. This could be signing up for a course, reaching out to someone you know, or letting it be known that you want to be a part of an upcoming project that will give you relevant experience. The point is to stop waiting for someone else to hand you a roadmap and start creating your own.
Re-center yourself with personal metrics for success: Stop measuring yourself against people whose paths don't reflect yours. Instead, define your own metrics for success. What does growth look like for you? What skills are you developing? What impact are you having? Write down three personal metrics for success that matter to you—these could be related to skills, impact, work-life balance, or personal fulfillment. Check in with yourself on these regularly. This shift in focus can be incredibly liberating because it frees you from the constant anxiety of wondering whether you're keeping up. You're not in a race with anyone else. You're on your own path and you get to decide what success looks like.
Learn from others without diminishing yourself: Use your observations as data, not as evidence you're failing. When you find yourself comparing yourself to others, pause and ask, "What's one thing I can learn from this person's approach?". Then, shift your focus back to your own growth. This reframes comparison from a source of insecurity, to a source of insight, which is much healthier and more productive use of your mental energy.
Build resilience by focusing on becoming stronger: Your goal isn't just to survive—it's to become more resilient, more adaptable, and more confident in your ability to weather whatever comes your way. This means investing in your mental strength, setting boundaries, and practicing self-compassion when things get hard. Identify one area where you want to build more resilience—maybe it's handling criticism, advocating for yourself, or managing stress. Choose one small practice, like journaling, seeking feedback, or setting a boundary, and commit to it for the next month. Resilience isn't built overnight, but small, consistent actions compound into real strength over time.
Consistent actions build momentum: Instead of waiting for external conditions to improve, create your own upward spiral. Each small win builds momentum. Each act of self-advocacy strengthens your confidence. Each boundary you set protects your energy. Over time, these small actions compound into real, sustainable progress. At the end of each week, identify one small action you took that moved you forward. Acknowledge it, celebrate it, and commit to taking one more next week. This creates a cycle of progress that builds on itself, generating momentum even when external circumstances aren't changing.
At this point, I want to be clear about something: none of this is fair. You shouldn't have to work this hard just to validate your own experience and build the support systems that your colleagues seem to get automatically. You shouldn't have to create your own developmental roadmap because there doesn't seem to be one. You shouldn't have to celebrate your wins alone or build community outside your workplace because there's no one inside who gets it. But fairness isn't the issue here—power is. You have the power to define success on your own terms and to validate your own experience.
Being the only one is lonely, exhausting, and often frustrating. But it doesn't mean you're powerless and it doesn't mean you're failing. It means you're navigating a landscape that takes skill, resilience, and courage. Every day you show up, every win you achieve, every boundary you set, and every act of self-advocacy—that's evidence of your strength. You don't need the acknowledgment of others to prove your progress is real. You don't need external validation to know your wins matter.
Focus on what's within your control, how you define success, how you measure growth, and how you build resilience. Over time, these small, intentional actions create an upward spiral that carries you forward—even when you're navigating this path alone. You've got this. And you don't need anyone's permission to believe in yourself.
And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Thriving When You're the Only One at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode two hundred and six.
Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.
Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.
