174. The Words You Choose Are Powerful

The words we use shape how we see ourselves and what we believe is possible. By shifting from limiting phrases like ‘should’, ‘but’, or ‘can’t’ to empowering alternatives like ‘could’, ‘and’, and ‘even though’, we start to reclaim agency and reconnect with our intuition. Changing how we speak to ourselves helps us move forward with clarity, compassion, and confidence.

By letting go of limiting language and choosing words that empower us, we reclaim our voice and open the door to new opportunities.

Are you struggling to understand why your confidence keeps taking a hit, even though you’re doing all the right things? Are you stuck in a cycle of obligation and self-doubt, without realizing the language you use is reinforcing it? Are you ready to reclaim your voice and reshape how you speak to yourself so you can move forward with clarity and courage?

You’ll learn that the words we use every day—especially the subtle ones like ‘but’, ‘should’, and ‘because’—can either quietly undermine us or actively empower us. By becoming more intentional with our language, we can rebuild confidence, expand possibilities, and reframe the stories we tell ourselves.

WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER

• Why shifting your word choices is essential to reclaiming agency, especially in environments that diminish your voice and worth

• 5 practical tips to transform your inner dialogue using more empowering language patterns

• Why naming and reframing your past experiences with intention is key to healing, growth, and regaining your personal and professional power

  
  

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DOWNLOAD GUIDE TO CHOOSING YOUR WORDS MORE CAREFULLY

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TRANSCRIPT

Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and seventy-four. I'm your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

The words we choose matter far more than we realize. Language isn't just about communication – it shapes how we view ourselves, what we believe is possible, and how we respond to challenges. Every day, in small, often unconscious ways, the words we use either reinforce our confidence or quietly chip away at it. Specific words like 'should', 'can't', and 'but' might seem harmless, but they can subtly trap us in doubt, obligation, and hesitation. Over time, these patterns can stall our progress and make us question whether the future we want is even within our reach. 

In this episode, we explore the idea that by choosing more empowering words, we open ourselves to new options and reclaim the sense of agency that systemic barriers often try to strip away. While those barriers may take years to dismantle, the language we use is something we can change – and every shift we make, in the way we speak to ourselves and to others, builds momentum, helps us move forward with greater clarity, strength, and resilience. This is about learning to speak to ourselves in a way that keeps doors open rather than slamming them shut. Because the truth is, the future you want isn't completely out of reach – it starts with the next word you choose. 

Have you ever experienced that particular kind of frustration that tends to build up in the workplace – that feeling that something is wrong, that you're stuck or held back somehow, but you can't quite put your finger on why? Maybe you don't have the words for it yet. You just know that you're pushing hard, doing good work, and somehow it's not translating into the recognition, respect, or progress you deserve. And when you don't have the language to describe what's happening, not even to yourself, it's incredibly easy to internalize that frustration and start believing that you're the problem. 

Our subtle word choices shape how we see our possibilities – or shut them down. The language we use, both when speaking to ourselves and to others, acts like a filter for what we believe is possible. Word choices become even more critical in environments where our intuition, our voice, and our sense of worth have been repeatedly undermined. It's not just about sounding polished; it's about reclaiming our power. Language isn't just communication – it's how we rebuild our confidence, how we start seeing ourselves differently, how we create a new future for ourselves. 

Everyday words hold far more power than we often realize. The right words can open doors in your mind, helping you see more options and build momentum. The wrong words can quietly build barriers that hold you back. And often, it's the smallest, most casual words that carry the most weight. Words like 'but', 'can't', 'won't', 'don't', 'should', and 'because' seem harmless on the surface. We use them a lot because they become habits. But those habits shape our thinking, and over time, they shape our behavior, our confidence, and our careers. 

Take the word 'but', for example. It seems innocent, yet when we take the time to notice how often it shuts down a thought before it can take root, it's fascinating. For example, "I want to apply for that role, but I probably don't have the experience" or, "I liked the idea, but it might not be realistic". The word 'but' stops forward motion in its tracks. It tells your brain, "This thought isn't valid". It invites doubt and second-guessing. 

Try swapping out 'but' for 'and' – and see what happens. For example, "I want to apply for that role, and I'll find a way to strengthen my application", or, "I liked the idea, and I'll explore how it could work". Suddenly, there's space for complexity and possibility. The situation might still be complicated, but you haven't slammed the door before you even had a chance to try. 

The same thing happens with the word 'should'. 'Should' is a heavy word. It drips with obligation, guilt, and invisible expectations. For example, "I should feel more confident", or, "I should already know this", or, "I should work longer hours". Most of the time, when you peel back a 'should' statement, you'll find it's not even your own belief – it's something you've picked up from someone else's rules or expectations about what success looks like, what leadership sounds like, or what good employees are supposed to do. 

When you replace the word 'should' with 'could', you change the entire conversation you're having with yourself. For example, "I could speak up more in meetings", or, "I could learn a new skill and support my next promotion". Using the word 'could' invites you into possibility. It acknowledges that there are options. It hands you back your agency. When you think in terms of 'could', you start asking yourself what fits your life, your goals, and your values? It's no longer about someone else's checklist for how you're supposed to operate. It invites you to design your own career, your leadership style, and your definition of success on your own terms.

One simple, practical way to experience this shift is taking a moment, the next time you're facing a challenge, and write out a list of ten things you 'could' do. Not just the 'right' solution, not just the one your boss would expect, or what your industry typically rewards. Keep going until you get to ten things. Some of them might be wildly unrealistic. Some might sound ridiculous. Some might even feel a little rebellious. Good. The point isn't to find the one perfect answer; it's to get your brain used to the idea that there's not just one answer to a problem. 

Then, look at that list and notice which options feel appealing, which one sparks a little curiosity, excitement, or even just relief. Those are the ones you're more likely to actually follow through on. Because again, 'could' thinking reinforces your autonomy. It helps you build momentum based on choices and energy, not pressure and guilt. That's real power – realizing that you have many possibilities, and you get to choose which ones you pursue. 

This shift in language isn't just about better productivity or goal-setting, either. It's a much deeper form of healing, especially for women who've spent years, or decades, in environments that rewarded silence and compliance. In male-dominated workplaces, it's common to experience subtle forms of manipulation and gaslighting. You're told, in so many ways, that if something feels off, it's probably just in your head, that you're just too sensitive, that you're not being realistic, that you're imagining barriers that aren't really there. And yet, we know they are there because we have to face them every time we try to move forward. 

Let's not forget about the word 'because'. On the surface, it sounds like a word of explanation, but often, it becomes a word of excuse or self-sabotage. For example, "I can't take that opportunity because I've failed once before", or, "I won't speak up because I don't want to rock the boat". When we lean too heavily on 'because' to justify our inaction, we anchor ourselves in the past. We turn old fears into new barriers. 

Instead of using the word 'because' to chain yourself to old experiences, try softening your language. 'Even though' is a powerful alternative. For example, "Even though I failed before, I could succeed this time", or, "Even though speaking up feels uncomfortable, I believe what I have to say matters". The phrase 'even though' acknowledges past difficulty without letting it dictate your present or your future. 

Why does all of this matter so much? Because the words you choose shape how you see yourself, your possibilities, and your future. When you constantly flood your brain with words like 'but', 'can't', 'won't', and 'should', you create a world that feels small, constrained, and full of invisible landmines. You make it harder for yourself to imagine success, take risks, or pivot to take advantage of those opportunities when they arise.

Over time, this undermines your self-trust. It trains you to second-guess your instincts. And without language to describe what's happening – without a way to name and frame the experiences – you stay stuck longer. You take on smaller roles. You stay behind the scenes, supporting the ideas and agendas of others, while quietly diminishing your own ambitions. 

Language is the first step out of that trap. Healing begins when you start to put words to what you've lived through. Identifying what happened, naming it, talking about it, reframing it, not to stay stuck in grievance, but to acknowledge your reality, validate your experience, and begin to move forward. 

And, there is a real sense of shame that no one wants to talk about. It thrives in the silence. It feeds those feelings that we don't belong and that we can't cope in this kind of environment. 

Without language, it's too easy to internalize blame for everything that has gone wrong. It's too easy to believe that you're not meant for more, or that your ambition was foolish. But the moment you start changing your words, you start reclaiming your potential. You see new possibilities because you're finally framing the story differently, not as someone who couldn't hack it, but as someone who was surviving in a system that might be working against you – and who's now ready to lead herself somewhere better.

Still, it's important to recognize the problems and pitfalls that can arise if we aren't deliberate with our language. Limiting words are often a quiet, constant background hum you barely notice – until it has completely shaped your reality. 

When you constantly use limiting language like, "I can't", "I won't", "I never get it right", or, "I'm not good enough", you're reinforcing doubts about your own capabilities, without even realizing it. That language strengthens beliefs that keeps you from pursuing new opportunities or advocating for yourself. It's a death by a thousand cuts, and it adds up over time. 

Speaking hesitantly at work by peppering your speech with words like, 'just', 'maybe', 'I think', or 'I'm not sure' can also damage how others perceive you. Even when your ideas are strong, if your delivery sounds tentative or apologetic, people may unconsciously discount your contributions. In environments where women already have to work harder to be taken seriously, hesitant language can be a silent credibility killer.

And then, there's the emotional cost. The word 'should' traps you in a cycle of obligation-driven choices. You pursue paths not because they inspire you, but because you feel you have to. That leads to anger, resentment, frustration, and feeling completely disconnected from your own ambitions. It's hard to stay energized and engaged when every step feels like checking off a box on a checklist you never chose in the first place.

When you explain away your actions with the word 'because', for example, "I didn't apply for that position because I knew I probably wouldn't get it", or, "I didn't speak up because I didn't want to upset anyone", you're tethering yourself emotionally to past fears and imagined failures. The word 'because' keeps you anchored to old pain instead of giving you the freedom to test new waters. 

Words like 'can't', 'won't', 'never', and 'always' are another trap. They exaggerate problems, turning manageable challenges into sweeping generalizations about your capability. For example, "I never speak well in meetings", or, "I always mess up big opportunities". These statements harden into identity if you let them, which then makes it harder to even try again. 

Perhaps the biggest danger, though, is that if you're not intentional about your language, you allow others to define your reality for you. You make it easier for others to gaslight you, minimize you, or mold you into a version of yourself that feels small and powerless. Internalizing the wrong words not only holds you back professionally; it slows your healing and keeps you from accessing your true potential and resilience. 

When you deliberately choose empowering words, you open your mind to new options. You recognize that there's almost always more than one way to move forward. You build resilience because you're no longer basing your confidence on perfection or rigid rules. You give yourself permission to be curious, to learn, to grow – and, most importantly, to try new things and experiment.

This isn't just positive thinking in the shallow, buzzword sense. It's about being intentional with your internal operating system. It's about noticing when your language is closing doors prematurely, that you might consider opening and exploring. It's about giving yourself the tools to navigate workplaces where your effort, intuition, and intelligence might not always be recognized right away, but where you can still create your own upward career trajectory. 

The words you choose actually create the emotional, mental, and career environment you live in every single day. They're the framework that shapes how you interpret your experiences, how you view yourself, and how you decide what's possible for you. 

One of the most practical ways to start is by replacing the word 'but' with the word 'and'. It sounds almost too simple to make a difference, but that's what makes it so powerful. 

• 'But' cuts off momentum. It tells your brain, "Stop right here". It invites hesitation, conflict, and a sense of defeat, before you even take the next step.

• While 'and', on the other hand, acknowledges complexity while keeping you open to forward movement. You can say, "I'm tired and I'm still going to finish this project", rather than, "I'm tired, but I have to finish". 

One closes you down; the other keeps you in motion. Notice the difference? 

Similarly, swapping the word 'should' for the word 'could' changes the energy in how you approach your choices. 

• 'Should' is about guilt, obligation, and invisible rules you didn't write but feel pressured to obey.

• 'Could' is about options, agency, and power. It reminds you that you always have a choice – and that you are allowed to build your career, your leadership style, and your success story in a way that fits you, not just accept what someone else handed you. 

And, here's something that makes a huge difference: naming your experiences is one of the most important steps toward healing from them. You don't have to find the perfect words. You don't always have to sound polished or professional. It's enough to start saying to yourself, "This wasn't right", or, "This didn't sit well with me", or, "I was undervalued", or, "I was overlooked". Owning your experiences, even when they're messy and painful, is how you stop carrying them around like invisible weights. Language gives your pain a shape – and once it has a shape, you can start working with it, instead of being silently crushed by it.

It's important to remember that, most likely, you've already been through hard things. You might still be going through them. Life and careers, especially in challenging, competitive environments, are rarely neat and tidy. But you're here – despite the times you were silenced, dismissed, underestimated, or made to question your worth – you're still standing. That spark inside you, that one that wants more, that dares to believe you deserve more, is still alive. No one could fully extinguish it, no matter how much they tried. It's still yours. 

Every word you choose, from here on in, is a step toward reclaiming your power and choosing the future you want, instead of the one someone else would prefer you settle for. Every time you pick words that open those doors instead of closing them – that heal rather than wound – you get a little stronger, a little braver, and a little more in tune with who you really are and what you're really capable of.

So, let's recap five of the ways to put this work into action: 

1. Replace 'but' with 'and': This simple shift helps you acknowledge difficulties, without shutting yourself down. It keeps you connected to possibility, even when things are messy or complicated. 

2. Trade 'should' for 'could': This swap reclaims your power, reminding you that you're the one making the choices, not some external standard you have to measure up against.

3. Speak in terms of options and opportunities: Use phrases like 'I could' or 'I'm choosing to', rather than focusing on obligations or excuses. This keeps your attention on what you can control and keeps resentment and guilt from setting the tone of your decisions. 

4. Notice your language without judgment: Don't criticize yourself for catching a 'but' or a 'should'. Just notice it. Awareness alone starts loosening the old patterns and opening the door to change.

5. Reframe your past experiences with 'even though' language: Instead of letting old failures define you, use language that acknowledges them, without letting them have the final word. For example, "Even though it was hard, I'm still capable", or, "Even though it hurt, I learned something valuable". 

The path ahead isn't about perfection. It's not about having all the answers or never slipping up. It's about intentionally and courageously choosing the words that build you up, rather than tear you down. It's about remembering that even when the world around you tries to diminish your spark, you have the power to protect it and let it burn more brightly. 

So, the next time you're facing a decision, brainstorm a wide range of options that 'could' be possible. Get comfortable with abundance rather than scarcity. You're not looking for the one right answer, you're gathering possibilities. Then, trust your gut to follow the option that feels energizing, not the one that feels like an obligation.

If you've been in this industry for more than just a little while, you've already survived so much. I will bet you've already proven your strength a thousand times over. Now it's time to build the next chapter differently – not from fear, guilt, or obligation, but from a place of real ownership by reclaiming your power. 

So, treat language as a healing tool. The more you choose words of agency, compassion, and curiosity, the more you rebuild your intuition, confidence, and authentic voice. And over time, that voice becomes something nobody can take away from you. 

As I've said, the words we choose shape the way we see ourselves, our possibilities, and our future. By letting go of limiting language and choosing words that empower us, we reclaim our voice and open the door to new possibilities. Every word we speak with intention becomes a step forward, a reminder that we are capable of building the future we deserve.

You don't have to wait for anyone's permission. You don't have to be flawless from the start. You just have to recognize that the words you choose are powerful, so use them wisely. 

I invite you to try making just one small change in the words you choose this week. Notice how it feels. Notice how the story you're telling yourself changes. Notice how it becomes easier – even in small ways – to imagine paths forward that you might have missed before.

When you start choosing your words more carefully, more compassionately, and more boldly, you're not just communicating differently, you're living differently. 

And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Choosing Your Words More Carefully at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and seventy-four.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen, and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com. 

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.  

Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.