225. Build Relationships to Create Opportunities

Building professional relationships as a woman in a male-dominated field is both critical and complicated. We explore the common pitfalls and limiting beliefs that hold us back from advancing in our careers. By shifting our mindset and using small, practical strategies, we can invite genuine connection and create the opportunities we deserve.

Every day, you show up and put on your professional mask. You handle your work, you smile politely, you keep your struggles to yourself.

Are you struggling to build real professional relationships without either shutting people out or becoming everyone's emotional support system? Are you operating as a ‘lone wolf’, handling everything alone while watching opportunities go to colleagues with stronger networks? Are you ready to stop just enduring your work environment and start thriving by inviting genuine connection?

You'll learn that building professional relationships isn't frivolous—it's essential to your career advancement, and that small, intentional strategies can help you invite genuine connection without compromising your professional credibility.

WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER

• Why the ‘lone wolf’ mentality that feels protective is actually limiting your career advancement

• 2 practical strategies to invite more connection at work

• Why reframing your limiting beliefs about strength and vulnerability is the necessary foundation for building the reciprocal professional relationships that support your long-term success

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TRANSCRIPT

Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode two hundred and twenty-five. I'm your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

You spend more of your waking hours with your coworkers than almost anyone else in your life. Think about that for a second. You see these people more than your significant other, your friends, and your family. You know their coffee orders, their annoying phone habits, and exactly which passive-aggressive email phrases they tend to use when they're angry. Yet, once you're out of the school environment, making actual friends becomes weirdly uncomfortable. And if you're a woman in engineering or STEM, where you're often one of very few women in the office, that awkwardness just gets amplified. 

In this episode, we're talking about why building professional relationships feels so cringe-inducing, especially for us, and how to invite real connection without accidentally becoming someone's emotional dumping ground or an impromptu therapist. We'll explore the common problems that arise when we try to navigate connection at work, the specific pitfalls that can make things worse for us, and the beliefs we need to reframe if we want to actually move forward instead of staying stuck in isolation. I'll walk you through what happens if we don't do this well, and the surprising benefits that come when we do the work to invite connection.

As we've covered before, technical competence is only part of the equation. Your actual job performance? Sure, it matters. But professional relationships—the informal networks, who knows you, who trusts you, who thinks of you when opportunities come up—that stuff directly impacts promotions and project assignments. And, as you might have guessed, this can create a frustrating challenge. 

We're operating in an environment where we're constantly having to prove ourselves in ways our male colleagues simply don't have to. And on top of that, we're often isolated as one of only a handful of women, which makes connection simultaneously more critical and more complicated. Because how do you build rapport when you're the odd one out? When the informal bonding happens over activities you're not invited to or as part of conversations you can't relate to? When showing any vulnerability feels like handing people ammunition to confirm their biases that women are "too emotional" and therefore not suited for technical work? 

So, we end up in this impossible situation. We need strong professional relationships to advance, but the very act of building them feels risky. We toggle between being overly rigid and buttoned-up—keeping everyone at arm's length to maintain our professional credibility—or accidentally becoming the office therapist because we're socialized to be caring and concerned. 

There are a few common problems that arise from this mess. 

First, there's the invisible labor of supporting others. Women are asked to take notes, plan the office party, remember everyone's birthdays, and manage team morale. None of this appears on performance reviews, but all of it takes time and energy. And when you're trying to build relationships, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking this is how you do it—by being helpful, by being nice, and by being available. Before you know it, you're everyone's person, fielding questions and complaints, and having to listen to all the drama, while simultaneously trying to, you know, do your actual job.

Second, there's the isolation trap. Almost as a reflex to not be what others expect us to be, we tell ourselves that we don't need connection, that we can handle everything ourselves, that asking for support or showing we're struggling is weakness. This 'lone wolf' mentality feels protective—because if you don't let people in, they can't disappoint you or use your vulnerability against you—but it's actually killing your career.

You miss out on the informal networks where real information flows. You don't hear about opportunities until it's too late. You don't have advocates where decisions are being made behind closed doors.  And honestly, you burn out because no one can sustain this never-ending pressure to do it all on your own. 

Third, team dynamics suffer when we can't relate to the people we spend forty-plus hours a week with. When you're so focused on being taken seriously that you never show any personality, you become unapproachable. People don't think of you for collaborative projects. They don't invite you to brainstorming sessions. They work around you instead of with you. And this just reinforces the cycle, because now you have even fewer opportunities to build connection. So, you become more isolated, more rigid, and seen as more serious. 

There are also specific patterns that make this whole situation worse, and awareness is the first step to not falling into the same trap repeatedly. Here are six of the most common things to watch for in professional settings that will actively undermine your success: 

1. Pitfall #1: Confusing boundaries with walls. There's a difference between protecting yourself and shutting people out entirely. Boundaries are about defining what's okay and what's not okay—what you're comfortable sharing, what you're willing to take on, when you're available and when you're not. Walls are about keeping everyone at a distance because connection feels too risky. When you build walls, you might feel safe, but you also become isolated. And isolation in a male-dominated field where networking and relationships drive advancement—that's career suicide. 

2. Pitfall #2: Becoming everyone's person while having no one providing the support you need. This is the trap so many women fall into. We're conditioned to be caretakers, to prioritize others' needs, and to be the emotional support system for everyone around us. So at work, we end up being the one everyone comes to with their problems, their frustrations, and their drama. We listen, we empathize, and we try to help. And while it might feel good in the moment—like we're building connection, like we're valued—but if you're giving and giving and giving without receiving support in return, you're not building reciprocal relationships. You're depleting yourself. And when you need support? When you're struggling? There's often no one there for you, because you've trained everyone to see you as the strong one, who has it all together. 

3. Pitfall #3: Dismissing connection as frivolous or unproductive. When you're in a technical field, there is this tendency to think that anything not directly related to the work is a waste of time. Small talk feels pointless. Icebreaker questions feel stupid. Taking five minutes to ask someone about their weekend feels like it's cutting into your productivity. But here's what we miss: engaging with others isn't frivolous. It's essential. The innovation, the creative problem-solving, the ability to navigate conflict and differences of opinion—all of that happens more easily in teams where people actually know and trust each other. Connection isn't separate from the work; it enables better work. 

4. Pitfall #4: Only showing up as "all business" and then wondering why people think you're cold or unapproachable. Look, I get it. You're trying to be taken seriously in an environment that already doubts your competence. So, you keep everything professional, keep your personal life private, and as they say, "never let them see you sweat". But there's a difference between being professional and being robotic. When people never see any humanity from you—when you never share anything about yourself, never laugh, never show that you're an actual person with a life outside the office—they can't relate to you. And people work better with people they can relate to. 

5. Pitfall #5: Letting the fear of seeming weak prevent you from ever being human at work. This is the flip side of the same coin. Vulnerability has become this buzzword, and I know it makes a lot of us in technical fields roll our eyes. But here's the thing: vulnerability isn't oversharing your trauma in a team meeting. It's not crying at your desk or dumping your problems on colleagues. Vulnerability, in a professional context, is admitting that you don't know something. It's asking for help when you need it. It's saying, "I'm struggling with this problem" instead of pretending you have it all figured out. And yes, as women, we have to be more careful about this because we're judged more harshly. But never showing any humanity? That doesn't protect you. It isolates you. 

6. Pitfall #6: Assuming people won't reciprocate, so you never extend the first invitation for connection. This one's sneaky because it feels like self-protection. You tell yourself you're just being realistic—why bother trying to connect when people probably won't respond? Why risk the rejection or awkwardness? But this assumption becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you never try, you never know who might have actually been interested in connecting with you. You never discover which colleagues could have become your ally or even your work best friend. You stay stuck in isolation, convinced it's inevitable, when really it's a choice you're making. 

There are three common limiting beliefs that tend to keep us stuck in these patterns. And until we reframe these, nothing will change: 

1. Limiting belief #1: Being strong means handling everything on your own, as a 'lone wolf'. We glorify this idea of the self-sufficient woman who doesn't need anyone, who can do it all herself, who never asks for help. And sure, independence and self-reliance are valuable, but this 'lone wolf' mentality can become toxic. It's based on this harmful idea that needing others is weakness, that connection is dependency, and that you have to prove you can tough it out alone. Here's the reframe to consider: strength is actually self-awareness, boundary-setting, and connection with others. Real strength is knowing when you need support and having the courage to ask for it. Real strength is building a network of people who have your back. Real strength is recognizing that we're all in this together, and trying to do everything alone isn't noble or sustainable. 

2. Limiting belief #2: Work environments, especially in male-dominated fields, are unsafe to be yourself and show some playfulness or vulnerability. Let's first acknowledge that this isn't entirely wrong. Some workplaces genuinely aren't safe to be yourself. But more often than not, we use this as an excuse to never try. We convince ourselves that it's not worth the risk, that people won't reciprocate, and that we'll be judged. Here's the reframe to consider: building rapport requires some level of trust that people will accept you as you are, and even reciprocate. Yes, there's a risk. But there's also a risk in staying isolated and unapproachable. You get to choose which risk you're willing to take. And honestly, most people are just as hungry for genuine connection as you are. They're just waiting for someone else to go first. 

3. Limiting belief #3: I just need to endure this. This one hits hard for a lot of high-achieving women. We're so used to proving ourselves, to pushing through, to sucking it up and dealing with it. We wear our ability to endure like a badge of honor. But endurance isn't the goal, and neither is just surviving. Here's the reframe to consider: we're all in this together, and inviting connection actually lightens your load, and theirs. When you shift from an endurance mindset to a thriving mindset, you start asking different questions. Not "how can I get through this alone?", but "how can we make this better together?". Not "how much can I handle?", but "how can I create an environment where we all succeed?". This isn't about lowering your standards or expecting less of yourself. It's about recognizing that isolation and suffering aren't requirements for achievement in the workplace. 

Sometimes we need to understand the cost of inaction as a way to motivate us to make changes. 

You become increasingly isolated while feeling pressure to have it all together. Every day, you show up and put on your professional mask. You handle your work, you smile politely, you keep your struggles to yourself. And it works, in a sense—people think you're competent, capable, and have it all together. But inside, you're exhausted from pretending that everything is effortless. You're lonely even though you're surrounded by people. And the pressure to maintain the facade just keeps building, because now you've trained everyone to expect that you have it all figured out. There's no room to be human, to struggle, or to need support. You're trapped in the persona you created to protect yourself.

Opportunities pass you by because they go to the people with stronger relationships. This is the one that really stings. You're doing excellent work, maybe even better than your colleagues, but the promotion goes to someone else. The high-visibility project doesn't get offered to you. You're not who they think of when leadership is looking for people to tap for new initiatives. And why? Because you're not on anyone's radar. You don't have the relationships and advocates who would champion you. You're not part of the informal networks where these decisions get influenced before they're officially made. Your hard work alone isn't enough, and it's infuriating, but it's reality. 

You risk burnout trying to shoulder everything alone. There's only so long you can operate in isolation, handling everything yourself, never asking for help, before something breaks. Maybe it's your health. Maybe it's your mental state. Maybe it's your relationships outside of work that suffer because you have nothing left to give at the end of the day. 

Burnout doesn't happen overnight. It's the cumulative result of months, or years, of enduring instead of thriving, of going it alone instead of building the support systems you need, while treating connection as optional instead of essential. 

Your rigidity and seriousness make you harder to work with, limiting your advancement. The truth is, your technical skills will only take you so far. If people find you difficult to work with—if you're too rigid, too serious, too unwilling to collaborate or play with ideas—that becomes a limit on your career. 

Leadership looks for people who can work well with others, who can navigate different personalities and perspectives, and who can create positive team dynamics. When you're known as the person who's "all business, all the time", who shoots down everyone else's ideas, who never lightens up, unfortunately, that's the reputation that follows you—and it limits you.

You miss the innovation and creative solutions that come from playful, collaborative environments. When everyone's too serious, too focused on their individual tasks, too unwilling to riff on ideas or play with possibilities, all you get is incremental improvements. You get safe solutions. You get the same approaches that have always been used. 

Innovation happens when people feel safe enough to throw out wild ideas, to build on each other's thoughts, to collaborate without fear of judgment. If you're so rigid that you shut down that kind of playfulness, you're not just limiting yourself, you're limiting what your team can achieve together. 

Years pass and you realize that while you've spent most of your waking hours with these people, you never really bothered to get to know them. Imagine getting to the end of your career and looking back at all those hours, all those years, spent with people who were essentially strangers. You shared space, you worked on projects together, but you never actually connected. You never built friendships or meaningful professional relationships. You never let them see the real you, and you never really got to know them. What a waste of all that time, all that potential for genuine human connection. What a lonely way to spend the majority of your adult life. 

So, don't get caught in this trap. There is so much to gain when you actually put in the work to get to know people, because the benefits are real and they're worth it.

Team dynamics improve and people generate more creative approaches. They build on each other's ideas instead of competing, which opens up more possibilities than rigid, agenda-driven meetings ever could. You start seeing solutions and approaches that nobody would have thought of alone. The collective intelligence of the team becomes greater than the sum of its parts. 

You develop a greater sense of ease and lightness in your day. Work doesn't have to feel like trudging through mud every single day. When you actually enjoy the people you're working with, it makes even the hardest days that much more bearable. You laugh more. You look forward to certain meetings or brainstorming sessions. You have people you genuinely enjoy talking to, not just about work, but about life. 

People become more able to roll with differences of opinion without taking everything so personally, including you. When you actually know and like your colleagues as people, disagreements become less charged. You can debate ideas without it feeling like a personal attack. You can push back on someone's approach without them getting defensive. And you can receive feedback without spiraling. You've built a foundation that makes it possible to navigate conflict and differences in healthier, more productive ways. 

You find the support you need while supporting others. This is the reciprocal relationship piece that so many of us miss. When you build genuine connections, support flows both ways. You're not everyone's dumping ground, because you've set boundaries around what you're available for and what you're not. You're not giving endlessly from an empty cup because you're also receiving support when you need it. You've built relationships with people who actually have your back, who check-in on you, who reciprocate the care and concern you extend to them. This is what sustainable professional relationships look like. 

Now, let's get practical. What can you actually do, starting tomorrow, to invite more connection at work? Here are a couple of strategies you might consider: 

Strategy #1: Begin meetings with a non-work-related question. I know, I know. As an introvert myself, this can feel awkward, even somewhat forced, especially when you just want to get to the actual agenda and get out of there. But here's the thing—it serves a purpose. It shifts the energy in the room. It reminds everyone that they're working with actual humans who have lives outside of these meeting room walls. Start as simple as, "How was your weekend?". And actually listen to what people share. Don't just ask and then immediately move on to the agenda. Pause. Let people answer. Stay curious and show genuine interest in what they're saying. 

As the weeks go on, you might notice something interesting. People might begin to enjoy answering the questions you pose. They light up when they get to tell you something about what they did outside the office. They appreciate being seen as whole people, not just workers. And here's what happens—you start to see them differently, too. That colleague you find annoying in technical discussions? You learn that they spend their weekends volunteering at an animal shelter and suddenly they're more three-dimensional. That person who's always pushing back on your ideas? You find out they're dealing with a sick parent or child, and their defensiveness makes more sense. Connection creates context, and context creates compassion. 

Once you're comfortable with asking basic small talk questions, level up to questions that actually make people think. Instead of sticking with, "How was your weekend?", try one of these: 

• What's one thing you've changed your mind about lately? This question reveals how people think and grow. 

• What's something you learned much later in life than most people? This one often leads to insightful stories. 

• What's a big strength of yours that can also sometimes be a weakness? This gets at self-awareness and vulnerability in a professional way. 

• When you feel most content, where are you, what are you doing, and who are you with? This tells you what people value and what lights them up.

And once you get the hang of this, here are some other ideas you could try: 

• What's a story from your childhood that, looking back, predicted what you do for a living today? 

• What's something you assumed was true for everyone that you later found out is only true for you or your family? 

• If you woke up tomorrow and your life had magically leveled up, how would you know—what would be different? 

• When the zombie apocalypse comes, who are the three people you'd want on your team? 

These questions work because they're open-ended enough to be interesting, but structured enough that people don't feel lost. They lift people out of the mundane routine and invite them to think creatively. And as a bonus, they give you genuine insight into who your colleagues are as people. 

Strategy #2: Practice "yes, and..." instead of systematically plowing through agendas. This is a concept from improv and it can be transformative for team dynamics. Instead of coming into every meeting with a set agenda and marching through it line-by-line, try this: pose a challenge or question to the group and give space for people to riff on ideas. When someone offers an idea, instead of pointing out all the problems with it, build on it. It might sound like, "Yes, and what if we also..." or, "Yes, and that makes me think we could...". Play with this idea and find what sounds natural for you.

This technique frees people to play with possibilities. It creates psychological safety where people know their contributions won't be immediately criticized or dismissed. And it helps you loosen up, too. When you're in "yes, and..." mode, you can't be as rigid or controlling. You have to let go a little and be open to where the conversation goes. You might be surprised by how this shifts team dynamics and generates more innovative solutions than your carefully controlled meetings ever did.

Here's what many people completely miss, and it's the key to making all of this work. Engaging with others at work isn't frivolous or unproductive—it's essential. And it starts as simply being curious enough to ask a question. 

You might initially feel strange because relationship-building doesn't directly correlate to the work at hand. You might feel like you're wasting time or being unproductive. Your brain might be screaming at you to just get back to the agenda, to focus on the deliverables, to stop with the small talk and do the actual work. But here's what you need to understand: this is a big part of the actual work. 

The relationships you build, the connections you invite, the trust you develop with your colleagues—this is what enables everything else. This is what makes collaborative projects successful. This is what makes it possible to navigate conflict effectively. This is what creates the environment for creative problem-solving. This is what builds the professional network that opens doors and creates opportunities.

As someone in a technical field where you're already fighting for recognition, isolation is not your friend. Every day you stay isolated, you're making it harder on yourself. Every interaction where you seem "all business" and somewhat aloof, you're reinforcing the walls that are limiting your advancement. The courage it takes to step outside your comfort zone and invite connection—that's where your transformation begins. 

And here's the best part. You don't have to completely change who you are. You don't have to become an extrovert if you're an introvert. You don't have to overshare or be fake-cheerful or pretend to care about things you don't. You just have to be willing to be a little more human, a little more open, and a little more relatable. It starts by asking the people around you questions and actually listening to their answers. 

This isn't about forcing yourself to be someone you're not. It's about recognizing that the very rigidity you thought was protecting you, might be the very thing holding you back. It's about understanding that strength isn't about handling everything alone—it's having the self-awareness to know what support you need and the courage to build the connections that provide it. 

So, here's your challenge for this week: ask just one question before a meeting starts to initiate a conversation with a colleague. That's it. Just one question that invites someone to share something about themselves beyond the work you're doing together. 

Notice what happens when you do this. Notice how you feel—the initial awkwardness, maybe, but also what comes after. Notice how they respond. Do they light up? Do they seem grateful for the chance to talk about something other than the project deliverables? Do you learn something about them that makes them more relatable as a person? And then, do it again next week. And the week after that. 

Prioritizing connection is a skill you strengthen with practice, and it's crucial for your emotional health and professional success. You don't have to be perfect at it. You just have to be the one who goes first. 

And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Building Professional Connections Without Losing Yourself at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode two hundred and twenty-five.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com. 

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.  

Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.