203. Always Ready For a Fight
- cindyesliger
- 2 days ago
- 11 min read
Operating in constant defense mode has taught us to assume danger where there may be none, quietly undermining trust, influence, and growth. By pausing, reflecting, and choosing curiosity over control, we learn to respond with intention instead of reacting from fear. When we replace armor with self-awareness, we reclaim our ability to lead with clarity, confidence, and credibility.
I was so used to being on the receiving end of condescension, dismissal, or underestimation, I didn’t even pause to ask myself whether this was a threat… or actually a show of support?
Are you constantly bracing yourself for criticism at work, even before anything has gone wrong? Are you quick to defend your decisions because feedback feels more like an attack than support? Are you exhausted from feeling like every workplace interaction could turn into a fight?
You’ll learn that habitual defensiveness, while often developed as a survival strategy, can quietly undermine trust, influence, and career growth—and that self-awareness is the key to shifting from reaction to intentional response.
WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER
Why defaulting to defensiveness can stall your career
5 practical tips to shift out of defensive mode
Why choosing curiosity and reflection over force builds trust and commitment
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TRANSCRIPT
Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode two hundred and three. I'm your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way.
Some of us walk into work like we're stepping onto a battlefield—ready for a fight before anyone's even thrown a punch. Over time, that hypervigilant, defensive posture can feel like second nature. We assume criticism is coming even when it isn't, and interpret any questions directed our way as personal attacks. But when defensiveness becomes our default setting, it quietly chips away at the very things we need most to succeed: trust, influence, and the ability to build professional relationships. And the worst part? Sometimes, we don't even realize we're doing it.
In this episode, we're unpacking the subtle but significant ways defensiveness can derail your career—not because you're wrong for wanting to protect yourself, but because that protective stance might be costing you more than it's saving. You'll learn why assuming everything is adversarial keeps you stuck, how to recognize your own patterns, and why self-awareness is a far more powerful tool than justifying and deflecting. We'll explore what it looks like to shift from reacting to responding, how to pause before you pounce, and how a small moment of reflection can reduce a lot of the unnecessary conflict in the workplace.
I'm sure we've all experienced that moment—the one where you feel your chest tighten the second your boss asks to speak with you. Not because anything's wrong (yet), and not because there's been some scandalous mistake, but because deep down you're bracing yourself for criticism. You're always preparing your defense, drafting the bullet points in your head, rationalizing every decision you've made over the last two weeks... just in case.
If that sounds familiar, you're not alone. In fact, if you're a woman navigating a male-dominated workplace like engineering, technology, or finance, it's almost expected that you're going to encounter resistance. We've been taught to be ready for a fight, at any moment.
When every interaction feels like a potential threat, we're always on high-alert, even when there's no real danger. It doesn't just exhaust us emotionally, it sabotages the very things we're working so hard to build, like relationships and trust.
We tend to default to defensiveness, to the 'me versus you' mentality, especially in environments where we've had to prove ourselves over and over again. It's a survival strategy. But in the long-term, it can also be a big career liability.
In my experience, when someone gave me unexpected feedback, I'd immediately be ready to object, defend, and counterattack. I would feel like I was being told, yet again, that I wasn't good enough. I never considered that they might just be giving me the nudge I needed to take my work to the next level.
I was so used to being on the receiving end of condescension, dismissal, or underestimation, I didn't even pause to ask myself whether this was a threat or actually a show of support.
Here are five common risks we encounter when we default to defensiveness:
Damaged Relationships: People stop giving you feedback because they don't want to deal with the possible emotional fallout. So, instead of helping you grow, they go quiet—and silence is not the sign of a healthy career.
Missed Learning Opportunities: You can't grow if you're too busy defending your past behavior. Sometimes, the person giving you the feedback is right. Maybe you did handle things poorly, and maybe next time, you'll do better. No one is asking you to be perfect, but you do need to show that you're coachable and adaptable. And actually, that's much more valuable in the long run.
Reinforced Negative Perceptions: In male-dominated spaces, where stereotypes about women being 'emotional' or 'difficult' still linger, defensiveness can play right into those perceptions—even if you feel that your behavior is totally justified.
Emotional Overload: Constantly bracing for a fight is exhausting. With that hypervigilance, your nervous system never gets a chance to relax. It's like being in a state of emergency all the time, and that's not sustainable or healthy.
Stalled Career Progress: You might think standing your ground makes you look strong, but leadership often looks for maturity, perspective, and composure. If every piece of feedback is denied and deflected rather than received and considered, you might not be the one they tap for the next opportunity.
Some of us just really, really hate being told what to do. Any implication that we might have to change something, especially coming from someone with more power than us, sets off internal alarms. Suddenly we're back in survival mode.
We walk into a one-on-one meeting with our boss and our shoulders tense up. So, we take three shallow breaths. We hear the word "feedback" and our brain immediately interprets that as "criticism". And even if what's being said isn't cutting or unfair, we boil with rage at the implied judgment.
And even when we know it's not a smart move to react emotionally to the person who literally determines our salary and our future at this company... sometimes, we just can't help ourselves. The fight response is hardwired.
The antidote to all of this? Self-awareness. The kind that makes you pause mid-rant and think, "Wait, why am I so mad right now?".
Start by asking yourself:
Why do I feel so tense?
What am I afraid might happen?
Is my reaction disproportional to this situation?
Does this person have anything to gain by making my life harder, or could they actually be trying to help me?
We often think we're being wronged when we're really being challenged. And being challenged, as uncomfortable as it is, helps us grow.
But I get it. You're tired of justifying your decisions, explaining yourself for the millionth time, because you always feel the need to prove your worth. You're at that point where you want to make people see it your way. And while employing force can be tempting, it's a short-term strategy with long-term consequences.
Because here's the thing. In physics, when you apply force to an object, it moves in the direction of that force. But when you apply force to a person, they are more likely to push back. Maybe not immediately. Maybe they nod and smile and comply, this one time. But that compliance won't last. And it definitely doesn't build loyalty. Instead, it fosters resentment. It's how you get people doing the bare minimum while you're watching—and nothing at all, when you're not.
Here's a distinction that will change the way you lead, collaborate, and influence:
Compliance means doing what someone tells you because you have to.
Commitment means doing it because you believe in it.
You don't need to be in a formal leadership role to see this in action. Every interaction you have with a teammate, a manager, or a client is an opportunity to get either compliance or build commitment. So, while force might achieve compliance, it's commitment that you want, and for that you need trust.
Commitment is built on two fundamental human needs: a sense of belonging and a sense of being respected and valued. When those needs are met, people show up differently. They trust you. They follow through. And, they advocate for you when you're not in the room.
Micromanagement, on the other hand, shows people that you don't trust them. It erodes both belonging and value. And I'm sure, at one time or another, we've all felt the sting of being micromanaged. So, let's not be the ones to turn that around and do it to others, just because we're feeling insecure.
Now think about this, when someone criticizes you—what if you didn't respond? What if you just listened?
Even if you don't agree, take a breath. Let it land. Then, sit with it for a moment. Maybe they're wrong, but maybe they're right. Maybe you could have handled something differently. And maybe, just maybe, with this knowledge, you'll do better next time.
Nobody is expecting you to be flawless. You may have messed up this time, but you can recover. What they have shared with you might be an important thing for you to hear, even if it wasn't delivered particularly well.
Because sometimes, we're the ones who are infuriating—and we don't even realize it. We talk over people. We don't listen as well as we think we do. We roll our eyes when we disagree. We send off an email with implied 'tone'. We dominate conversations under the guise of just being passionate. But if someone expresses frustration with us, we go on the defensive instantly, without taking a moment to determine whether it might, in fact, be warranted.
What would it look like to just absorb it for a second? Consider the possibility that you were misunderstood or that you could have done better. That kind of reflection isn't weakness; it's power. When we're emotional, we lose perspective. Our brain goes into tunnel vision. It becomes all about us—our pain, our fears, and our justification.
Here's a strategy to simply take a step back, and in this case, I mean that literally. Remove yourself from the situation. Take a walk to help you get out of your own head. Then, try this:
Retell the story you're telling yourself, but this time from the other person's point of view.
What might they be trying to accomplish?
What pressures are they under?
Why might they have chosen that particular approach?
You might still disagree with them, but you're likely to have a wee bit more understanding. And once you do, you can exert your influence more effectively.
Let's turn the tables for a moment. Imagine that someone more senior than you sent you an email on a Friday afternoon. A short note that said, "I just wanted to say thanks for the way you handled that situation in the client meeting. Your approach really changed the tone of the room, and it made a big difference." You'd reread that email all weekend, wouldn't you?
Now, think back to a time where you felt admired. Maybe someone publicly thanked you in a meeting. Maybe your manager told you, "I couldn't have pulled that off without you". What did that feel like?
Hold onto that feeling for a moment—the admiration, the respect, the power in knowing you had something valuable to offer. That version of you, that's the one you want steering the ship when tensions rise, not the one who's pre-drafting an argument in your head during a team meeting. Because when recognition is specific, it sticks. And when it's in writing, it's tangible. You can go back to it, savor it, let it remind you that your efforts are seen and appreciated. We don't need praise every day. But, the right kind of praise, at the right time? That can carry us through the next wave of uncertainty.
So, why don't we give more of it to others, for them to savor? I think the reason we don't do more of this is because we're too busy protecting ourselves or preparing for the next fight.
Here are five practical ways that might help you shift out of defensive mode:
Before any high-stakes conversations, breathe. Take three slow breaths before walking into that one-on-one with your boss. Center yourself. Remind yourself: you're on the same team.
Ask reflective questions in real-time. What's really bothering me? Am I actually under attack or just feeling like I'm under a lot of pressure? Is this person actually trying to help? Then, use those answers to adjust how you show up in the moment.
Create a pause buffer between emotion and reaction. We all get triggered at times. The emotions are going to happen, but not everything needs an immediate response, especially not emails and certainly not feedback. Buy yourself some time to process what you've just received, so you can decide how you want to respond, rather than simply reacting.
Name the emotion. You can't shift what you haven't acknowledged. "I'm feeling defensive right now" is a powerful sentence—just saying it lowers the temperature.
Choose curiosity over certainty. Instead of denying or dismissing the feedback you're receiving, take the opportunity to gather more information. Try saying, "Tell me more about what you saw" or, "How would you have approached it differently?". These questions move the conversation from conflict to collaboration.
Most discussions about defensiveness focus on how it affects team dynamics or reputational damage, which are both important. But, what's often overlooked is how habitual defensiveness trains you to ignore your own growth signals. If your first instinct is always to protect, explain, or deflect, then you never get a chance to examine what's actually happening beneath the surface—like fear, insecurity, or unhealed experiences from earlier in your career.
And over time, you start distrusting your own instincts, because you can't tell whether your reaction is wise, self-protection, or just panic in disguise. That inner confusion can interfere with your ability to trust yourself to make bold, intentional decisions that just might move your career forward.
So, this isn't just about how you show up with others—it's about how well you know yourself when the pressure is on. Because self-awareness is your most powerful tool for breaking the defensiveness cycle.
When we assume every workplace interaction is a threat, we often react with defensiveness that quietly undermines our credibility, strains our relationships, and interferes with our ability to influence—especially in the workplace, where trust is currency. But by pausing to reflect, choosing curiosity over control, and seeing our reactions as opportunities for growth, we begin to shift from reacting to responding with intention. That shift not only strengthens our leadership presence, but also reminds us that we're capable of creating connection, building trust, and moving forward with power and clarity—even in the toughest spaces.
Here's what it comes down to: being 'always ready for a fight' might have helped you survive to this point, but it won't help you thrive going forward. Yes, you may have had to claw your way up in a system that wasn't built for you. And yes, you may have been underestimated, overlooked, and sometimes dismissed entirely. But you've made it this far, not because you were combative, but because you were resilient.
Now, it's time to evolve again. It's time to lay down the armor, to stop assuming the worst. It's time to be intentional about your presence, to invite trust instead of forcing outcomes. It's time to listen, reflect, respond—and rise.
Because you weren't meant to be on guard all the time. You were meant to lead. And not from a place of fear—but from a place of power.
So, next time you feel that tightening in your chest, take a moment to just breathe. Pause. Remember who you are, and choose to show up differently.
And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Letting Go of Defensiveness at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode two hundred and three.
Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.
Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.
