194. How Are You Doing, Really?
- Nov 27, 2025
- 10 min read
Updated: Nov 28, 2025
Defaulting to “I’m fine” keeps us invisible, disconnected, and emotionally overloaded in environments that already undervalue genuine expression. When we begin balancing listening with sharing, we strengthen trust, deepen connection, and allow others to finally see us as collaborators rather than background characters. As we learn to answer honestly, track our progress, and intentionally build relationships, we create the visibility, confidence, and opportunities we need to move forward.
And, if you were to decide to answer truthfully—you might make them feel uncomfortable.
Are you always the listener but rarely the sharer, leaving conversations feeling drained or invisible? Are you defaulting to saying you’re fine even when you’re overwhelmed, exhausted, or silently struggling? Are you noticing that your tendency to deflect attention might be holding you back in your career, your relationships, or your confidence?
You’ll learn that answering “How are you?” with more honesty not only deepens your connections but also increases your visibility, trust, and credibility at work. Sharing even small pieces of your real experience helps others see you, understand you, and feel more connected to you—something essential for career growth and personal well-being.
WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER
Why balancing listening with sharing is essential for connection and career momentum
3 practical tips to begin sharing more honestly
Why tracking your own progress and intentionally building connection directly strengthens your confidence, resilience, and sense of belonging
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TRANSCRIPT
Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and ninety-four. I'm your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way.
We've all done it. Someone asks, "How are you?" and without even thinking, we say, "Fine". Meanwhile, inside, we're anything but fine. For many of us, this reflex to deflect attention away from ourselves runs deep. We're the reliable listeners, the ones who hold space for everyone else, but rarely share what's really going on with us. The hidden cost? Resentment, exhaustion, and worst of all, invisibility.
In this episode, we'll explore why learning to answer, "How are you?" with honesty can transform not just our relationships, but also our professional opportunities. It's easy to fall into the trap of always listening without ever sharing, because the cultural messages push us to leave our emotions at the door. But then, there's a physical and mental toll of repressing what we truly feel. You'll discover why balancing listening with speaking up, tracking your own progress instead of comparing yourself to others, and intentionally building stronger connections can help you create the trust, visibility, and recognition that's needed to move forward with confidence.
Maybe you've noticed that the phrase, "How are you?" has become the most meaningless question in the workplace. It's practically a verbal handshake. Someone asks, you say "Fine", they nod, and you both move on with your day. It doesn't matter if you've just pulled an all-nighter, if you're about to burst into tears, or if you secretly feel like screaming at the top of your lungs. "Fine" is just everyone's default setting. Frankly, I don't think people want to hear anything else in response. And, if you were to decide to answer truthfully—you might make them feel uncomfortable.
But here's the thing: when we spend our lives telling people we're "fine" while silently burning up inside, there's a hidden cost. And it's not just emotional. It spills over into how we build relationships, how visible we are at work, and ultimately, how far we move in our careers.
I learned this the hard way. For years, I was the listener. I'd be sitting across from friends or colleagues while they went on and on about their weekend or their latest drama—all of it. I'd nod, smile, and maybe even throw in the odd "oh, really?" just to prove I was still listening. And then, after an hour of one-sided conversation, I'd leave feeling drained, resentful, and somehow invisible.
And what I learned was that invisibility is a career-killer, especially if you're a woman in a male-dominated profession. Because when recognition and reward are already scarce, silencing yourself is like digging your own professional grave.
Here's what happens when you're always the listener and never the sharer:
Resentment builds. You feel like nobody cares about your experiences, your perspective, or even your existence.
Exhaustion sets in. You've just carried the emotional weight of someone else's entire download without receiving any energy back.
Invisibility becomes the norm. At work, your contributions fade into the background because you've trained people to overlook your voice.
The cultural messaging we receive doesn't help. We've all been told—explicitly or implicitly—to leave emotions at the door. But that's a ridiculous expectation. It's just not possible to put everything aside during your work hours. You're still the same person. And yet, so many workplaces reinforce the idea that professionalism equals emotional suppression.
What happens when you bury emotions instead of processing them? You might get through the day unscathed, but long-term, the cost is steep:
Stress builds up in your body and makes itself known as tension headaches and back pain.
Your mental health takes a nosedive with increased anxiety or depression, perhaps putting you at risk for burnout.
Your resilience erodes because you're running on fumes without replenishment.
Unfortunately, repressing emotions doesn't make them go away. It just makes them come out sideways—as snarky comments, simmering anger, or snapping at the people you actually care about.
Now, it would be easy to frame this as entirely 'their problem'. Those self-absorbed colleagues who never ask about you. Those friends who hijack every conversation. And yes, they deserve some blame. But here's the uncomfortable truth I eventually had to face: I was part of the problem, too.
I had trained people not to ask about me. Every time someone asked, "How are you?", I deflected, "I'm fine. How are you?" and I'd hand the spotlight right back because I didn't want the attention, or the scrutiny.
What was the consequence? I unconsciously diminished myself—both in friendships and at work. By constantly shifting attention away, I told people my experiences weren't important, my voice didn't matter, and my contributions didn't warrant recognition, or even their attention. That dynamic wasn't just exhausting—it was career-limiting.
The key shift for me was recognizing that balance matters. Listening is powerful, but so is speaking up and sharing what's really going on with you. And when you don't take up your fair share of space, you teach people to overlook you.
So, what's the fix? Honestly, it's learning to embrace the discomfort. If you're used to being the listener, speaking up feels vulnerable. It can also feel awkward, almost embarrassing. But eventually, with practice, you will figure it out.
Here's how I started—and you can too:
Prepare some vocabulary. To go beyond "fine" or "good", have a few adjectives ready. Maybe overwhelmed, motivated, curious, drained, or even hopeful. Give yourself some language for what you're actually feeling.
Practice honest answers. When someone asks how you are, resist the urge to deflect. Say something real, even if it's just one word that's a little more descriptive than usual.
Start with journaling. If saying it out loud feels unsafe, write it down. Give yourself the gift of honesty on paper first, to help you explore what's really going on for you.
Notice what happens. Pay attention to whether people respond differently when you share more openly. You might begin to notice that some people lean in and reciprocate when you share what's actually going on with you.
Quality matters more than quantity. Emotional health isn't something you can measure with quantitative metrics. It's not about how many times you shared in a week—it's about whether your relationships start to feel more balanced and less draining, leaving you feeling more connected.
In the workplace, advancement isn't just about competence. It's about visibility, trust, and the relationships you foster. You can be the best engineer, scientist, or analyst in the room, but if nobody knows you, trusts you, or sees you as a collaborator, they're not going to be promoting you anytime soon.
Why does this matter? Because reciprocity is what helps build professional relationships. If you're always the listener and never the sharer, you're essentially missing out on connecting with people.
One thing people often don't realize is that always being the listener can actually make others trust you less over time, not more. On the surface, being the person who listens, nods, and never makes it about you seems like the safe, professional move. But in reality, when you never share anything of yourself, colleagues and leaders may quietly perceive you as distant, guarded, or even disengaged. You might be seen as a 'lone wolf' who doesn't work well with others. They aren't getting enough of you to connect with, so while you think you're building goodwill by giving others the floor, what you may actually be doing is limiting how much they feel they can trust, include, or advocate for you.
That's the paradox. By always protecting yourself and avoiding the spotlight, you think you're maintaining professionalism, but what you're really doing is making yourself less memorable for others. And without that sense of mutual exchange, people don't feel the same level of connection to you, which directly impacts how they view your readiness for leadership or advancement. In other words, your silence isn't just costing you visibility—it might be costing you credibility, too.
Here are three things to watch out for:
When you're always in the listener role. If you realize every conversation ends with you knowing their whole life story and them knowing nothing about you, that's a red flag that you have the power to change.
Those colleagues who never reciprocate your curiosity. If they can't be bothered to even ask, "And, what about you?", maybe they don't deserve so much of your attention or energy.
Balancing privacy with openness. You don't have to bare your soul, but you do need to offer enough of yourself to build rapport and let them get to know the real you outside of what you can do at work.
So, here are three practical strategies to try:
Share small, intentional pieces of yourself—like what you're working on and how it makes you feel, a recent challenge you've experienced, or even a quirky interest.
Test the waters. See how people respond when you open up, even just a little.
Use curiosity as a two-way street. Ask questions, but maybe try framing those questions by providing your answers to them first, and then ask others for their thoughts.
That will help you develop healthier working relationships, which will undoubtedly translate into more recognition, more influence, and more opportunities. And those are the things that will, in time, move your career forward.
Another piece of this puzzle is how we measure our own progress, since how we see ourselves has a direct impact on our level of confidence. So, we also need to be asking ourselves how we're doing.
And, if we don't have that answer ready, our brains will look elsewhere, usually at other people. This fosters an endless spiral of comparison where we're mentally tallying up who's further ahead. And it's no surprise that we always come up short. Because we're comparing our messy behind the scenes with someone else's highlight reel.
The solution is to build your own scorecard. Think about measuring your progress by tracking hours invested in meaningful work, time spent learning or resting, as well as tasks completed, steps taken, or boundaries held, rather than only focusing on the final result.
Some examples of personal scorecards might include tracking how often you speak up in meetings, monitoring your well-being with hours of sleep, workouts completed, or breaks taken. Or, tracking your networking efforts with the number of conversations initiated or connections strengthened.
There's a certain sense of relief that comes when you measure your own progress on your own terms instead of someone else's. Suddenly, the question of, "How am I doing?" has an actual answer based on evidence—and it's not based on how well you measure up relative to your peers. When you have a realistic view of how well you're doing, it's easier to focus on building those relationships with those same peers.
Part of the reason we're struggling with connection these days is that 'accidental community' has disappeared. Twenty years ago, you bumped into coworkers in the break room, caught up before meetings, and talked about your weekend at the water cooler or as you both got your coffee in the morning. These tiny moments build a sense of belonging without you even having to try.
Now, more people are working remotely, and it's not common for anyone to hang around after a video call unless they are specifically asked to. No one even likes to put their camera on during the meeting. Convenience is high, but connection is low, which means building community requires intentionality. You have to choose connection. And yes, that takes effort, but let me assure you, it's worth it.
Try taking just one small step, like sharing a little more about yourself in meetings, or putting a little more importance on those catch-up conversations during those chance encounters, instead of rushing through them.
Remember, people are a good use of your time. Connection fuels resilience and visibility, and will help you grow in your career. With consistent effort, over time, you may notice you feel less resentful and more like you belong. Work relationships become healthier and more rewarding. And, you feel calmer and more motivated. And maybe, most importantly, life feels less like it's happening to you and more like something you're actively shaping.
So, the next time someone asks, "How are you?", don't just default to "Fine". Give them just a little bit more than you normally would. Maybe you say, "I'm feeling kind of exhausted but also excited", or "I'm feeling stretched a little too thin", or maybe, "I'm hopeful about the new project that's about to start" and see how they respond. It might spark more of an exchange.
But, if you're not ready to share with others, perhaps you could at least share how you're feeling with yourself. Notice and name your feelings, because there's power in acknowledging them rather than denying them.
So, here's your challenge for this week: when someone asks, "How are you?", try to answer with one honest, descriptive word, not just "fine". Then, reflect on your own workplace dynamics. Are you silencing yourself? Are you deflecting because you're more comfortable not having the spotlight on you? Remember, your voice and your feelings matter. They're part of your presence, and they impact the quality of your professional relationships and your career trajectory.
When you allow yourself to be seen and heard, you create the conditions for career growth and genuine connection. Always being the listener but never the sharer quietly diminishes our professional presence, erodes our confidence, and limits our career momentum. Deflecting attention away from ourselves reinforces a cycle of invisibility. By learning to answer, "How are you?" more honestly, we not only deepen our relationships, but also open doors to recognition, trust, and opportunity.
By learning to balance listening with sharing, tracking our own progress, and intentionally investing in building connections with others, we create the confidence and visibility needed to move forward with more of what we want in our careers.
And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Answering Honestly at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and ninety-four.
Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.
Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.
