175. So Easy To Repeat The Negative

It’s far too easy for us to repeat negative patterns when we’ve been conditioned to expect disappointment and invisibility in our workplaces. Our brains go into survival mode, scanning for what’s going wrong, which gradually limits what we believe is possible for ourselves. When we begin to gently challenge these internal narratives, even in small ways, we reclaim agency and allow ourselves to build something different.

When you spend years—or even decades—working hard and seeing your contributions go unnoticed, overlooked, or minimized, your brain learns a painful but simple lesson: expecting disappointment feels safer than risking hope.

Are you constantly bracing for disappointment even when things seem okay on the surface? Are you struggling to believe your hard work could actually lead to something better? Are you stuck in cycles of overthinking and talking yourself out of opportunities before you even try?

You’ll learn that the negativity loop we fall into isn’t a personal flaw—it’s a protective response to systems that aren’t built for us. By gently challenging those thought patterns, we can begin to rewrite the story we tell ourselves and open up new possibilities for our careers.

WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER

• Why noticing and disrupting our automatic negativity is crucial to reclaiming agency and opening the door to better outcomes

• 3 practical tips to shift your mindset

• Why perfectionism, comparison, and glorifying struggle are silent traps that keep us from taking the kind of action that leads to momentum

  
  

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DOWNLOAD GUIDE TO BREAKING FREE FROM THE NEGATIVITY LOOP

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TRANSCRIPT

Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and seventy-five. I'm your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

It's surprising how easy it is to slip into the habit of repeating negativity. When you're constantly navigating environments where your contributions are overlooked or undervalued, your brain naturally starts scanning for what's going wrong – not out of pessimism, but as a survival strategy. Over time, this focus on the negative stops feeling like a choice and starts feeling like the truth. The more we collect evidence that our hard work isn't enough, the harder it becomes to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt or believe that something better might be possible. Instead, we brace for disappointment, expecting the worst, to shield ourselves from future hurt. But, while this instinct is understandable, it's not inevitable. 

In this episode, we learn to recognize how automatic negativity can become. But, when we start challenging those ingrained patterns – when we allow ourselves to entertain new possibilities instead of assuming they're out of reach – we quietly, but powerfully, shift the trajectory of our careers. Breaking free from self-limiting narratives doesn't require big, bold steps; it requires steady, deliberate changes in how we think, speak to ourselves, and approach our goals. And, little by little, that shift creates the momentum we need to build a career that reflects not just what we've endured, but what we're truly capable of achieving. 

Advancement is already hard enough without the extra burden we place on ourselves by constantly focusing on what's going wrong. But, for many of us, negativity isn't something we consciously choose – it's a survival strategy that, over time, quietly becomes our default way of thinking. And, while it may have once served a protective purpose, it ends up working against us, keeping us stuck in self-doubt and limiting our ability to see what might actually be possible for us. 

The first step in breaking this pattern is acknowledging how natural it feels to focus on the negative. It's not because we're pessimists by nature or because we're looking for reasons to feel bad about ourselves. It's because our brains are wired for survival first, success second. From an evolutionary standpoint, spotting threats early was key to staying alive. So, it makes perfect sense that in a workplace environment where bias, inequality, or outright discrimination are still very real obstacles, our brains stay on high alert. We scan constantly for signs that we're being overlooked, undervalued, or sidelined. And, because the system rarely rewards solely based on merit, we often find the evidence we're looking for.

Negativity can easily become automatic because it's reinforced so often. When you spend years – or even decades – working hard and seeing your contributions go unnoticed, overlooked, or minimized, your brain learns a painful, but simple, lesson: expecting disappointment feels safer than risking hope. Eventually, the negativity stops being a conscious self-protection mechanism and starts feeling like reality. And, unfortunately, there's always proof if you go looking for it. Bias, double standards, and even misplaced benevolence – they're all out there, easily spotted, without ever having to look very far. 

Self-doubt can start to feel like the responsible, reasonable stance to take. It feels safer to expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised, than to expect better and risk disappointment when what you were promised doesn't materialize, yet again. Giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt – believing that we could succeed, that our hard work could be recognized, that we are worthy of opportunity –  requires a level of vulnerability that doesn't come easily when you've been burned before. Hope is a risk. Belief is a risk. And, when you're operating in an organization where everything seems stacked against you, that kind of risk can almost feel reckless. 

When we fall into a trap of dwelling in negativity, it doesn't just weigh on us emotionally, it actively reshapes the course of our career in ways we often don't realize until much later. One of the biggest pitfalls is all those missed opportunities. When negativity becomes our default setting, it's easy to assume that things won't work out before we even try. We hold ourselves back without even giving ourselves a real shot. Instead of throwing our hat in the ring, we second-guess, overthink, and talk ourselves out of possibilities that could have changed everything. In this way, we unintentionally close doors that might have been wide open if we had simply dared to walk through them.

Another, less obvious but equally damaging, effect is the gradual loss of agency. When we stay stuck in negative thinking, we often start waiting for someone else to notice us, validate us, or hand us an opportunity on a silver platter. It's subtle, but it creeps in: the belief that unless someone else confirms our worth, our efforts don't matter. 

Over time, this passive waiting drains us of the sense of power we need to advocate for ourselves and take strategic risks. Instead of taking initiative, we hesitate, hoping that hard work alone will be enough for someone else to finally see us and reward us. And, unfortunately, in environments where recognition isn't automatic, waiting for validation is a risky strategy. 

Every time we default to negativity, we're not just reacting in the moment – we're reinforcing old limiting beliefs. We're deepening the neural grooves in our brain that tell us that hope is foolish and that change isn't possible. It gets harder and harder to imagine a different reality for ourselves because we've trained our minds to expect the worst. Instead of building the mental flexibility we need to adapt, grow, and pivot toward new possibilities, we're locking ourselves into a narrow, self-defeating narrative. 

On top of all of that, constant pessimism is emotionally exhausting. Hope and optimism require energy, yes, but so does bracing yourself for disappointment at every turn. It's a heavy emotional load to carry, always expecting rejection, failure, or injustice. And, that weight doesn't just affect our mood; it slowly chips away at our creativity, resilience, and motivation. Burnout isn't always about being too busy – a big contributor is feeling hopeless and powerless. 

The real tragedy is that holding onto negativity ends up reinforcing the very status quo we claim to despise. Instead of finding ways to subtly disrupt the system, we spend all our energy surviving it. Negativity convinces us that nothing we will do will make a difference, so we stop trying – and the system remains unchanged. Worse, comparing ourselves to others who had different advantages or easier paths only deepens the feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness. We start believing that if it hasn't happened for us yet, it probably never will. That distorted thinking drains the fight right out of us before the real battle even begins.

Another hidden danger is romanticizing the struggle. There's a pervasive, toxic idea that the only success worth having is the one that comes through unimaginable suffering. If we're not exhausted, burned out, or hardened by adversity, it must mean we didn't earn it. This mindset is poison. It dismisses small wins, incremental progress, and the quiet victories that are just as valuable – if not more so – than dramatic, martyrdom-style success stories.

Recognizing all these pitfalls isn't about beating ourselves up. It's about seeing clearly how negativity actively holds us back – and choosing deliberately to start shifting the pattern. We don't have to overhaul our entire mindset overnight. 

We can start with small experiments in optimism. In low-stakes situations, where the risk feels manageable, we can practice asking ourselves

• What if this worked out? 

• What if this meeting went well? 

• What if they said yes?

By gently challenging the assumption that things will go badly, we start retraining our minds to hold space for different outcomes. It's not about blind positivity; it's about making hope one of the options we consider. 

Another powerful strategy is to normalize positive self-talk, even if it feels awkward and ridiculous at first. Say the encouraging things you would say to a close friend, out loud, to yourself. The goal isn't to magically believe it all immediately; the goal is to get comfortable hearing your own encouragement, instead of only hearing your fears. Repetition matters. The more we practice speaking kindly and optimistically to ourselves, the more natural it becomes. 

We haven't been conditioned to prioritize self-belief over self-protection. We've been taught, explicitly or implicitly, to toughen up, expect less, keep our heads down, and not ask for too much. As a result, daring to say something like, "I deserve this opportunity" or "I am capable of achieving this goal" can feel almost silly or even arrogant – especially when those around you aren't exactly cheering you on.

It's also far easier to find examples of failure, injustice, or systemic bias than it is to find clear examples of breakthroughs. Every meeting where an idea is dismissed, or better yet, stolen, every project where credit is misattributed, every promotion that goes to someone less qualified can feel like it just reinforces that mindset of "this is just how it is". And, if we internalize these messages long enough, we start believing that daring to want something better is naive at best, and dangerous at worst. It starts to seem unrealistic to expect that our hard work, creativity, and perseverance could possibly shift the landscape in our favor. 

But, here's the thing: understanding why negativity feels so automatic is key if we want to change it. We can't change a thought pattern that's rooted in survival instincts, and reinforced by years of experience, without first acknowledging it for what it is. It's not weakness or a lack of willpower. It's become the default simply through repetition, and we can consciously decide to think differently – with practice and a little bit of patience. 

Shifting out of negativity doesn't mean pretending the challenges don't exist. It doesn't mean gaslighting ourselves into false positivity. It means deliberately choosing not to let the challenges become the only story we tell ourselves. It means giving ourselves permission to believe that new outcomes are possible – not guaranteed, but possible – and choosing to work toward them anyway.

Instead of focusing solely on all the ways the system is broken, we can also start collecting evidence of when things do go right: when our ideas are heard, when our work is recognized, and when an opportunity presents itself and we are able to seize it and make the most of it. These moments might feel rare at first, but they are there. And noticing them retrains our brains to recognize that there is opportunity alongside risk.

We can also reframe the way we see ourselves in these environments. Rather than viewing ourselves as powerless against systemic barriers, we can see ourselves as quiet architects of change. Every time we refuse to internalize the message that we're not good enough, every time we advocate for ourselves, and every time we plant a seed of possibility – whether that's through a small ask, a project win, or mentoring another woman coming up behind us – we are slowly, quietly laying the groundwork for something bigger and better.

It doesn't have to start with sweeping changes. It can start small – tiny shifts in how we talk to ourselves, small experiments in believing a little more in our own possibilities. It can start with daring to believe that we could be the exception, that things could be different for us, even if they haven't been for those who came before. It can start with breaking down our goals into small enough steps that the powers that be can't reasonably say no – building momentum before anyone even realizes what's happening.

Even when we recognize how negativity can hold us back, shifting our mindset isn't as simple as flipping a switch. One of the biggest traps to watch out for is perfectionism disguised as caution. It's easy to convince ourselves that we're just being prudent and careful in deciding whether to take action. But the truth is, if we're waiting until we feel completely ready, we'll be waiting forever. Growth feels messy, clumsy, and almost never feels like certainty. Good enough is more than enough to get started – and action builds clarity and confidence far faster than overthinking ever will. 

Another pitfall that sneaks up on us is internalized comparison. Especially when recognition is scarce, it's natural to look around and measure our progress against everyone else's. But, what we sometimes don't realize is that many of the people we're comparing ourselves to were playing a completely different game, with different starting lines, different resources, and different expectations.

Progress isn't a single race with a shared finish line. When we measure our success by someone else's timeline or standards, we set ourselves up to feel behind before we've even begun. What matters most is whether we're moving toward our own vision, not just how we stack up against someone else's highlight reel. 

We also have to be wary of toxic resilience culture – the glorification of suffering for suffering's sake. There's a fine line between enduring adversity because it's part of the process and wearing struggle as a badge of honor. Pushing through challenges is often necessary, but growth doesn't require pain to be valid. Success doesn't always have to be hard won through sheer grit. Sometimes, success comes from working smarter, seeking help, finding leverage, and knowing when to step away from battles that aren't worth fighting. If we're not careful, we start believing that unless we're struggling, we're not doing it right – and that's a mindset that is more likely to lead to burnout than fulfillment. 

So, how do we make it easier to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt, especially when our environment might not offer much encouragement? It starts by anchoring ourselves to possibility instead of assuming that because no one else has made it work, we can't either, we choose to believe that we could be the exception. Maybe no one else has carved the path we want to walk, but that doesn't mean it can't be done. Every breakthrough happens because someone refuses to believe that existing limits are the final word. 

A key strategy that isn't talked about nearly enough is the idea of leveraging what's worked for others, without replicating their exact path. We often look at success stories and think we have to follow the same blueprint. But, replication isn't always the best move, especially if the context, timing, or circumstances are different. Instead, we can study what worked, understand the principles behind it, and adapt it to fit our own journey. This way, we're not recreating someone else's struggle or success – we're building something uniquely suited to who we are and what we need. 

Accepting the discomfort of hope is also crucial. Hope feels vulnerable because it requires us to admit that we care deeply about something – and that means it can hurt if it doesn't work out. The willingness to hope, even when we know the odds, even when we know disappointment is possible, is an act of incredible courage. But, that's not weakness; that's strength. It's easier to pretend we don't care, to be cynical, and to expect nothing. But, choosing to hope is choosing to invest in ourselves and our dreams, despite the risk. It's a defiant kind of optimism that says that you're betting on yourself. 

If there's one thing to remember through all of this, it's that falling into negativity is completely normal. We've been conditioned for it, but that doesn't mean we have to stay there. Changing the narrative we tell ourselves is entirely within our power, even when the system around us is slow to change. Giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt isn't about being naive or unrealistic. It's a strategic move – a way to keep ourselves in the game long enough to see some change. 

So, ask yourself, "What new possibility will I choose to believe today?". Not a guarantee. Not a promise. Just giving it a chance. One small belief that maybe, just maybe, things could turn out better than you've been told to expect. 

You don't have to make a big thing of it. No one even has to know about your decision to see things differently. You can be the quiet exception who changes the game from the inside, step-by-step. Be prepared for your path to look very different than what you might have imagined. Your career doesn't have to follow a traditional arc. It doesn't have to meet anyone else's expectations, except your own. 

We've covered a lot here, so here's a recap of some of the key points: 

• Watch out for perfectionism, comparisons, and the glorification of struggle. They disguise themselves as wisdom but tend to keep you stuck. 

• Remember that good enough is often good enough to start, and getting started is how you build real momentum.

• Leverage what's worked for others, but don't try to replicate their path – your context, timing, and possibilities are different. 

• Hope might feel uncomfortable, but it's a necessary kind of discomfort, one that proves you still believe in your own potential. 

The future you're building doesn't have to look like anyone else's version of success. It doesn't have to meet anyone else's timeline. It only has to meet your needs and desires.

Focusing on negativity is easier because it's everywhere and is relatively effortless. But possibility is available, too – if you're willing to do the slower, quieter work of choosing it again and again. Not because we're naive, not because we're ignoring reality, but because we believe, deep down, that we deserve more than merely surviving in our workplaces. 

All it takes is being willing to build it, one small, courageous step at a time.

And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Breaking Free From The Negativity Loop at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and seventy-five.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen, and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com. 

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.  

Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.