176. Do You Actually Want Feedback Or Just Compliments?

It’s tempting to chase compliments, especially when we’ve worked hard, but they rarely help us grow. By learning to ask for, receive, and act on honest feedback—even when it stings—we can uncover our blind spots and make strategic adjustments that move our careers forward. Choosing growth over comfort is how we go from being seen as competent to being recognized as impactful and indispensable.

That requires being willing to hear the tough feedback and welcoming the awkward conversations. It means getting curious about the ways we might be getting in our own way.

Are you finding yourself craving praise but avoiding the discomfort of real feedback? Are you unsure how others truly perceive you at work—and worried that it’s holding you back? Are you trying to grow in your career but feel stuck, despite working hard and doing all the right things?

You’ll learn that feedback—especially the uncomfortable kind—is not an attack on your worth, but a powerful tool for growth. When we stop seeking validation and start actively inviting honest insight, we unlock the awareness and influence needed to move our careers forward.

WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER

• Why mistaking validation for progress can quietly stall your career

• 5 practical tips to help you ask for, receive, and apply honest feedback in ways that support your long-term goals

• Why ignoring your blind spots and relying on how you think you’re perceived leaves your career in the hands of chance instead of choice

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DOWNLOAD GUIDE TO CHOOSING GROWTH OVER COMFORT

DOWNLOAD TRANSCRIPT

TRANSCRIPT

Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and seventy-six. I'm your host Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

It's completely normal to want compliments on your performance, especially when you've been working hard. A well-timed compliment can boost your morale and validate your effort, making those long hours feel worthwhile. It can be tempting to lean heavily on those moments of praise to keep your spirits up. But, while compliments are great for lifting our energy in the short term, they're not what drives meaningful growth. If we rely too much on approval, we risk mistaking validation for progress and missing the opportunities to actually improve and move forward. 

In this episode, we delve into where real growth, self-awareness, and career momentum come from. What you really want is honest, actionable feedback. It's something that can be scary to ask for and even harder to hear. It's not always wrapped up with a nice bow, and it's definitely not designed to make us feel comfortable. But, this kind of input helps us course-correct, sharpen our strengths, and identify our blind spots before they become career obstacles. If we want to stop hoping for success and start building it intentionally, we have to get serious about inviting and learning from the feedback that challenges us to dig deeper, instead of just seeking the compliments that make us feel good.

Believe me, I get it. Sometimes you just need a little verbal proof that someone is noticing your effort. But, if we're serious about growing, building real self-awareness, and taking control of where our careers are headed, we have to not only invite – but also apply – honest, actionable, constructive feedback, not just seek approval or validation. 

There's a world of difference between receiving a compliment and receiving life-changing feedback. A compliment says, "You're doing great! Keep going!". It feels amazing in the moment and can absolutely give you a boost when you need it. But, life-changing feedback says, "Here's what's getting in your way", "Here's what could unlock the next level for you". And, while it's rarely easy to hear, it's the thing that can actually move us forward. 

If we're not careful, it's all too easy to mistake validation for momentum. Feeling seen and appreciated can trick us into believing we're progressing, even when we're stuck in the same spot, spinning our wheels. 

Constructive feedback is what actually drives growth, and that's why we need it. But, asking for, receiving, and using feedback is harder than it sounds. It requires us to put our egos aside, open ourselves up to discomfort, and listen for the truth buried in the awkward delivery. And, when you're already doing everything you can to excel, putting yourself in a position to hear that you're not quite there yet can feel disheartening and defeating. Still, if we want to break through the barriers ahead of us, we have to be willing to get uncomfortable. 

In the early stages of our careers, encouragement is essential. It helps us build confidence. It keeps us motivated through the initial steep learning curve and those inevitable failures. Compliments at this stage are like training wheels. They steady us until we can ride our bike without them. But, as the stakes rise, when the projects get bigger, the visibility increases, and the competition stiffens, compliments become less helpful. What we really need is critical feedback. We need someone to point out where we're veering off-course so we can make the necessary adjustments before it costs us opportunities. 

When we cling too long to seeking out only positive validation, we miss those crucial course-corrections. We become dependent on receiving praise, and we start to shy away from anything that threatens the fragile sense of approval we desire. We stop asking the hard questions. We start avoiding the uncomfortable conversations. We prioritize feeling good over getting better. And that's exactly how careers plateau. Because the reality is, progress isn't fueled by comfort – it's fueled by challenge. 

If you haven't noticed, people are incredibly perceptive. They will pick up on the subtle clues: your nervous energy, your defensive posture, the way you light up at praise but shut down at anything constructive. And when they sense you're not genuinely open, they will withhold, not because they don't care, but because it feels safer for them and for their professional relationship with you. 

That's why one of the most important skills you can build is learning to recognize the difference between a compliment and real, useful feedback. Compliments tend to be easy to spot. They're designed to make you feel good. They're about what you're already doing well. And while they're great for your ego and your motivation early on, they rarely give you any indication for how to get better. 

Constructive feedback, on the other hand, often makes you uncomfortable. It points out the gaps, the blind spots, the subtle behaviors that might be undermining your success. It's rarely delivered well. So, our immediate reaction might be to get defensive and not really listen to what they have to say. But, what you may not realize is that it gives you something a compliment never can – information you can use to improve. 

Even when feedback is delivered poorly, even when it stings or feels unfair, there's usually something valuable in there, if you're willing to look for it. And, if you're willing to endure the discomfort, you can find the insight that helps us sharpen our skills, refine our approach, and ultimately position ourselves for bigger and better opportunities. But, if we keep chasing validation instead, if we keep choosing what feels good over what fuels growth, we risk stalling our development, without even realizing it. 

One of the biggest dangers of clinging to compliments is that it leaves our blind spots unaddressed. We all have ingrained habits, default behaviors, ways we show up that we can't fully see on our own. And without honest feedback from others, these blind spots can quietly sabotage our ambitions. They can erode trust, strain relationships, and limit the very opportunities we've been working so hard to earn. 

It's not enough to simply work hard or be technically excellent. If we want to build careers we're proud of, we need to understand how we're perceived by those around us, especially those making promotion decisions. And, that starts with seeking feedback that tells us the truth, not just what we want to hear.

Self-awareness isn't just a nice-to-have quality. It's a non-negotiable for strategic career advancement. It's the foundation for building trust, influence, and leadership presence. And feedback – honest, sometimes painful feedback – is the fastest, most effective way to build it. 

Without feedback, we risk becoming delusional about how we're showing up. We might think we're being seen as collaborative, when we're actually being perceived as indecisive. We might believe we're coming across as confident, when others experience us as aggressive. Without feedback, we're flying blind. And in engineering and related industries, where career defining decisions are often made behind closed doors, that's a risk we simply can't afford to take. 

If we want to move forward intentionally, we have to be brutally honest with ourselves. Every time we find ourselves seeking reassurance, we need to stop and ask, "Am I seeking comfort, or am I seeking growth?". It's a simple question, but it cuts deep. Choosing growth over comfort doesn't mean we don't appreciate compliments. It just means we don't let them distract us from doing the real work needed to get ahead. 

Once we understand that real growth comes from honest feedback, the next challenge is making sure we're actually clear about what we're asking for. And this is where a lot of well-intentioned people get tripped up. It's one thing to say we want feedback – it's another thing entirely to signal that we're genuinely ready to hear it. If we're not careful, the way we ask can backfire and block the very insights we need most.

Many times, we're not clear about what we actually want when we casually toss out, "I'd love your feedback", but what we really mean is, "Please tell me I'm doing great". We set the whole exchange up for failure. People pick up on that emotional undercurrent. They notice when we're fishing for praise, rather than sincerely inviting honest observations. And, when they sense that we're not ready to hear anything uncomfortable, most people will back off to protect themselves. After all, giving feedback is a risk – one they won't take if they think it will only upset or alienate us, or worse, bring on the tears they don't know how to handle. 

The stakes are high here because self-awareness is critical for career success. Contrary to what we sometimes believe, most people aren't fired because they lack the necessary technical skills. It's not usually about degrees, certifications, or credentials. More often, careers stall or get derailed because people don't realize how they're being perceived. They don't recognize the impact they have on those around them. They have no real sense of what it's like to work with them, work for them, or collaborate alongside them. And because they can't see it, they can't fix it. 

Every single one of us has blind spots. We all have ingrained habits, default behaviors, and unconscious ways of operating that are visible to others but hidden from ourselves. Maybe it's the way we interrupt without realizing it. Maybe it's a tone that comes across as defensiveness even when we're trying to sound enthusiastic. Those small behaviors accumulate over time and quietly shape how others experience us – and those perceptions matter a lot. 

Without intentionally seeking feedback, those blind spots can turn into reputational risks. We might believe we're being perceived as diligent, when others experience us as rigid or controlling. Without a reality check, we can unknowingly repel the very opportunities, allies, mentors, and advocates we're working so hard to attract. And, if enough of those misunderstandings pile up without correction, we start getting left out of pivotal career conversations, the ones that determine promotions, raises, and the assignment of high-visibility projects. 

What you may not realize is that your professional brand evolves whether you're paying attention or not. It's either happening to you or through you. If you're not managing it intentionally, you're leaving it up to chance and hoping others will see you the way you hope to be seen. That's a risky bet, and it's a recipe for career stagnation, frustration, and missed opportunities. 

So, how can we change this? How can we start gathering the feedback we need without sabotaging the process before it even begins? 

It starts with these five strategic moves: 

1. Be crystal clear in your request: Don't leave it vague. Say something like, "I'm not asking for compliments, I'm asking for honest observations". Or, frame it in a more positive way, "I'm really trying to grow my professional brand. I would love for you to think about how I come across, both the good and the not so good". That clarity helps others know you're serious and open to hearing what they really think. 

2. Ask specific questions: Broad, open ended requests like, "Any feedback for me?" often go nowhere. Instead, try asking, "What do I do that delights you?" or, "What do I do that annoys or concerns you?" or, "Where do you think I could show up even stronger?". Specific questions encourage specific answers and actionable insights. 

3. Make it as safe as possible for them to tell you the truth: Frame your request in a way that makes your openness undeniable, "I trust your perspective and I genuinely want to hear anything that would help me improve". Offer them options for how to deliver their feedback. Maybe they feel more comfortable writing it in an email instead of sitting across from you in-person. The more comfortable they feel, the more candid and useful their feedback is likely to be. 

4. Listen without defensiveness: This is the hardest and most important part. When someone gives you feedback, your only job in that moment is to listen, take notes, and say thank you. Do not deflect, deny, dispute, or justify. You'll feel the urge – we all do – but resist it. Remember, they're taking a risk by being honest with you. Honor that risk by hearing them out completely, without making them regret their decision to tell you what they really think will help you improve.

5. Act on what you learn: You don't have to change everything instantly, but start making a visible shift in your behavior based on something you heard. Let people catch you improving. When people notice that you genuinely took their feedback seriously, and that you've actually evolved because of it, they become more invested in your success. Even skeptics can turn into unexpected allies when they see that you're not just open to suggestions but committed to putting them into action.

Of course, even with the best intentions, there are some common pitfalls to avoid when seeking feedback. Here are seven of the most common potential traps that can sabotage your efforts that you may want to keep in mind: 

1. Assuming you already know how you're perceived creates a dangerous gap between your intent and your impact. No matter how self-aware you believe you are, the way others experience you is layered through their lens, their context, and your behavior patterns that you might not even notice. It's dangerous to assume that just because you mean well or work hard, you're coming across the way you intend. Intent matters, but impact decides. Even if your heart is in the right place, what matters is how you're actually experienced by others. 

2. If you ask for feedback but emotionally signal that you're really only wanting praise, you'll shut people down fast. They won't risk telling you the hard truth you need to hear. The same goes for if you listen but immediately minimize, dismiss, deny, or defensively explain your actions. You teach people that honesty isn't safe with you, and they won't bother trying again. 

3. Expecting feedback to be perfectly worded, soft, and easy to digest can cause you to miss the golden nuggets buried inside a less than ideal delivery. Growth often requires reading between the lines. 

4. Learn to take feedback professionally, not personally. When someone points out an area for improvement, it's easy to hear it as a personal attack or a judgment of your worth. But it's not about whether you're good enough; it's about refining your professional brand you're building. Feedback is not a referendum on your value as a person – it's a tool to sharpen the image you're projecting so that it matches your ambitions. 

5. Forgetting that giving feedback is a risk for others can create resentment and erode goodwill. People aren't obligated to help you, so show your appreciation when they do. 

6. Failing to act on feedback you receive damages your credibility and wastes the trust people extended by sharing their perspectives with you. If they don't see you change, they'll conclude that offering their thoughts or advice was just a waste of time. 

7. Ignoring the gaps between how you see yourself and how others experience you leads directly to stagnation. Without that critical external perspective, you'll eventually plateau, no matter how talented or hardworking you are. 

And not to put added pressure on you, but every email you send, every meeting you attend, and every conversation you have in the hallway, it's all shaping how people think about you. And your brand or reputation doesn't 'reset' just because you intended something differently than how it was perceived. In the absence of intentional management, your brand or reputation evolves on its own – and not always in your favor. If you're not actively shaping it, it might be wise to worry that you're passively eroding it. 

That's why feedback isn't just about fixing mistakes, it's about building your long-term career strategy. Because, whether you like it or not, how others experience you is reality. It doesn't matter how great you believe your communication skills are, if others experience you as abrasive. It doesn't matter how collaborative you think you are, if people experience you as closed off. Reality is in the perception, and the perception shapes opportunities – or eliminates them – when you're not in the room to explain yourself. 

Instead of leaving it to chance, it's worth building your career and your professional brand intentionally. Start by asking those you trust this one critical question: 

• What do you see that I don't? 

The answers you get might be unsettling, but they hold the power to unlock strategic career moves that put you back in control of where you're headed. By bravely seeking honest feedback, you position yourself to do a few incredibly important things: 

• You can make intentional strategic moves, instead of reacting to surprises. 

• You can disrupt yourself by making the necessary changes, before someone else decides you're no longer the right fit. 

• You can take control of your career narrative, ensuring that decisions about your future aren't made by others behind closed doors based on outdated or incorrect impressions.

The biggest takeaway is this: Growth can hurt a little, but regret has the potential to hurt a lot more. 

I know it stings to hear about our gaps, but it's a small price to pay compared to looking back and realizing we missed out on opportunities simply because we weren't willing to be uncomfortable. Being brave enough to seek feedback that stretches you will set you apart. It's how you go from being merely competent, to being genuinely impactful. It's also how you move from being seen as capable, to being seen as indispensable. 

You deserve a career that's built not by accident, but by intention. A career that reflects not just how hard you work, but how strategically you evolve. Every adjustment you make based on thoughtful feedback moves you closer to developing the kind of professional presence that opens doors, builds alliances, and accelerates your success. 

So, here's the challenge for you this week:

Pick one person you trust, someone who sees your work up close and whose opinion you value, and ask them for honest feedback on your performance. Be clear that you're not just looking for compliments. Ask them for what they see you doing well, where they see opportunities for you to grow, and how they believe you're perceived by others. Promise them – and yourself – that you'll receive it with courage and gratitude. No defensiveness, no justifications. Just keeping an open mind and showing your appreciation for their honesty. 

If you treat receiving feedback as an ongoing part of your professional development, instead of something to survive or dread, you create a powerful engine for continuous growth. You stop handing over the control of your career to others. You stop waiting to be noticed, and you start actively shaping your future and increasing your impact.

The truth is, growth requires courage. It asks us to challenge ourselves, when we'd rather stay comfortable. It demands self-reflection and change, when denial would be easier. It's also the path to freedom – to building a career that's entirely of your own making. 

You don't have to leave your career to chance. You don't have to hope someone notices your efforts or takes a bet on your potential. You can bet on yourself – intentionally, strategically, and courageously – starting today. 

And as I said, it all begins with one brave question, "What do you see that I don't?". 

At the end of the day, the goal isn't to collect the most gold stars, as much as we all might love those gold stars. The goal is to build a career that reflects our capabilities, our potential, and our lofty ambitions. That requires being willing to hear the tough feedback and welcoming the awkward conversations. It means getting curious about the ways we might be getting in our own way. 

So yes, accept the compliments when they come. Let them lift you up and fuel your motivation, but don't let them be your only source of professional feedback. Compliments feel good, but constructive feedback makes you better. And the sooner we build the courage and the skill to seek out and learn from that feedback, the faster we can grow into the leaders, innovators, and change makers we're meant to be.

And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Choosing Growth Over Comfort at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and seventy-six.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com. 

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.  

Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.