210. How to Receive Feedback Without Spiraling
- 4 days ago
- 15 min read
Feedback can feel disproportionately threatening, especially for those of us navigating male-dominated fields where our wins go unnoticed and imposter syndrome is already loud. Our brains are wired with a negativity bias that causes us to process criticism as a physical threat, triggering defensive reactions that quietly sabotage our careers. By building a practical toolkit, we can learn to filter, process, and apply feedback without letting it derail us.
We think asking for clarification makes us look incompetent, when actually it shows we care about getting things right and we're willing to learn.
Are you still replaying a performance review days later, losing sleep over one critical comment while the positive feedback fades away? Are you struggling to receive feedback without spiraling into defensiveness, people-pleasing, or harsh self-criticism? Are you letting criticism confirm your imposter syndrome instead of using it as data to grow your career?
You'll learn that your brain is neurologically wired to treat criticism as a physical threat — and that by understanding this response and applying a systematic approach, you can break the feedback spiral and turn criticism into a genuine career advantage.
WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER
Why your brain's negativity bias makes feedback feel like a personal attack, and why recognizing this response is the essential first step toward changing it
8 practical strategies to help you receive and process feedback without spiraling
Why separating your identity from your performance is critical to handling criticism constructively and advancing in your career
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TRANSCRIPT
Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode two hundred and ten. I'm your host Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way.
Maybe you've had this experience—you had your performance review a few days ago, but you're still replaying it in your mind and it's interfering with your sleep. You'd like a redo on how you handled receiving the feedback because you got really defensive and now you're contemplating whether it's time to switch careers entirely instead of having to face your boss again. This is the feedback spiral, where constructive criticism becomes a mental prison. And in male-dominated fields like engineering, it can be the thing that quietly derails your entire career. Because here's what nobody tells you: in STEM fields, where women already face heightened scrutiny, our relationship with feedback becomes infinitely more complicated. That casual comment from your manager isn't just a normal part of the feedback process—we take it as confirmation of every imposter syndrome whisper we've been fighting off for years.
In this episode, we're diving deep into why feedback feels so threatening, especially for women, how our defensive reactions keep us stuck in patterns that sabotage our success, and most importantly, the strategies that transform criticism from career poison into career fuel.
We'll explore the neuroscience behind why our brain literally processes criticism as a physical threat, break down the common ways we respond that make everything worse, and give you a practical toolkit for handling feedback without spiraling into days of self-doubt and middle of the night mental replays. Because the women who succeed in male-dominated professions aren't the ones who never receive criticism. They're the ones who've learned to process it and choose what to apply, without letting the rest destroy them. And that's a skill you can absolutely develop.
Criticism feels disproportionately heavy. Think about it—you're operating in an environment where your wins often go unnoticed or get attributed to the team, your ideas get credited to the guy who repeated them five minutes after you did, and you feel that you're being watched more closely than any of your colleagues.
So when feedback does come, it's not just one piece of information about one thing you could improve. It feels like they are shining the spotlight directly on your faults, while your strengths simply fade into the background. It's the double bind we can't escape: we're told to be more confident, but then when we are, the feedback we receive feels like proof we were wrong to believe in ourselves in the first place. And if you're already operating with imposter syndrome—which, let's be honest, most of us are—feedback triggers the inner voice saying, "See? I knew you didn't belong here and now they've also figured that out".
From a neuroscience perspective, understanding this might actually make you feel a little bit better about your default reactions. Your brain has what's called a negativity bias. Basically, your brain evolved to pay much more attention to threats than to opportunities, because ignoring something positive might not have immediate consequences, but ignoring a threat could literally be the end of you.
In today's workplace, you might receive a mostly positive performance review, glowing feedback on nine different things, but that one piece of criticism—that's the thing still echoing in your mind a week later. Your brain literally processes criticism as a threat and triggers your fight-or-flight response. That physical discomfort you feel when receiving feedback is cortisol flooding your system, where your heart rate increases, your palms might sweat, and your rational thinking partially shuts down because your brain thinks you're in danger. Understanding that this isn't a personal weakness can actually make a big difference in how you approach the whole experience.
This is how we typically respond to feedback, so it's important that we begin to recognize this pattern as the first step in changing it. There's the instant urge to get defensive, where you muster everything you can to justify yourself. The things that would go through my mind would sound something like, "You have no idea how many responsibilities I have! I'm doing the best I can, and all you can do is criticize me!".
But that's not all. Then I would get caught in the people-pleaser paradox, which is where I would thank them outwardly, smile, nod, say I appreciate their input, but then, the moment I was alone, all my underlying fears of being judged would erupt in angry tears. But you're never really alone in a cubicle environment, are you? And unfortunately, people don't know what to do with tears.
Some would try to undo the damage they're seeing unfolding before them, even if they delivered their feedback in a perfectly compassionate way. Others would avoid saying anything like that ever again, going to great lengths to dodge any future feedback conversations entirely. Others would try to deflect, by shifting the conversation onto something else, pretending it never happened.
And often, I would then try to over-correct, being harder on myself, trying to be perfect, to avoid receiving any form of criticism from someone else. My thinking was that if I was incredibly hard on myself first, maybe it would save them the trouble, right? Somehow I was never able to look objectively at the feedback I received, where you listen, but immediately dismiss the validity of what you're hearing because you're able to tell yourself that clearly, they just don't understand your situation and they aren't really trying to help you at all. Unfortunately, I would take everything to heart.
So, if you're like me, there's a lot at stake if you don't learn to handle feedback better. And I'm not being dramatic here, the consequences are real.
On a personal level, avoiding feedback keeps us from knowing our blind spots and being as effective as we could be. It prevents us from growing, learning, and transforming into the professionals we're capable of becoming.
For many of us, external criticism tends to trigger our inner critic, creating the vicious cycle that genuinely impacts our mental health. And, what I've noticed is that people who tend to be more self-critical are more likely to experience symptoms of depression and anxiety. The stress of constantly feeling inadequate also wreaks havoc on your physical health. It impacts your sleep. And that sleep disruption then affects your mood, cognitive function, and even your cardiovascular health. So, we're not just talking about hurt feelings here—we're talking about measurable impacts on your well-being.
Professionally, the consequences are just as significant. You're missing out on data that could help you refine your approach and advance faster in your career. You're staying stuck in patterns that limit your effectiveness without even realizing it. And unfortunately, you're being perceived as defensive or closed off, which limits future opportunities because nobody wants to promote someone who can't handle feedback. Meanwhile, research shows that those who avoid feedback tend to be more disengaged at work, while those who receive regular input on their performance report higher job satisfaction and engagement.
Here's the opportunity cost that really gets to me: studies show that people who receive feedback focused on how to develop their strengths actually outperform their colleagues and are viewed as more effective. This is the type of information that helps us see our blind spots, recognize our potential, and move closer to the career we actually want. It's a shortcut to learning how to improve our skills and deepen our understanding. When delivered constructively and selectively applied, feedback can significantly improve our performance over time, but only if we can receive it without spiraling.
There are some common beliefs that keep us stuck in unproductive patterns. Sometimes, we believe that if we need feedback, it must mean we've failed, when the truth is that seeking feedback is literally what high-performers do. We think asking for clarification makes us look incompetent, when actually it shows we care about getting things right and we're willing to learn. We tell ourselves we should obviously know what they're talking about, when in reality, people assume that what they're saying is clear to everyone, when it's not.
There's actually a term for this: knowledge bias. When someone knows something, it's hard for them to realize what other people don't know. What's crystal clear to them might be completely mystifying to you, and that's not a reflection of your intelligence or competence. Asking for more information helps ensure everyone is on the same page.
We also believe criticism means we're not good enough. But when feedback is provided well, it's actually about specific actions or behaviors we could add or eliminate to make us that much better. And, the fact is that we all have room for improvement.
What tends to make everything worse is that we conflate our identity with our performance. We take feedback about our work or behavior as judgment about our character or worth as a person. Learning to separate these is absolutely essential. Constructive feedback typically highlights a specific behavior or outcome that could help you become more effective. When someone gives you feedback about your work, they're commenting on something you did, not who you are. That distinction matters enormously.
So, here's a way to reframe that information you're receiving during a performance review that might actually change how you see your so-called weaknesses. What if that apparent weakness is actually a strength you're overusing? Think about the last piece of feedback you received that stung. Now ask yourself, "What's the positive quality underneath this feedback? What's good about possessing this quality?".
For example, maybe you were told you're too detail-oriented and it's slowing down projects. The positive quality underneath might be your thoroughness, your conscientiousness, or your commitment to quality. Those are actual strengths. But when you're overly detail-oriented, you might experience analysis-paralysis, miss deadlines, or frustrate your team with endless futzing over the finished product.
So, what's the opposite of being detail-oriented? Maybe it's being able to see the big picture, or knowing when 'good enough' is actually good enough. The question becomes: how might you detach, reframe, rebalance, and transform your apparent weakness into your superpower? When you start thinking about feedback in this way, it becomes less about being fundamentally flawed and more about finding the right balance in how you apply your strengths.
Now, let's talk about three of the more common red flags—the things that happen in professional settings that make everything worse that you need to watch out for:
Learn to distinguish between vague personal attacks and specific behavior-focused feedback. Destructive criticism feels harsh, unnecessary, and even cruel. It's often vague with a negative tone, and it feels like an attack on your character or worth as a person. It leaves you with a sense of failure, but no clear idea of how to improve. That's not feedback you can actually use, so it's just noise. Constructive criticism, on the other hand, is specific, actionable, and respectful. It highlights a behavior or outcome with clear suggestions for improvement.
Pay attention to the timing and setting where feedback is given. Being called into your boss's office and not even invited to sit down is a definite red flag. Receiving feedback in public settings or during moments of heightened stress is also a big red flag. And here's something crucial to understand: how feedback is delivered says more about the person giving it to you than it does about you. Your response, however, reflects your mindset and your self-image. Some people can convey similar information in a way that feels generous and becomes a powerful growth experience you're actually grateful for. Others make the same point and leave you feeling completely destroyed. The difference is in their delivery, which unfortunately, you can't control.
Be aware of when you start layering your own story on top of what's actually being said. If the criticism lasts more than a second or two, we start adding our own lens to it. We actually stop hearing what's actually being offered, or we change what's being said entirely, based on past experience or our own self-doubt. We might go down the wrong path in our mind simply because we don't fully understand what's being said. But instead of asking for clarification, we just spiral with our own interpretation. Communication is tricky. What one person says and what someone else hears can often be two very different things. But we assume we heard it right, and then we spend three days replaying something that might not even be what they meant.
So now, let's get into a practical toolkit of eight strategies that actually work for handling feedback without spiraling:
Strategy #1: Take a pause. I cannot emphasize enough how important this one is. Your natural instinct is to react immediately, rather than take a moment to reflect on what you're hearing. Your instant reaction might be anger, defensiveness, or denial and often these reactions aren't helpful. By intentionally taking a moment to pause, you interrupt the automatic emotional response and give yourself space to engage rational thought instead of just your threat-detection system.
During this pause, engage in deep, slow breathing to reduce stress and promote calmness. I know it sounds too simple to work, but it does. Even a few seconds can make a really big difference. This isn't about ignoring or dismissing the feedback—it's about slowing down your emotional reactions so you can consider the feedback more objectively and respond more effectively.
Strategy #2: Develop your feedback filter. Not all criticism is created equal, and you need to sort out what's valuable and learn to let go of the rest. Before you take any feedback to heart, ask yourself these five key questions:
Who is it coming from? Is this a trusted mentor, friend, or colleague who has your best interests at heart and understands your work? Or, is this someone who often dishes out negativity, doesn't really know what you do, or has their own agenda?
What is their intention? Was this meant to help you improve, or was it meant to put you down, make them feel superior, or serve some other purpose entirely?
Is it about you or your actions? If it's about your actions or behavior, it's likely something you can actually change or improve. If it's about a character trait or your identity, let it go. Remember, no one else gets to define who you are.
Is this based on fact? Is this an observable fact or did they provide specific examples? Or, is it just someone's opinion? If it's fact-based and might help you grow, try to be open to it. If it's just an opinion with no supporting facts, you can likely let it go without guilt.
Does it align with your values and goals? Is it relevant to something you actually care about or something you're trying to achieve? If not, it may not be worth your attention, even if you do feel triggered by it. This filter helps ensure you're investing your time and energy in the feedback that truly matters instead of spiraling over every comment you might receive.
Strategy #3: Seek clarification. This is a game-changer that most people completely underutilize. This tends to be really hard for us—we instinctively pretend we know what they mean rather than ask to ensure we're clear. Then, we spend hours ruminating about not understanding instead of just asking when we had the chance. We imagine it's our fault or some kind of weakness. We think it must be clear to everyone else, so there must be something wrong with us that we don't understand what they're trying to tell us.
But as I said, communication is tricky and what one person says and what someone else hears can often be two completely different things. People use language imprecisely. They might have different ideas of what terms mean. So simply ask, "Could you clarify what you mean by that?" or, "Could you give me an example of when you've seen this behavior?".
Strategy #4: Reframe the story you're telling yourself. Recognize that there may be different ways of interpreting what you're hearing. Rather than, "They're attacking me" or, "This proves I'm not good enough", try reframing this as, "They're offering me a perspective I hadn't considered", or, "This is information I can use to improve". This helps you shift from defensiveness to openness, and it can be incredibly powerful. And here's the thing: you don't have to agree with the feedback. But, if you can find any value or insight in what you're hearing, you might benefit from the experience instead of just feeling threatened by it.
Strategy #5: Look for patterns instead of isolated incidents. In addition to considering the source and intention of the person providing the feedback, also look for patterns over time rather than reacting to any one opinion in isolation. If you're hearing similar feedback from multiple trusted sources who know your work well, that's the data worth examining. But, if it's a one-off comment from someone who doesn't really understand your role or has had little exposure to your work, it carries significantly less weight. You don't need to spiral over every piece of feedback you receive. You need to be strategic and discerning about what you pay attention to.
Strategy #6: Respond, don't react. This small shift in wording carries immense weight. When we react impulsively, we're usually driven by emotions that aren't always in our best interest. We might say things we later regret. We might get defensive, shut down, or even get emotional and make the whole situation more awkward for everyone. When we respond thoughtfully, we're taking a moment to process the situation, consider our options, and then decide on the best course of action. Ask yourself whether your initial reaction to this criticism is helpful to you or potentially harmful to you. Decide what would be a more productive response and go with that one.
Research shows that taking time to respond thoughtfully to feedback of any kind actually increases levels of trust and collaboration. Remember, criticism often says more about the person giving it than the person receiving it. But, choosing to respond rather than react helps you reclaim control of the narrative and navigate the situation with more grace and effectiveness.
Strategy #7: Try practicing gratitude. I know, I know—how can you possibly be grateful for criticism, especially when it stings? It might sound counterintuitive, but gratitude isn't just about being thankful for the good stuff. It also helps us find value in our challenges. Try to see feedback as a gift, not in some toxic positivity 'everything happens for a reason' way, but in a practical sense.
Someone just gave you information about how you're being perceived, or a blind spot you have, or about something you could improve. That's valuable data. You don't have to agree with all of it. You certainly don't have to like receiving it. But, if you can shift your mindset from 'I'm being attacked' to 'I'm receiving information I can evaluate', it becomes much easier to process without spiraling.
Strategy #8: Restate and paraphrase what you've heard. Say something like, "So, what I'm hearing you say is that when I do X, it creates [this type of outcome]. Is that correct?". This does two things. First, it shows the person giving you the feedback that you're taking it seriously and actually listening. Second, it ensures you're understanding their point correctly. Your goal is to understand their perspective more fully, even if you don't ultimately agree with it.
People tend to overlook the emotional state factor. The same piece of feedback can be experienced very differently depending on your mindset, emotional state, and past experience with the performance review process. If you're tired, stressed, or not feeling your best, even well-meaning feedback delivered perfectly can still feel like a personal attack. But, if you're feeling confident, secure, and open, you can filter through the most poorly delivered feedback and find the nuggets of truth that help you improve. The key is cultivating a mindset that lets you filter and process criticism effectively, regardless of your emotional state in the moment.
So, the next time you receive feedback, I encourage you to practice the pause—take just a few seconds to breathe deeply before you respond. Deploy your feedback filter before taking anything personally. Ask those five questions about the source, intention, specificity, factual basis, and alignment with your goals. Ask for clarification when something isn't clear. Look for patterns in the information you receive rather than reacting to isolated opinions. Practice responding instead of reacting by giving yourself space to process before you decide how to engage with what you've heard. And remember, progress over perfection.
The people who succeed aren't the ones who never receive criticism; they're the ones who've learned to transform the feedback they receive into a catalyst for growth. They've trained their brains to interpret criticism as an opportunity instead of a personal attack. And that skill is completely within your control to develop. It's not about being naturally thick-skinned or not caring what people think. It's about having a systematic approach to processing feedback that keeps you from spiraling while still allowing you to extract valuable information that helps you improve.
So, the next time feedback stings—and it will, because you're human—remember that you get to decide what happens next. You can spiral for three days, replaying the conversation and coming up with a great comeback well after the fact, or you can pause, filter, clarify, and use what's valuable while letting go of the rest. The choice is your power.
That's how you stop sabotaging your success and start building the career you actually want.
Because at the end of the day, embracing constructive criticism isn't about seeking external validation or striving for some impossible standard of perfection. It's about using the feedback you receive as a tool to become the best version of yourself and contribute meaningfully to your field. And you're absolutely capable of doing that.
And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Handling Feedback Gracefully at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode two hundred and ten.
Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.
Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.
