223. Some Do Want You To Succeed and Some Do Not
- 2 days ago
- 16 min read
Protecting our energy means learning to distinguish between genuine allies and those who use us as a convenient stepping stone to their own advancement. We explore the limiting beliefs that keep us trapped in people-pleasing mode and the warning signs that signal someone sees us as a pawn rather than a peer. By getting selective about who deserves our time, we can build the real support system our careers depend on.
And then there are the people who drain your energy with constant requests, constant needs, constant drama, but who disappear into thin air the moment you need something in return.
Are you doing the work, delivering results, and watching someone else get the credit? Are you the one everyone turns to for help, but who gets left without support when you need it most? Are you feeling burned out from giving your time and energy to colleagues who don't reciprocate?
You'll learn that not everyone in your professional circle wants to see you succeed, and that learning to tell the difference between genuine allies and those who are simply using you is essential to protecting your most valuable career resource—your energy.
WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER
How to recognize the warning signs that someone sees you as a pawn
6 concrete strategies to protect your time and energy
Why getting selective about who deserves your attention and expertise is the strategic foundation of long-term career success
SUBSCRIBE: APPLE PODCASTS | SPOTIFY | AMAZON | PODBEAN | POCKETCASTS
TRANSCRIPT
Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode two hundred and twenty-three. I'm your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way.
You're doing the work, putting in the hours, delivering results—but somehow the credit keeps landing on someone else's desk. And that colleague, who's always asking for your help with their project proposal, their code, or their presentation? Not surprisingly, they are mysteriously unavailable when you need someone to back you up in a meeting or review your work. Sound familiar? It's time we learned how to identify who actually wants to see us succeed versus those who see us as a convenient stepping stone to their own advancement. Because, unfortunately, I had to learn this the hard way—so, trust me, you can't afford to waste your energy on people who are just using you to get ahead.
In this episode, we're exploring ways to spot the difference between those who are genuine allies and those who are using you as a pawn to further their own interests at work. We'll help you distinguish whether someone is actually in your corner or you need to be wary that they have their own agenda. We'll touch on the beliefs that keep us trapped in people-pleasing mode, the real consequences of ignoring the warning signs, and most importantly, the practical strategies you can use right now to build a support system that actually supports you. Because learning to distinguish between those who want to see you succeed and those who don't isn't about becoming cynical or paranoid—it's about learning to protect the most valuable resource you have, which is your energy.
As I've said many times before, we're playing a different game than our male colleagues in trying to get ahead in our fields. Recognition for our hard work can be scarce. We're often outnumbered, sometimes drastically, and fighting for what seem like limited spots at the table. The competitive dynamics in these environments make it harder to know who to trust. And here's where it gets tricky—many of us were socialized from an early age to be helpful and to care for other people's needs, even putting them above our own. We default to being the accommodating team player without ever questioning whether the people we're helping actually deserve that energy or would return the favor when we need it.
Think about the common scenarios that play out. There's the colleague who only reaches out when they need your expertise—you know, the one who suddenly contacts you when they're stuck on something you're good at, but who you haven't heard from in months, otherwise. There's the manager who claims credit for your ideas in meetings, claiming your brilliant solution is what "we came up with" so that by the time it reaches senior leadership, it was all their idea. There's the teammate who's incredibly supportive in private, telling you how right you are and how unfair the situation is, but who sits there in complete silence when you're being criticized publicly. And then there are the people who drain your energy with their constant requests, constant needs, constant drama, but who disappear into thin air the moment you need something in return.
Investing time and energy in the wrong relationships doesn't just waste your resources, it can damage your confidence and your career trajectory. When you're being used as a pawn, you're doing the work that advances someone else's career while yours stagnates. The cumulative effect of giving without receiving leads to burnout, resentment, and eventually, a kind of boundary fatigue where you're so exhausted from people taking from you that you don't even have the energy to protect yourself anymore. And your misplaced loyalty keeps you stuck right where you are, while you inadvertently help them climb right over you on their way to the top.
Some of our own beliefs keep us trapped in this dynamic, and awareness is the first step to change. Here are four limiting beliefs to be aware of:
The first limiting belief is this idea that "I should help everyone who asks, because it's the right thing to do." People can ask you for anything they want, and believe me, they will. They can ask you to do their work for them, explain concepts they should have learned on their own, or even expect you to wait around for their part of the submission package until midnight on the day it is due. But it's up to you to maintain your boundaries by deciding what you'll tolerate and what you won't. Being selective about who deserves your time isn't selfish—it's strategic. You only have so many hours in the day, and every hour you spend helping someone who wouldn't help you when you need them, is an hour you're not spending on your own advancement.
The second limiting belief is "If I'm too cautious about who I trust, I'll seem paranoid or difficult." But here's what you need to understand: they take their cue from what you're willing to tolerate. If you set the standard that your time is valuable and you're selective about who gets access to it, people will respect that. If you set the standard that anyone can interrupt you at any time, use you as a pawn in furthering their own agenda, or take from you without any intention to reciprocate—well, they'll do that too. Discernment isn't a personality flaw—it's a professional skill. The most successful people you know are incredibly selective about where they invest their time and energy, and you should be, too.
The third limiting belief is "I need to prove my worth by being selfless and accommodating." This belief creates a never-ending cycle of having to prove your value through people-pleasing, and it's toxic. Your worth isn't determined by how useful you are to others. You're not a tool in someone else's toolbox. You're a professional with your own goals, your own career trajectory, and your own priorities. When you work so hard to get everyone to like you, you very often end up not liking yourself so much, because you've compromised what you need and what you believe in order to avoid disappointing those other people. And usually, this ends up with you disappointing yourself.
And finally, the fourth limiting belief is "Everyone is watching and judging me, so I can't afford to be selective." And yet, the liberating truth is, no one is watching you that closely. They're too worried about themselves. They're too wrapped up in their own logistics, their own personal problems, and their own career concerns. What are you thinking about right now? Probably yourself, your challenges, or your to-do list. You're not sitting around picking apart every move your colleagues make, right? Well, they're not doing that to you, either. The freedom of realizing that no one cares about you, as much as you think they do, means you can make choices that actually serve you without worrying about appearing difficult or uncooperative.
But, there are a few things we need to watch out for. It's important not to miss these six warning signs that signal someone sees you as more of a pawn rather than someone they need to take seriously:
Apply the reciprocity test. Do they seek you out only when they need something, but remain conveniently unavailable when you reach out? If the relationship feels consistently one-sided, that's your answer. Real professional relationships have an ebb and flow—sometimes you're helping them, sometimes they're helping you. But if it's always you doing the giving, that's not a healthy relationship. That's when you're being used.
Watch the public versus private support pattern. Are they supportive in one-on-one conversations, but silent when you're criticized or challenged in group settings? This is a big one because it can make you begin to question your own judgment. They seem so nice in private. They tell you that they totally understand your frustration. But, when it actually matters—when you're being undermined in a meeting, when someone's taking credit for your work, or when you need someone to speak up on your behalf—they won't advocate for you. That private support without public backing is worthless for your career advancement.
Pay attention to credit and recognition patterns. Do your ideas become attributed to the team in meetings? Does your solution somehow morph into their solution by the time it reaches senior leadership? Do they benefit from your work without ever acknowledging your contribution? In healthy professional relationships, people are very careful about giving credit where credit is due. They say things like, "As Sarah pointed out in her analysis..." or "Building on the approach that Jody developed...". When someone consistently takes credit for your work or lets it blur into collective ownership, they're showing you who they are, and you need to stop excusing this behavior.
Check for emotional manipulation. When you say no, do they make you feel like you're letting them down or being unhelpful? Do they intentionally try to make you feel guilty or test your boundaries? Do they use your desire to be a good team player against you? This is manipulation, plain and simple. People who genuinely respect you accept your boundaries without making you feel uncomfortable about having them.
Do an energy drain assessment. After interactions with certain people, do you feel depleted or energized? Do they bring problems to people's attention but never solutions? Are conversations always about their needs and never about yours? Your gut reaction after spending time with someone tells you a lot. Don't dismiss those feelings. If you consistently feel exhausted, frustrated, or diminished after talking with someone, that's information worth paying attention to.
Apply the validation versus gaslighting test. Do they validate your experiences or make you question your reality? When you express frustration about something that happened that feels unfair to you, do they listen and acknowledge it, or do they minimize it and make you feel like you're being too sensitive? Are you constantly second-guessing yourself after talking to them? Real allies validate your experiences. They might offer different perspectives or potential solutions, but they don't make you question whether what you experienced really happened.
Now, what does it feel like to have genuine allies that have your back? These are the people who 'get it' without extensive explanation. You mention something that bothered you and they immediately understand why, without you having to justify your reaction or prove that you're not blowing it out of proportion. They validate your experiences, instead of gaslighting them. They show up publicly, not just privately—they speak up in meetings, they give you credit in front of others, they advocate for you even when you're not in the room. The relationship feels reciprocal over time. Maybe not in every single interaction, but when you look back at the pattern, there's a balance of give and take. They give you honest, constructive feedback without judgment—they'll tell you when you can improve something, but they do it in a way that's helpful rather than harmful. And, most importantly, they do things that show you that they truly want you to succeed.
Many things can potentially happen when we ignore these signs and don't make a change. Professionally, your best ideas and work advance other people's careers while yours stagnates. You become known as the 'helper' rather than the 'leader'. You're the person everyone goes to when they need something, but you're not the person they think of when opportunities for advancement come up. You're too busy serving other people's agendas to pursue your own goals, so opportunities end up passing you by. And your reputation becomes tied to being agreeable and accommodating rather than being competent and strategic.
The personal consequences can also be pretty damaging. You may experience burnout from constantly giving without receiving. The erosion of your boundaries leads to boundary fatigue—where you're so tired of having to defend your limits that you stop defending them at all. You lose confidence from being used repeatedly, and you start to wonder if maybe you're just not as valuable as you thought, when the reality is that you have incredible expertise and insights. You're just giving all that effort to people who don't appreciate it. You feel that overwhelming feeling of needing to please everyone, while also realizing that it's just not possible to make everyone happy.
All this tends to compound over time. When you don't keep your word to yourself about maintaining your professional boundaries, you engage in self-sabotage. When people use manipulation, guilt, or pressure to get what they want from you, you might comply in the short-term, but it creates lingering resentment that damages both the relationship and your own sense of self-worth. A lack of self-discipline around your boundaries becomes symbolic of larger self-worth issues. You start to believe that maybe you don't deserve to have boundaries, and that maybe your time and energy aren't as valuable as everyone else's.
But here's what changes when you do this work and get selective about your relationships. Immediately, your energy goes to people who genuinely support your growth instead of being scattered across everyone who asks for something from you. You build an informal support system of the one or two people who really 'get it'. And yes, sometimes in hostile workplaces, that's all you need.
Just having one or two people who truly have your back can make all the difference. You experience validation and empathy that actually fosters your confidence and helps you improve your performance, instead of the constant gaslighting that makes you question yourself. And you receive feedback you can trust from people who see you for who you are and want to cultivate the potential for who you could become.
Long-term, you create micro-communities even within these toxic workplaces that build your resilience. Finding people who validate rather than gaslight protects your sanity in environments that can make you feel like you're losing your mind. Strategic relationships accelerate your advancement rather than always draining your resources. And you feel empowered to hold your boundaries, which can really help you reduce the potential for self-sabotage. When you trust yourself to maintain your limits, you stop betraying yourself in order to please others.
Now, let me share five insights that people tend to overlook:
There's strategic value in perspective-taking. When someone frustrates you, try telling their story from their point of view. This doesn't mean excusing bad behavior or letting people use you—it means understanding their motivation so you can respond strategically rather than react emotionally. When you understand what pressures they're under or why they might be acting in a certain way, you can decide whether they're worth your energy or not, from a more informed position. Understanding them better helps you either become a better influence on them, if they're worth it, or recognize more clearly why you should invest your energy elsewhere.
Understand the commitment versus compliance framework. When people use manipulation, guilt, or pressure, they might get your compliance, but this type of force also creates counterforces. You might go along with what they want in the moment, but you'll resent it, and that resentment builds over time. Real allies aren't trying to force you into anything. They're more interested in earning your genuine commitment to mutual success. Ask yourself: is this person trying to force me to do what they want, or are they trying to build something that's mutually beneficial? That distinction matters.
Pay attention to the specificity of recognition. General platitudes like "great job" or "you're so helpful" tend to mean nothing. Real allies give specific recognition for specific things. If someone never acknowledges your particular contributions, they're not paying attention to what you actually do. They just see you as a general resource they can tap whenever they need something.
Nobody cares. And that's actually a good thing. Most people are too wrapped up in their own worlds to judge you constantly. The fear of "what will they think if I say no" or "what will they think if I'm not helpful" is often what's keeping you from protecting yourself, when the reality is they're not thinking about you nearly as much as you fear. Use this freedom to make choices that serve you without worrying about appearing difficult. Because here's what I've observed: men don't seem to care about whether they're liked or not. They focus on getting their point across, getting results, and on achieving their goals. Maybe we should start taking a page from that playbook.
You get more of what you tolerate. It's your job to maintain the standard of how others treat you. People are getting their cue from you about what's acceptable behavior in your relationship with them. If you want to be treated with respect, you have to model that by treating yourself with respect and not tolerating behavior that crosses your boundaries. Stop making excuses for them.
As much as we'd like to, we cannot control what others say or do. So, what can we actually control? Let me give you six concrete strategies to consider:
Strategy number one, develop a boundary script arsenal. Have specific phrases ready for saying no without sabotaging relationships like, "I'd love to help, but I'm at capacity right now. Have you considered reaching out to [this other person]?" or, "I need to prioritize my own projects this week, but let's revisit this next Monday, if you're still stuck" or, "I can offer thirty minutes, but that's my limit today". Then, practice these until they feel natural, because in the moment, when someone's asking you for something and you're feeling that automatic pressure to say yes, you'll need these scripts to roll off your tongue easily.
Strategy number two, address issues early. When someone says something about you that isn't true, immediately correct them. Don't argue about it. Don't get emotional. Just state what you know to be true like, "Actually, I completed that analysis independently" or, "Just to clarify, that was my recommendation in last week's meeting". Clearly define your expectations, especially when boundaries are crossed. The longer you wait to address something, the harder it becomes and the more normalized that bad behavior gets.
Strategy number three, shift your self-talk. Stop talking to yourself in a way you'd never let others talk to you. Notice when you make self-deprecating statements because you're giving others license to treat you poorly when you do that. Practice positive self-talk as a boundary-setting tool. Be mindful of what you say about yourself in front of others, because they're listening and they will treat you accordingly.
Strategy number four, anticipate the testing of your boundaries. Decide in advance how you want to deal with those uncomfortable experiences. How you react is a choice—make it consciously rather than just reacting emotionally in the moment. Promise yourself that you'll uphold your boundaries, even when tested. When you've already decided that you won't work weekends except in true emergencies, or that you won't respond to requests that come in after a certain time, it's much easier to maintain those boundaries when you've already made the decision.
Strategy number five, move beyond your fear of judgment. Ask yourself this question: "What would I do if I didn't care what anyone else thought?" Use this to identify where your fear of judgment is keeping you stuck in unhealthy dynamics. Remember that being liked is overrated, especially if it costs you your advancement. Men don't focus on whether they're liked—they focus on results. Maybe being a little less liked by people who are using you anyway isn't such a bad trade-off for having more energy for the things that will move the needle in your career.
And finally, strategy number six, follow through. Setting a boundary is step one. Upholding it, when someone violates it, is step two, and that's often the harder step. If you don't uphold your boundaries, others won't respect them either. They'll learn that you don't really mean it, and they'll just keep pushing until you give in. Having confidence in your boundaries is what will help you avoid self-sabotage. Saying no to others is saying yes to yourself. Every time you uphold a boundary, you're reinforcing to yourself that you matter, and that your time and energy also matters.
I encourage you to reframe what success looks like. Instead of proving your worth through accommodation, demonstrate your value through strategic relationship-building. Instead of being the perfect helper who never says no, be selective about who deserves your attention and your expertise. Instead of seeking approval from everyone, focus on building social capital with the right people—the ones who actually help you advance, not just the ones who want to use your help to advance themselves.
Two fundamental human needs include a sense of belonging and a sense of being respected and valued by others. Ask yourself honestly whether the relationships you're investing in are meeting these needs, or just depleting you. Because if you don't feel like you belong and you don't feel respected and valued, you're investing your time and energy in the wrong people.
And here's something important to remember: you can recover from choosing the wrong people to invest in. You can redirect your energy. You can rebuild your boundaries. And they will adjust and adapt to you starting to set boundaries with them, even if you've never done this before. This isn't about burning bridges or creating enemies—it's about having some self-respect and being strategic with your finite resources.
It's a question of self-awareness and understanding the profound impact you allow others to have on you. Real acts of self-care aren't about spa days and scented candles—they're about showing up for yourself by setting and maintaining boundaries that protect your time and energy.
So, here's your challenge for this week. Do an energy audit of your key workplace relationships. Make a list of the people you interact with regularly and honestly assess whether each relationship energizes you or drains you. Then, choose one person from your list who consistently drains you and make one small adjustment to how you allocate your time with them. Maybe you stop immediately accommodating their requests and instead, focus on prioritizing time spent with another person who energizes you. And then, notice how it feels to invest in professional relationships that actually serve your growth instead of giving of your time in service of someone else's agenda.
You're not selfish for choosing to spend your time with people who actually want to see you succeed. That's not self-sabotage—that's self-preservation. And that's exactly what this career journey requires.
Because at the end of the day, learning to distinguish between allies and those who simply want to use you isn't about becoming cynical or closed off. It's about protecting your time and your energy. And learning to manage both is essential for survival and long-term career success.
And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Building Your Real Support System At Work at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode two hundred and twenty-three.
Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.
Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.
