187. Are You The Victim or The Villain?
- cindyesliger
- Oct 9
- 14 min read
There are times when we all fall into the roles of Victim, Villain, or Rescuer without realizing the hidden payoffs that keep us stuck. By becoming more aware of which role we’re playing and what it’s costing us, we can begin to make different choices that build trust, reduce drama, and strengthen our relationships. As we step out of these cycles, we reclaim our agency, integrity, and the power to change the story.
Self-awareness is the first step out of the drama. The real power lies in recognizing when you’re slipping into one of these roles—because you will. We all do.
Are you slipping into the role of Victim, Villain, or Rescuer at work without even realizing it? Are you frustrated by repeated workplace drama that leaves you feeling drained, powerless, or misunderstood? Are you ready to step out of these patterns and build healthier, more productive relationships?
You’ll learn that breaking free from the workplace drama triangle starts with self-awareness, understanding the hidden payoffs of each role, and making conscious choices that rebuild trust, agency, and peace in your career.
WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER
Why recognizing when you’re playing the Victim, Villain, or Rescuer is crucial for stopping the self-sabotage and reclaiming your power
3 practical tips to help you step out of the drama
Why choosing curiosity, accountability, and direct communication over blame and control can create long-term trust and integrity in your workplace
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TRANSCRIPT
Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and eighty-seven. I'm your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way.
I'm sure we've all had our share of workplace drama – both the loud, messy kind with slammed doors and whispered gossip in the break room, and also the kind that seems to fly under the radar. That's the kind that quietly chips away at trust, professional relationships, and your own self-confidence. Because whether we like to admit it or not, many of us are contributing to this workplace drama by playing the Victim or the Villain, or perhaps you're more of a Rescuer. Sometimes we stick to one of these roles, but I would bet there are times when we bounce between all three without realizing that these patterns can sabotage everything we're working so hard to build in our careers.
In this episode, we unpack these patterns because until you see it for what it is, it's easy to assume that this is something other people do. You know, the person in the next cubicle who constantly complains but never changes a thing. Or the boss who micromanages everyone to the brink of madness. Or that one teammate who is always jumping in to fix things that no one asked them to touch. But, here's the uncomfortable truth: we all fall into these roles at some point, and we're usually doing it for a reason.
But, let's not get ahead of ourselves. First, let's break down what these roles actually are and how they show up.
The Victim
The Victim is the one who feels overlooked, helpless, or stuck – and often acts like it. They might be the most capable person on the team, but when something goes wrong, their go-to move is to throw up their hands in exasperation and say things like, "What's the point? It doesn't matter what I do, no one listens anyway". Sound familiar?
This person isn't just having a bad day – they're living in a mindset that seeks validation over resolution. Instead of addressing the issue directly, they tell others about how unfair everything is, hoping someone will acknowledge their pain and confirm that they've been wronged. And who could blame them? It is exhausting to feel like you're pushing a boulder uphill every day, but embracing this role allows you to stay stuck.
If the situation is hopeless and the people around you are the problem, then you're off the hook for actually doing anything about it. Seems a little too convenient, doesn't it?
The Villain
Next comes the Villain. This is the role where you think you're the only one who really gets what needs to be done. You don't have time for other people's feelings or inefficiencies, so you just take over, criticize, or control because you think that's the fastest path to get results. And maybe it is, at least in the short term.
The Villain often sees others as the source of the problem. They'll say things like, "If they just did their job, I wouldn't have to step in", or "I'm not being mean – I'm being efficient". And to be fair, they often do get stuff done. But at what cost?
Beware, because this role erodes trust fast. People stop speaking up and they avoid you. They start second-guessing themselves and making more mistakes. You might get the outcome you want in the moment, but long-term, you lose something more valuable: the respect and trust of your team.
The Rescuer
And then there's the Rescuer. This role can be sneaky because it looks helpful. This person jumps in to mediate conflicts, offer support, and tends to try to save the day. They pride themselves on being the dependable one – the one everyone turns to in a crisis. But beneath the surface, rescuing is a form of control.
The Rescuer reinforces the Victim's helplessness and paints the Villain as irredeemable. They say things like, "I can't believe they treated you like that – you don't deserve this", or "Let me handle it for you". It feels like empathy, but it keeps everyone locked in their roles.
And for the Rescuer, it offers a tidy payoff because they get to feel needed, stay busy, and – more importantly – avoid their own messy problems while focusing on everyone else's.
The beauty – and the dysfunction – of this trio is how well it becomes self-reinforcing. Victims need Villains to blame. Villains justify their behavior because they decide Victims can't handle it. Rescuers validate the Victim while undermining the Villain, all while avoiding their own issues. It's like a bad soap opera where everyone thinks they're the hero of the story.
And unfortunately, none of these roles build trusting relationships. And participating in this drama doesn't lead to real solutions.
If this is starting to hit a little too close to home, that's not a bad thing. Self-awareness is the first step out of this drama. The real power lies in recognizing when you're slipping into one of these roles – because you will. We all do.
You might start your day as the Victim after a rough performance review, turn into the Rescuer by lunchtime when a coworker vents about their manager, and finish the day as the Villain when you fire off a blunt email because no one followed the new process, again. All in a day's work, right?
It's not about shame or blame. It's about asking yourself: Which role am I unconsciously playing right now, and how is it keeping me stuck?
Maybe being the Victim lets you avoid hard conversations. Maybe being the Villain makes you feel powerful when you're actually feeling anxious. Maybe being the Rescuer helps you feel useful when you're afraid your own work isn't enough. There's always a payoff, or we wouldn't keep doing it.
This is one of those things where once you start seeing the pattern, you spot it everywhere. That project team where one person constantly complains, another shuts everyone down, and a third keeps smoothing it all over without actually fixing anything? That's this drama triangle in action.
But once you do see it, you can start choosing differently.
You can be the one who breaks the cycle – not by calling people out, but by consciously stepping out of the role (or roles) that you've been playing. It takes more courage to stay curious than to stay angry. It takes more skill to have an honest conversation than to gather allies in the break room. It takes more leadership to recognize how you might be contributing to the issue than to double down on why you're right.
If you're feeling stuck, overlooked, or defeated, ask yourself whether you're playing the Victim. If you're shutting people down, or assuming everyone else is incompetent, you might be in Villain mode. And if you're jumping in someone else's mess to 'help' instead of handling your own issues, you might be the Rescuer.
The key isn't to be perfect – it's to be honest. Because, if playing these roles didn't work for us on some level, we wouldn't keep doing it.
Sure, they might be dysfunctional, but they're also effective – at least temporarily. Each role gives us something, whether it's a bit of comfort, a dash of control, or a momentary sense of purpose. We don't consciously sign up for these parts in the drama triangle, but once we've settled in, it's hard to opt-out, because all these roles do come with perks.
It's time we recognize that we're getting something out of it, even if we don't want to admit it.
Let's start with the Victim. It's tempting to adopt the 'poor me' attitude, and maybe that's exactly the point. When you play the Victim, you gain sympathy. You're seen as the one who's been wronged. You don't have to take risks, make tough decisions, or face rejection – because you're not the one in control here. The narrative becomes, "I'd do something about this if I could... but since I can't, here's where we're at".
That's a powerful position to be in, even if it looks powerless on the surface. You can stay in your comfort zone, avoid failure, and still come across as good, virtuous, and hardworking – just tragically underappreciated. And when others affirm your experience, it reinforces the belief that the situation is beyond your control. Because it's not you, it's them.
Now for the Villain – this one's trickier to admit. You may not feel like the Villain. You probably think of yourself as the realist, the one who has to get things done while everyone else is being difficult or dramatic. But when you're playing this role, what you get is power, or at least the illusion of it. You feel justified in criticizing or controlling others because, well, they're in the wrong. And that short-term satisfaction of 'putting someone in their place' or 'getting things back on track' can feel very affirming.
That sense of superiority can be addictive, but it leaves a trail of distrust and resentment in your wake. You may feel powerful in the moment, but you're also pushing people away, losing influence, and reinforcing the idea that you're unapproachable or even part of the problem.
And then there's the Rescuer – the helper, the fixer, the one who swoops in to comfort, support, and save the day. On the surface, this looks like empathy in action. But dig a little deeper and what you'll find is avoidance dressed up as altruism. You get to feel needed. You get to look like the hero. And best of all, you don't have to deal with your own problems, because you're just so busy helping everyone else.
It's easy to confuse this role with being a good teammate or friend, but the truth is that rescuing keeps everyone stuck. You reinforce the Victim's helplessness and the Villain's vilification while holding your own identity as the fixer. You feel indispensable – but at what cost?
Once you see the pattern, it's time to ask yourself the hard question: What's the price you're paying for the hidden payoff?
For the Victim, it might be your agency and career momentum. You get to stay comfortable, but you also stay stuck.
For the Villain, it might be your reputation and relationships. You get to feel in control, but you lose the trust of the very people you need to succeed.
For the Rescuer, it might be your own growth and emotional clarity. You get to feel important, but you're not addressing your own needs, and you're enabling others to avoid theirs.
So, how do you know when you're slipping into one of these roles? Start by asking yourself a few revealing questions:
Am I avoiding a direct conversation? If you're venting to others instead of speaking to the person involved, that's a sign you may be in Victim or Rescuer mode. Venting may have its place, but if that's all you're doing, nothing changes.
Do I feel like I'm the only one doing things right? That mindset might feel righteous, but it's also a clue that you're not seeing the full picture, because no one's right all the time, not even you.
Am I seeking validation from others instead of a solution? This is a big one. If you're more focused on being told you're right than on making things better, you're probably playing the Victim and probably inviting a Rescuer to cheer you on.
Here are a few more warning signs that you're caught up in this drama:
You're replaying conversations in your head, assigning blame, and justifying your actions.
You're complaining about someone to a third party who can't actually fix the situation.
You're feeling a little smug that you haven't messed things up the way they have.
You're offering to 'help' when no one asked you to, secretly hoping for some recognition (or to feel some sense of control).
Once you start paying attention, these patterns become easier to recognize – and interrupt.
One of the most toxic things that can happen in workplace dynamics is when someone becomes the permanent Villain in everyone's story. This person may have made a mistake or simply rubbed someone the wrong way, and suddenly they're cast as the ongoing problem. Everything they do is filtered through that lens. Every misstep becomes proof that they are the Villain.
It's comforting, in a way, to have a bad guy to blame when things go wrong. But making someone else the perpetual antagonist keeps you from examining your role in the situation. It turns complex workplace challenges into oversimplified narratives of good versus evil – and that's not just unhelpful, it can be dangerous.
Because when we decide that someone is 'the problem', we stop giving them the benefit of the doubt. We stop having conversations and start building cases. That's not leadership. That sabotages what's left of team culture, of trust, and of your own integrity.
And what you might not have realized is that from their perspective, you could be the Villain.
Just remember that you can step out of these roles at any time. You don't need anyone's permission. You just need awareness – and the willingness to choose something different. That something different will undoubtedly be more productive and more powerful in the long run than this temporary hit of control, sympathy, or significance.
It starts with pausing and noticing: Which role am I in right now? Then, asking yourself what you're really looking for, whether it's validation or resolution? Control or connection? Or maybe importance or integrity?
This is about being conscious of the power dynamics at play and your part in them. The only way to break the cycle for good is to stop playing your role. You can opt-out. You can choose curiosity over blame, directness over avoidance, and accountability over control. You have the power to build something better.
Now that we have an understanding of the drama triangle and we've uncovered the hidden payoffs of playing the Victim, Villain or Rescuer, the next logical question is: How do I get out of this pattern? How do we stop these self-sabotaging roles from quietly wrecking our work lives?
As I've said many times, you can't control what everyone else does – but you can stop playing your part. And sometimes, that's all it takes to change the entire dynamic.
Breaking free from the drama triangle starts with choosing a different path – one that's rooted in self-awareness, personal responsibility, and actual growth. It's about being honest with yourself and brave enough to act differently than you have in the past.
If you've recognized yourself in the Victim mode (and if we're honest, we all land there sometimes), the way out starts by recognizing the emotional patterns that keep pulling you back in. That familiar sense of powerlessness? That urge to vent instead of act? That craving for someone else to say, "You're right – they are terrible!". Those are all signs you're looking for vindication, not resolution.
So, pause and ask yourself, What do I actually want here? Do I want to feel seen and supported, or am I more invested in proving how wronged I've been? If the goal is progress – not just commiseration – then it's time to take a courageous step forward toward direct communication. That might look like setting a meeting to talk things through instead of stewing in resentment.
When you stop outsourcing your power and start speaking for yourself, you're no longer the Victim. You become an advocate – for yourself, your ideas, and your professional growth. You begin to reclaim your voice and your agency. That's a far more powerful place to operate from than helplessness, even if it feels scary at first.
Now, let's say you've noticed yourself showing up as the Villain. Maybe you've been quick to criticize, or defaulted to control when trust felt risky. Maybe you've told yourself it's just about high standards or efficiency, but now you're realizing that those 'standards' might be pushing people away. The first step here is reflection. Ask yourself: What was my part in this? What assumptions did I make?
You don't have to take responsibility for everything, but you do need to take responsibility for your part.
Acknowledge the harm, even if it was unintentional. If someone experienced your actions as dismissive, disrespectful, or punishing, that's worth owning. Not to beat yourself up, but to open the door to curiosity and feedback. And most importantly, be willing to listen. That's how you begin to transform from Villain into leader. Leaders don't shame or control to get results. They foster trust, inspire others, and do what they can to earn the kind of influence that actually lasts.
And, if you're the Rescuer – the reliable fixer who can't help but jump in every time someone's in distress – it's time to ask yourself: What am I avoiding in my own life by getting involved in everyone else's issues?
Because yes, you might be being helpful. Yes, your heart might be in the right place. But when your helping keeps others from learning to help themselves – and keeps you from dealing with your own stuff – that's not kindness. That's control disguised as concern.
So, what's the alternative?
Stop enabling and start empowering. Instead of validating someone's Victim mentality by agreeing how awful their situation is, try asking, "What would help you feel more in control right now?". Instead of jumping in to fix it for them, ask, "What's one step you could take to move this forward?".
Shift from being the savior to being a coach – someone who holds space, encourages growth, and reminds others of their own strength. And while you're at it, make sure you're addressing your own issues. Stay in your own lane. You have your own problems to solve, and that will keep you busy.
You may hit a point where you finally realize that the cost of staying in the drama, of trying to 'fix it' one more time, outweighs the comfort of the familiar dynamic. That's when you know you've hit a tipping point.
Most people don't realize that it only takes one person to shift a dynamic, and that person could be you.
Owning your role creates space for healthier relationships, not just with others, but with yourself. You stop needing to prove you're good enough or right or indispensable. You start making choices that are aligned with your values, not your fear.
And no, there's no shame in realizing you've played one of these roles. We've all done it. It's called being human. The goal isn't to beat yourself up – the goal is to become someone who notices, reflects, and then chooses differently.
From now on, pay attention to the roles you might be slipping into, the ones that feel automatic. Ask yourself: What's the secondary benefit I'm getting here? Is it validation? Control? A reason to avoid the hard stuff?
With this self-awareness, you can interrupt the cycle and start showing up in a way that's clear, calm, and grounded.
And, here's what you'll notice when you finally do step out of the drama triangle:
You'll feel less stress.
You'll build more trust with the people around you.
You'll experience way more peace – the kind that comes from knowing you're not at the mercy of old patterns anymore.
That's the real reward. That's the long-term win.
So, the next time you feel the urge to complain, control, or save the day, pause and ask yourself which role you're playing – and whether it's actually serving you.
Then, make a different choice, because you can. And once you do, you won't just change the role you're playing, you'll change the entire story.
And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Stop Playing The Victim, Villain, Or Rescuer At Work at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and eighty-seven.
Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.
Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.
