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188. Who Do You Think You Are?

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Identity is not fixed but shaped by outdated assumptions, external validation, and the roles we’ve played, often leaving us feeling trapped in a version of ourselves that no longer fits. By cultivating self-awareness, we can navigate the discomfort of transitions, and reclaim the freedom to evolve into who we are becoming. It's time we gave ourselves permission to experiment, ask better questions, and step into careers that reflect our authentic selves.

To start, what you need is a little more curiosity about yourself, a little more willingness to say, “I don’t know who I’m becoming yet — but I’m open to finding out”.

Are you stuck in an outdated version of yourself that no longer feels authentic? Are you holding onto roles or labels because they’re safe, even though they no longer fit who you’re becoming? Are you confusing discomfort from growth with misalignment that drains your energy?


You’ll learn that self-awareness is not just about knowing your strengths but about questioning outdated stories, navigating the messy middle of identity shifts, and giving yourself permission to evolve into a career and life that actually fit who you’re becoming.


WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER

  • Why recognizing the difference between growth discomfort and misalignment is crucial to making career choices that feel fulfilling instead of draining

  • 3 practical tips to explore your identity beyond job titles or others’ expectations

  • Why embracing self-awareness as an ongoing practice allows us to ask better questions, reclaim our power, and create more aligned opportunities



















TRANSCRIPT

Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and eighty-eight. I'm your host Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 


We spend a lot of our careers trying to figure out who we are – or at least trying to appear like we've got that figured out. But the truth is, so much of who we think we are is shaped by outdated assumptions: what we've been praised for, what we've been paid to do, or how we've learned to survive in environments that weren't exactly built for us. Over time, those assumptions can quietly harden into an identity that feels more like armor than authenticity. And, while it may have helped get us here, it might also be the very thing keeping us from getting to where we want to go. Especially for women navigating male-dominated environments, where our value often gets filtered through someone else's expectations, it's easy to lose sight of what we actually want and who we want to become in the process. 


In this episode, we're pulling back the curtain on identity – not the curated professional version we present at work, but the real, evolving, sometimes confused, sometimes brilliant version of ourselves. We'll explore how self-awareness fuels our career growth, why we often don't know ourselves as well as we think, and how we can embrace the messy in-between moments when the old version of us starts to fall away, slowly being replaced by something more true to ourselves. In the workplace, identity isn't just personal – it's political, strategic, and necessary. 


That's where self-awareness comes in, the real kind. The kind that makes you pause mid-career and ask, "Is this still working for me?". It's not always comfortable, especially when the old version of you starts to fade and the new one hasn't fully taken shape. But getting curious about yourself, especially in those uncertain moments, is key to growth. Because you're not locked into the person you've been in the past. You're allowed to change your mind, realign your goals, and step into something new. In fact, it's not just allowed – it's necessary. And the sooner we embrace that, the closer we get to building a career that actually fits who we're becoming, not just who we've been. 


So, who do you think you are? Not in the sarcastic sense, but as an honest question. We're talking about the real, evolving version of you that's looking back at you in the mirror. The one who surprises you from time to time when something unexpectedly wise comes out of your mouth – and you think, "Did I just say that? That sounds pretty good". 


That's the version we're interested in. Because that's the one who holds the key to a fulfilling career, not the two-dimensional version, molded by other people's approval and their expectations. And yet, so much of who we think we are is shaped by exactly that: the roles we've played, the responsibilities we've juggled, and the things we've been rewarded for because we've done them well. Over time, that collection of roles, job titles, and expectations can become a straitjacket – tidy, familiar, but very limiting. 


We're often taught to build a 'strong professional identity', but what they don't tell you is that the longer you wear it, the harder it becomes to take it off. Identity is often mistaken for a job title, an area of expertise, or the way others describe you. But what you might not realize is that you get a say in that, too. You're not locked into who you've been, and your future isn't dictated only by your previous experience, as detailed on your resume. 


It's time to get curious about who you really are underneath all that professional polish. That curiosity is called self-awareness. And while it might sound a little woo-woo for some of you, it's actually a foundational tool for building a career (and a life) that doesn't make you feel like you're becoming someone you don't recognize. 


Self-awareness is your ability to understand your personality traits, emotional triggers, blind spots, motivations, tendencies, and defaults – all the little things that influence how you behave and why you do what you do. It's like figuring out your own user manual. And if you've ever tried to make a major career decision without that kind of self-awareness? Well, you probably already know how well that goes. 


The funny part is that most of us think we're self-aware. Research says that in self-assessments, nearly everyone believes they're very self-aware. Yet in reality, only about ten to fifteen percent actually demonstrate the behaviors of self-awareness. Which means the vast majority of us are somewhat delusional. 


And when we operate from that kind of misconception, then the consequences can stack up fast, like missed opportunities, misread situations, strained professional relationships, and ultimately burnout, if you're not careful. Like that job you stayed in two years too long because you thought it was the right path, even though your gut was screaming otherwise. Or the promotion you didn't go for because you didn't believe you were ready, only to watch someone less qualified and more self-assured get it. Those are the kinds of consequences you might have already encountered. 


Self-awareness isn't some final destination where you become magically enlightened and never mess up again. It's more like a starting line – a decision to actually start paying attention to what feels right for you. It's the beginning of understanding why you do what you do, so you can choose to do it differently, if needed. 


And that brings us back to the messy, middle ground – the moment when the old version of you starts to fall away, but the new version hasn't fully emerged yet. It's uncomfortable and it's disorienting. And, it's also where growth happens. You know that nagging feeling like you're outgrowing a part of your identity, but you're not sure what comes next? That's not a crisis; that's you evolving. 


So, let's ask that uncomfortable but necessary question again: Who do you think you are?


Who are you when you're not performing and not simply trying to prove your worthiness? Who are you when you're not 'the expert' or 'the reliable one', or the one who always knows what to do next? 


Because here's the thing – you may not even realize how much of your identity is shaped by what you've been praised for or what you've been paid to do. You get good at something, people reward you for it, and before you know it, you've built a career around it. But that doesn't mean it's who you are, and it definitely doesn't mean it's who you have to remain. 


We don't always recognize just how capable, wise, or ready we are until we step into something new, until we feel uncomfortable and do it anyway. That moment where something brilliant comes out of your mouth in a meeting, and you're just as shocked as everyone else. That's your real self penetrating through your carefully curated persona. And you've got ideas, instincts, and depth that your job title could never fully contain. 


But most of us don't let that version of ourselves come out to play very often. We're too busy being who we think we're supposed to be. 


And frankly, the professional world doesn't make it easy. Especially when recognition is scarce, rewards don't come at predictable intervals, and the goalposts are constantly shifting. You adapt, you try to conform, and you build a professional identity that helps you survive. And sometimes, you lose sight of the real you who actually wants to thrive in your workplace. 


That's where self-awareness becomes your secret weapon. It helps you see where you're performing instead of showing up authentically. It lets you make career decisions from a place of clarity, not out of fear or habit. It helps you understand your reactions – why you froze in that meeting, or why that offhand comment from your boss derailed your entire day – so you can respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively. 


It also helps you spot where the story you've been telling yourself – about who you are, what you're good at, and what you're allowed to want – is no longer true. 


And that's powerful, because the second you start to question that outdated story, you reclaim your power to write a new one. 


You start to see the difference between you and the identity that's been wrapped around you like armor. Believe me, taking that armor off can be terrifying. But it can also be amazingly freeing. 


You don't have to have it all figured out. You don't need a fully developed five year-plan complete with bullet points and SMART goals. To start, what you need is a little more curiosity about yourself, a little more willingness to say, "I don't know who I'm becoming, yet – but I'm open to finding out".


Because the truth is, your identity isn't static. It's not set in stone at twenty-five, thirty-five, or even forty-five. It shifts and it evolves. And, if you're paying attention, you get to shape it – not just react to it. 


And that's where we need to learn how to sit in the discomfort of "I don't know, yet" without rushing to fill the void. And why that space of not knowing might be the most important part of your career, and your life, so far.


It's not a sign that something's wrong. It's a sign that something's unfolding. But that won't stop the pressure from creeping in. Because if you're in transition or if you've stepped off the linear career path, you may not have it all figured out, yet. And for some reason, that really messes with us. We've been taught to wrap our identity around what we do for a living. And not just any job, but one that makes sense to other people, especially if it sounds impressive and you're well-compensated. 


Which is why we are so afraid of making a change, even if where we are doesn't feel good for us anymore, and even if it's just an echo of who we used to be. 


But what if, instead of frantically trying to fill the identity void with something that looks good on paper, we gave ourselves a little breathing room to figure it out? What if, when someone asks you, "So, what do you do for a living?", we traded the polished elevator pitch for something like:

  • "Honestly, I'm still figuring that out. I'm in a really interesting place of exploring what's next." 

  • "I'm saying yes to things that spark my curiosity right now and letting the next chapter reveal itself." 


I know that might sound a little uncomfortable for some of us, but at least it's honest and it opens up space for something new to emerge. That's why I'm a big fan of adopting the mantra:


Do interesting things with interesting people and see what comes up. 


Because identity isn't built in a vacuum. It's shaped through action, through experience, and through experimentation. But you can't experiment if you're too busy performing a role that no longer fits. 


Now, let's talk about the curse of competence. It's the thing that can get you promotions, raises, and sometimes, even respect. It can also keep you very stuck, especially if you're competent at what happens to be what other people want you to keep doing... forever. 


But remember, just because you're good at something, doesn't mean you should keep doing it. In fact, some of the things you're best at might be quietly draining the life out of you. 


It's funny, isn't it? The skills you've mastered, the ones that got you here, can start to feel like a prison when they become obligations, when the expectation is that you'll keep doing them indefinitely because you do them better than anyone else. And let's be honest, that pressure isn't just internal. Sometimes, other people need you to stay where you are because it serves their agenda, not yours. 


Maybe you're the one who holds it all together. You're the one everyone trusts, because you're 'the reliable one'. But that title comes with a halo and a straitjacket. Because the more people come to rely on you to do what you've always done, the harder it becomes to imagine doing anything else.


And let's not forget the ripple effect of staying stuck. When you cling to a role because it's familiar, you might be robbing someone else of the chance to rise – someone newer, someone hungry, someone ready to learn and grow. Think of it as a responsibility to make space for others when it's time for you to move on. 


But, how do you know when it's time? Honestly, you often don't – at least not right away. That's why self-awareness is so critical. It gives you the ability to notice the subtle signs: the restlessness, the fatigue, and don't overlook the envy that flares up when you hear someone else talk about what they're building, learning, or exploring. Those are all clues. 


It also helps you name the invisible weight of being the go-to person in a system that resists change. You know what I mean – the organization that leans on you too heavily because it refuses to grow or invest in others. Where you're praised for being indispensable, but somehow also overlooked for new opportunities. Beware. Because that's not a compliment. It's a warning sign. 


And yet, even when we know it's time to pivot, we hesitate. Because leaving what we're good at and what we're known for feels risky. It stirs up a lot of 'what ifs'.

  • What if the next thing doesn't work out? 

  • What if I'm not good at it? 

  • What if I fail publicly? 

  • What if people forget all about me? 


And here's another 'what if' to add to the mix: 

  • What if you never find out what you're really capable of because you were too scared to stop doing what you already know how to do? 


The truth is, growth will always involve some level of discomfort. Identity shifts never come with an instruction manual. But, if you're paying attention, and if you're brave enough to get curious, instead of retreating into what's familiar, you might just discover that you're already more than halfway to becoming who you want to be. 


The key is to keep asking questions, keep experimenting, keep noticing what feels expansive versus what feels like obligation. You're not locked in. You never were. You're evolving. And that's exactly the point. 


You're not required to stay the same person forever. You are allowed to grow, evolve, change your mind, change direction, and even admit that the things you once wanted no longer fit. In fact, if you're not doing those things every few years, there's a pretty good chance you're stuck in a version of yourself that no longer reflects who you've already become. 


In my opinion, we should all be reassessing who we are and what we want at least every five to seven years. Honestly, in today's world of shifting industries, AI revolutions, and changing life priorities, maybe even every three to five years is more realistic. What mattered to you early in your career might not even register as a priority now. And what feels meaningful at one life stage may feel incredibly suffocating at another. 


Even for wildly successful people, it's about regularly checking in and asking, "Does this still feel true for me?".


This is especially important when you realize that your career, like your life, is often shaped by trade-offs. At different points, you'll find yourself trying to balance what I like to call the 'three levers' of career decisions: 

  • Maximize income

  • Maximize impact

  • Maximize flexibility


You can often pull two of those levers at the same time, but rarely all three. And that's okay. Sometimes, you're in a season where income is the priority – paying off debt, building stability, and funding future dreams. Other times, you want to make a difference in the world, to feel like your work matters beyond the metrics. And sometimes, you just need space – to care for family, pursue a personal goal, or simply reclaim your time and energy. None of these priorities is more noble than the others. What matters is knowing which one matters most to you, right now. 


This is why getting curious about yourself is so essential. Without that self-awareness, you might find yourself chasing someone else's definition of success, pulling all the wrong levers, and wondering why you feel so disconnected. 


And while we're myth busting, let's tackle the one about passion. You've probably heard the lie: "When you find your passion, you'll just know. It'll come easy. Everything will fall into place." 

Sure, it could happen. Maybe for some, but not for everyone. 


In my experience, things worth doing usually don't feel easy right away. They feel clunky, frustrating, and full of false starts and second-guessing. You might even fail. But that doesn't mean it's not your passion. That might mean it is, and you just haven't yet developed the necessary skills to meet your vision. 


So, instead of asking, "Am I good at this?", try asking, "Do I care enough about this to get better at it?". Because if the answer is yes, then that's worth pursuing – not because it's easy, but because it's meaningful to you. 


We have to normalize not being good at things right away. We have to normalize being a beginner, stumbling through, getting it wrong, and trying again. That's how every expert got started. And you won't get to your best work by staying in the realm of what you already know. 


This is where the concept of 'still becoming' comes in. You're not finished. You're a work in progress – and that's a good thing. You don't need to have a perfectly packaged identity that fits into someone else's filing cabinet. There is no box where you belong forever. 


In fact, if people don't know where to file you, maybe that means you're on the right track. Maybe that means you're growing beyond the 'categories'. And that's brave. 


Because self-awareness – real, honest self-awareness – is messy. It requires courage. It requires humility. And, it almost always starts in those moments when you admit to yourself, "I don't know, yet". 


So, here's a question worth sitting with: "Who am I becoming – and who am I ready to stop being?". If that feels too big, no problem. Let's start with something a little bit smaller: "What feels slightly constraining right now, and what's starting to feel expansive?". 


Let those answers reveal themselves slowly. You don't need to solve your entire identity question in one session. But, when you start asking better questions, you'll start making more aligned decisions. That's the real work of self-awareness – not to force clarity, but to create the space where clarity can emerge. 


Remember, your best work might still be ahead of you – not behind, not stuck in that role you outgrew, or that old version of yourself you're continuing to perform to keep others comfortable. The real, raw, evolving you has more to say, more to explore, and more to become. 


So, stop looking for the perfect answer or the right label. Those are illusions. Instead, keep asking better questions. Keep tuning into your curiosity. Keep trying things that don't come easily. That's where the growth is. That's where you'll find more fulfillment. And that's how you'll get closer to the version of yourself you actually want to be.


But at this point, you may be wondering, how do I know the difference between growth and misalignment? For instance, when something feels uncomfortable or uncertain, is it a necessary stretch toward who you're becoming... or is it a red flag that you're betraying yourself to meet someone else's expectations? 


We often glorify discomfort as a sign of growth, and sometimes it is, but not all discomfort is productive. Some discomfort is your intuition waving a red flag because you're veering off-course. Other times, it's the resistance that comes with evolving into a version of yourself that feels unfamiliar but is, in fact, truer for you. 


The key, and the part that often gets missed, is using your self-awareness as the compass. Without it, you can't discern whether you're expanding into your potential or shrinking to fit someone else's expectations of you. That distinction makes all the difference in whether your career path feels fulfilling or soul-sucking.


Our identity is not a fixed label, but an evolving reflection of who we are becoming, shaped as much by curiosity, as by experience. By questioning outdated assumptions and leaning into uncertainty with self-awareness, we create space for more aligned, fulfilling career choices. 


You don't need all the answers right now, just the courage to keep asking better questions and holding onto that belief that your best work may still be ahead of you.


And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Becoming Who You’re Meant To Be at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and eighty-eight.


Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com. 


If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.  


Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.


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