224. Stop Trusting Your Future To The Wrong People
- 2 days ago
- 16 min read
Too often, we mistake politeness for genuine support and hold onto professional relationships that drain rather than advance us. In male-dominated fields, the scarcity of allies can cause us to lower our standards, accepting mediocre connections simply because they don't actively harm us. It's time we intentionally curated a career board of directors filled with people who truly champion us.
You stop expecting other people to care about your advancement as much as you do. You stop being disappointed when they don't advocate for you the way you would advocate for them.
Are you holding onto professional relationships that drain you simply because you're grateful for any support in a male-dominated field? Are you confusing politeness with genuine advocacy, and wondering why the people in your inner circle aren't actually advancing your career? Are you operating under flawed beliefs about mentorship and networking that are keeping you comfortably stuck?
You'll learn that no one will take your career as seriously as you do, and that intentionally curating a career board of directors—rather than letting your inner circle form by default—is one of the most powerful competitive advantages available to you.
WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER
Why recognizing the difference between surface-level politeness and genuine career advocacy is critical to your long-term advancement and professional well-being
5 practical tips to identify the red flags that signal someone in your professional circle isn't the ally you think they are
Why intentionally building a curated inner circle gives you an advantage that no technical skill alone can provide
SUBSCRIBE: APPLE PODCASTS | SPOTIFY | AMAZON | PODBEAN | POCKETCASTS
TRANSCRIPT
Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode two hundred and twenty-four. I'm your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way.
When was the last time you really looked at the people in your professional circle and asked yourself if they actually want you to succeed? If you're anything like me, your immediate response is probably something like, "Of course they do", but have you really thought about whether their actions truly reflect that sentiment? Because here's the uncomfortable truth that nobody wants to hear—not everyone you work with wants to see you win. And in male-dominated fields like engineering, we're often so grateful for any allies, any mentors, any friendly face in a sea of skepticism, that we completely miss the red flags that tend to be right in front of us. We hold onto relationships that drain us, trust people who haven't earned it, and wonder why we're so exhausted just trying to keep up.
In this episode, we're going to talk about something that most career advice completely glosses over, and that is how to be intentional about who you let into your inner circle. We're going to look at why the people you trust might actually be holding you back, the real cost of maintaining toxic or mediocre relationships just because they're familiar, and how to build your own career board of directors that actually pushes you forward instead of keeping you comfortably stuck.
There are many different roles you need filled, and no one single person can be everything for you. Being selective about your professional relationships isn't about being paranoid, but rather it's about being smart. It's time you acknowledged that no one will take your career as seriously as you do—not your manager, not even your mentor. So, let's stop waiting for someone to save us and start building the support system we actually need.
The same scarcity mindset that makes it hard to find supportive colleagues also makes us really bad at evaluating the ones we have. Think about it. Someone is nice to you in a meeting. They don't interrupt you. They actually make eye contact when you're talking, and suddenly you're thinking, "Great, I found an ally!". But did you? Or did you just find someone who's mastered basic human decency and you're so starved for it that you've confused politeness with actual support?
This is the trap we fall into constantly. We work alongside people every day, share coffee, commiserate about deadlines, laugh at the absurdity of it all, and we assume we all want the same things. But proximity isn't loyalty. Just because someone sits near you doesn't mean they're rooting for you. In fact, some of the people who seem the friendliest in the break room are the same ones who go silent when you propose an idea in meetings, or worse, repackage your idea and present it later as their own.
Let me paint you a picture of what this actually looks like. You have a colleague who's super supportive when it's just the two of you. They tell you your ideas are brilliant. They sympathize when you're frustrated. They're great at making you feel heard. But in meetings, they never back you up when someone challenges you. They don't amplify your key points. They don't use their voice to elevate yours. They don't speak up when someone says something that's completely out of line. That's not an ally—that's someone who enjoys your company but isn't invested in your success.
Here's another example. You have a mentor who gives you a lot of emotional support and career advice that sounds really good, but somehow they never actually open any doors for you. They're happy to listen to your frustrations over coffee, they validate your feelings, and they might even give you tactical advice about dealing with difficult personalities. But when it comes to introducing you to important people, recommending you for high-profile assignments, or putting your name forward for career-defining opportunities, suddenly they're nowhere to be found. Unfortunately, that's not real mentorship.
When you're used to being the only woman in the room, or one of very few, you can sometimes become grateful for any professional relationship that doesn't actively undermine you. The bar gets set so low that if they don't overtly sabotage you, it starts to feel like friendship. So, you cling to mediocre relationships that are not helping you with your career advancement, because at least it's something.
So, what should you be watching out for in your professional relationships that signal that this person isn't who you think they are? Here are five tips that you might want to keep in mind:
Watch how people react to your wins. Not your small wins—everyone can muster up a "good job" even when they don't really mean it. I'm talking about your big wins—a big promotion, an invitation to speak at an industry conference, those real achievements you've put a lot of effort into. Do the people in your inner circle genuinely celebrate with you or do they get weird? Do they find ways to minimize it or pivot the conversation back to themselves immediately? Do they go silent for a few days? People who truly support you aren't threatened by your success. They're truly happy for you, ready and willing to celebrate your wins.
Notice who only reaches out when they need something. It's that colleague who never responds to your messages unless they need you to do something for them. These are transactional relationships masquerading as genuine connections. And sure, all professional relationships have some element of exchange—that's fine. But when it only flows in one direction, when you're always the one giving and they're always taking, that's when you need to take a closer look.
Pay attention to the chronic interrupters and dismissers. Unfortunately, we're all familiar with being interrupted. But who seems to make it a habit to interrupt you? Who is also in the meeting and doesn't even notice you've been cut-off? Or worse, they notice, but they don't care.
Watch what people do when you show a vulnerability. When you think you're sharing your career goals, your frustrations, or your fears with a trusted confidant, does what you say stay between the two of you? Or does it get used against you, later? Real supporters hold your confidence. They don't weaponize it.
Watch out for the people who introduce you as "one of the guys" instead of championing your unique value. It might feel like inclusion in the moment, like you've been accepted into 'the old boys' club'. But what they're really doing is erasing the perspective and experience that makes you valuable. They're making you palatable to the existing power structure instead of using their influence to change that structure. That's not advocacy. That's a form of benevolent assimilation.
There can be a real cost to you when you're not being selective enough about who you let into your inner circle, because the consequences aren't abstract—they can be painfully concrete.
You end up emotionally exhausted. These relationships can drain you more than they fuel you, leaving you depleted. You spend your energy trying to prove yourself to people who will never fully validate you. You're constantly trying to fit in, managing other people's comfort with your presence instead of doing your actual job. And the self-doubt creeps in. When you're surrounded by people who question your abilities, even when it's subtly framed as "helpful feedback" that's really just criticism, you start questioning yourself. You second-guess your instincts. You hesitate before speaking up. You start to believe maybe you're not as capable as you thought.
Someone gives you advice that keeps you safely in your lane, and you follow it, not realizing that they just talked you out of the exact risk you needed to take to move the needle in your career. You stay in a role too long because the people in your circle aren't pushing you to think bigger. You turn down opportunities because someone you trust told you that you weren't ready—but were they really looking out for you, or were they projecting their own fears onto your situation?
You get passed over for promotions because no one with actual power is advocating for you behind closed doors. You don't even know about opportunities until after they've been filled because you're not in the right conversations. You get stuck on projects that don't showcase your strengths because the people who could recommend you for better, more exciting work either don't think of you or don't care to help. Your reputation gets shaped by people who don't truly understand your capabilities, or worse, who understand them perfectly and are deliberately downplaying them to make themselves look better by comparison.
And, against all odds, when you do make the move into leadership, if you haven't curated the right group of people, you enter into a feedback vacuum where suddenly, nobody wants to tell you the truth. People start telling you what they think you want to hear instead of what you need to know. The very time you need honest feedback the most—when you're navigating new responsibilities, or making decisions that affect other people—is when it becomes hardest to get. And if your inner circle is full of yes-people or silent observers instead of truth-tellers who have your back, you'll make preventable mistakes that could derail your career.
And eventually, you'll edge closer to burnout. Real, crushing burnout that comes from trying to maintain relationships that don't serve you while simultaneously trying to excel at work. You're managing toxic dynamics, absorbing other people's drama, and still trying to deliver excellent technical work. Something's got to give, and usually it's your health, your happiness, or your career momentum.
So, why is it that we keep making these same mistakes? It's because we're operating under some fundamentally flawed beliefs that we've never questioned. Let's reframe five of the biggest ones:
Flawed belief #1: "I should be grateful anyone wants to mentor me." No, you deserve mentors who see your potential, not people who are doing you a favor or collecting mentees like Pokemon cards to boost their own reputation as someone who supposedly 'supports women in tech'. A real mentor is invested in your growth. They challenge you, they open doors, they spend some of their political capital on your behalf. If your mentor is just having nice conversations with you, but never actually doing anything to advance your career, they're not acting as a real mentor. They're more of a pleasant acquaintance with a fancy title.
Flawed belief #2: "Networking means being nice to everyone." Strategic relationship-building means being selective about who gets your time and energy. Every hour you spend at a networking event with people who will never help you is an hour you didn't spend deepening relationships with people who actually matter. It's worthwhile to be pleasant to everyone, but be strategic about where you invest your limited time and energy.
Flawed belief #3: "If I set boundaries, I'll seem difficult." Without boundaries, you risk burning out and becoming resentful because you never said no. Boundaries actually show people how seriously you take your career and demonstrate your self-respect. They create clarity. They prevent resentment. And yes, some people won't like them—usually the people who are benefiting from your lack of boundaries, in the first place. That's important information to have, so pay attention to who kicks up the biggest fuss when you start to set some limits.
Flawed belief #4: "I need to maintain these relationships no matter how toxic, because they might help me someday." I think this is scarcity thinking at its worst. Toxic connections cost you more opportunities than they create because they drain the energy you could be using to build genuine relationships with people who actually want to help you. A toxic person who's well connected isn't going to magically start advocating for you. They're just going to continue being toxic, except now you've wasted years trying to convince them that you're worth their attention.
Flawed belief #5: "My inner circle should just come together naturally." No, that's just wishful thinking. Your career board of directors requires intentional curation. You need to be as strategic about your professional relationships as you are about your technical skills. Actually, more strategic because your technical skills will only take you so far—it's the people who champion you when you're not in the room who determine how far you'll actually go.
So, what does a curated inner circle actually look like? It means having different people fill different roles because it's delusional to think that one person can possibly meet all your professional needs.
Here are five of the most important roles you'll need to fill in order to be successful long term:
The Cheerleaders: These are the people who've known you the longest, who can give you perspective and remind you of who you were when you were still dreaming of becoming who you are today. When you're doubting yourself, when you feel like an impostor, when you've forgotten why you even wanted this career in the first place—these are the people who can bring you back to yourself. They're not necessarily in your field. They don't necessarily have to understand the technical details. What they do understand is you.
The Allies: These are the people you've met along the way and bonded with in professional settings. They're your peers, the people in the trenches with you who look out for you and provide insights about the career landscape you're navigating that no one else would have. They know which projects are career-builders and which are career-killers. They know which managers to work for and which to avoid. They warn you about the landmines before you step on them.
The Mentors: These are the guides who have accomplished great things in a similar field and have your best interests at heart even outside the office. They champion your work. They unlock doors to provide opportunities you wouldn't be able to get yourself. Real mentors don't just give advice—they take action on your behalf. They put their reputation on the line for you and make key introductions. They recommend you for things. They create exciting opportunities where none existed.
The Advocates: These are the people who spread the word about the great work you've done with sincere enthusiasm. They provide the necessary support, feedback, and recognition at just the right time to keep you going. Most importantly, they do this even when you're not in the room. These are your behind-the-scenes champions.
The Supporters: These are the people who will be in your corner all the way, providing unconditional support because they genuinely want you to succeed. And here's what makes them different from cheerleaders—they'll give you real feedback, even when it's not positive, or easy to hear. They'll tell you when you've screwed up. They'll call you on your blind spots. They care about you enough to be honest with you.
So, why do you need all five? Because different stages of your career require different types of support. For instance, when you're making a big career decision, you need the cheerleader to remind you of your values, the ally to tell you the political realities, the mentor to help you see the strategic implications, the advocate to champion your choice to the people who matter, and the supporter to give you the honest feedback you need to hear. You'd be pretty lucky, and quite an anomaly, if a single person could do all of that for you. And if you try to make one person your everything, you'll be asking too much of them and leaving yourself vulnerable when they're not available. And frankly, getting a few different perspectives on things is never a bad thing.
This all might seem like a lot to do when you're already overwhelmed with your never-ending to do list. Here are six specific strategies that might help that you could start implementing today:
Strategy #1: Conduct a ruthlessly honest inner circle audit. Right now, write down the people you currently turn to most often for career stuff. For each person, ask yourself: Do they have my career interests at heart, or do I just enjoy their company? Have they actually done anything to help me advance in my career, or do they just say supportive things? Which role do they fill? Now look at the gaps. Which roles are completely missing? And here's the uncomfortable question—if you got a major win tomorrow, which of these people would you not call? That's valuable information.
Strategy #2: Set criteria before you invest. Before you deepen any professional relationship, before you start treating someone as part of your inner circle, ask yourself: Has this person accomplished what I want to accomplish? Do their actions match their words? Do they respect my boundaries? Have they proven they can be trusted? Watch how they talk about other women in your field—because that's exactly how they'll talk about you when you're not around. Notice whether they're more interested in being seen as someone who mentors women in tech or in actually seeing you succeed. These are important questions to consider.
Strategy #3: Create distance from those who drain your energy. You don't need dramatic confrontations. You just need to stop investing your time. Stop oversharing your goals and dreams with people who haven't earned the right to hear them. Stop seeking validation from people who won't provide it. Redirect your emotional energy to people who've actually shown up for you. The relationships that no longer serve you will naturally fade through neglect, and that's okay.
Strategy #4: Build your career board of directors. I heard this somewhere, and it definitely applies in this situation: "You want volunteers, not recruits." You want people who are genuinely interested in your growth, not people you've had to guilt into helping you. When you identify someone you'd like to have in your inner circle, be specific about what you're asking for. Don't just say, "Will you mentor me?". That's vague and scary for them to agree to. Say, "I'm working on improving my technical presentations and I'd love your perspective on my approach. Would you have thirty minutes sometime over the next two weeks to help me make it more compelling?". Give them a clear, bounded way to help you. Make it easy for them to say yes. And always, always offer some sort of value in return. Don't see this as purely transactional, because all good relationships are reciprocal.
Strategy #5: Build honest feedback loops before you need them. If you're already in leadership or headed there, start building those feedback loops now. Because here's what happens—the higher you go, the more people start telling you what they think you want to hear instead of what you need to know. You have to explicitly create space for critical feedback. Ask specific questions like, "What's one thing I should stop doing? What's a blind spot you've noticed? Where could I have handled that situation better?". And when people give you honest feedback—even when it stings—reward it. Thank them. Act on it. Show them that it's safe to be honest with you. Even create channels for anonymous feedback, if needed. Get a trusted advisor outside your direct chain of command who has no incentive to shield you from the truth.
Strategy #6: Keep your inner circle aligned with your evolving goals. The reality is that the support you need will change over time. The people who were perfect for you as a junior engineer might not be right for you as a staff engineer or engineering manager. Your needs change. It's okay to outgrow relationships. It's okay to need different things from different people. Schedule quarterly reviews—actually put them on your calendar—where you assess whether your support system is still serving you. Be transparent with people about your growth. Tell them, "I'm entering a new phase and I need different types of support. Here's what would be the most helpful now." Give them the chance to evolve with you, but be prepared that some relationships will naturally dissolve.
Choosing your inner circle wisely is one of the most important things you can do for your career and your life. One thing to be aware of is that when you have low self-esteem or when you feel like an imposter, you will gravitate toward people who reinforce those beliefs. It's not conscious and it's not deliberate. But when you believe you're not good enough, you'll surround yourself with people who confirm that belief because it feels familiar. It feels safe. And for you, in that moment, it feels true.
The dysfunction becomes comfortable. You keep the toxic colleague around because their criticism matches what you're constantly hearing from that critical voice in your own head. You stay with the mediocre mentor because their low expectations of you align with what you secretly believe you deserve. You avoid the people who genuinely see your potential because their belief in you is so uncomfortable that you can't trust it.
And here's the thing—when you start shifting to a more supportive inner circle, it's going to feel weird. It's going to feel wrong. When people compliment you, when they believe in you, when they introduce you to important contacts or recommend you for opportunities, you're going to feel like a fraud. You're going to want to retreat back to the familiar dysfunction. Don't. Try to sit with the discomfort. You begin to match the positivity and belief of the people around you. The small internal flame that drives you—that prerequisite for greatness—gets stoked by the right people until it becomes hard to contain.
The research backs this up. Good relationships are one of the most important predictors of happiness and longevity. Relationships are best when both people feel supported and valued. They don't have to be conflict-free. They just have to be genuine. Toxic relationships filled with criticism, manipulation, negativity, or one-sidedness erode your confidence, drain your energy, and elevate your stress.
Remember, no one will take your career as seriously as you do. Once you really accept this, once you internalize that you are in charge of your own career and everyone else is just a consultant at best, you stop waiting for permission. You stop expecting other people to care about your advancement as much as you do. You stop being disappointed when they don't advocate for you the way you would advocate for them.
And you start being intentional about the relationships you keep. You start protecting your energy like the valuable resource it is. You stop asking yourself, "Who can I network with?". And instead you ask, "Who deserves access to me?". Because a curated inner circle isn't just a nice-to-have, it can be your competitive advantage.
And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Auditing Your Career Circle at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode two hundred and twenty-four.
Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.
Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.
