180. Micromanaged Into Feeling Not Good Enough

Micromanagement chips away at our confidence by making us question our own judgment and prioritize approval over impact. We often internalize these patterns until we become our own worst micromanagers, overworking ourselves into burnout. By setting boundaries, questioning expectations, and aligning our efforts with what truly matters, we reclaim our power and redefine success on our terms.

It implies that you need a little more oversight so they’re “just trying to help” by reshaping everything you do. And slowly, piece by piece, your confidence erodes.

Are you constantly second-guessing yourself because of micromanagement at work? Are you feeling burned out from trying to meet everyone’s expectations but never feeling like it’s enough? Are you starting to wonder if the career ladder you’re climbing is even the right one?

You’ll learn that micromanagement isn’t about your performance—it’s about control—and that breaking free requires shifting your focus from approval-seeking to alignment with your own goals and values.

WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER

• Why micromanagement erodes confidence and keeps us playing small, and how recognizing this pattern helps us reclaim our power.

• 3 practical tips to realign your energy with the work that actually moves your career forward.

• Why redefining success on your own terms leads to more sustainable progress and greater career satisfaction.

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DOWNLOAD GUIDE TO ESCAPING THE MICROMANAGEMENT TRAP

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TRANSCRIPT

Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and eighty. I'm your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

It's one thing to have a demanding job; it's another to feel like you're constantly being micromanaged by those unable to relinquish control. Many of us work in matrix environments where roles and responsibilities tend to be fluid, authority is diffused, and input comes from all directions. In environments like this, many of us find ourselves micromanaged not just by our bosses, but by a whole system of unclear expectations and non-stop scrutiny. Add in our people-pleasing tendencies and desire to be seen as capable, and the result is a toxic cycle where we're doing too much, for too many, with little to no payoff in advancing our own careers. Even worse, we start to internalize it – believing that the problem must be us and that success requires constant availability, flawless execution, and never pushing back.

In this episode, we look at whether this micromanagement we're experiencing is a misguided attempt at mentorship or a more sinister form of intentional misdirection. When we lack the autonomy to decide our own priorities, our attention tends to get pulled away from the high-impact, strategic work and we end up trapped, doing only the invisible, energy-draining tasks that rarely lead to anything. It's time we recognize these patterns and do what we can to change this dynamic. You don't have to keep replicating what bad bosses have inflicted on you. You can lead yourself like the great boss you've always wanted – the one who knows that boundaries, focus, and well-aligned effort are strategies for sustainable success. 

Being a woman in a high-stakes environment often comes with unspoken trade-offs. You want to be ambitious? Fine, but be prepared to pay for it with your time, your energy, your boundaries, your weekends – and sometimes your sanity. We've been subtly conditioned to believe that the price of success is burnout, that exhaustion somehow proves our value. But, what if the real problem isn't our strong work ethic? What if the real problem is who we've been trying to prove ourselves to? 

This is where the trap begins. You enter a new role full of energy, ideas, and confidence. You're ready to do meaningful work and build something that matters. But, it doesn't take long for the signals to start showing up – the constant CC'ing of senior folks on all correspondence, just to 'keep them in the loop', the petty redlining of a document that didn't actually need revision, the supposed 'mentorship' that's really just someone imposing their outdated preferences on your every move. This can be especially prevalent in matrix environments, where those dotted line reporting relationships blur accountability, where it feels like everyone gets to critique your performance, while no one actually supports your growth. It's a masterclass in being micromanaged into feeling like you're not measuring up. 

Micromanagement is subtle, but powerful. It's not loud and domineering; it's more of a whisper that constantly signals that your own judgment can't be trusted. It implies that you need a little more oversight so they're 'just trying to help' by reshaping everything you do. And slowly, piece by piece, your confidence erodes. You start over-explaining why you did what you did, for everything you do. You seek unnecessary approvals, just to avoid pushback. You spend your time double- and triple-checking your work – not because it's wrong, but because you've learned that anything less than perfect becomes a liability. 

Matrix environments are a breeding ground for this nonsense. With too many managers and not enough clarity, you end up playing an exhausting game of guessing whose expectations will prevail, since they always seem to conflict. You contort yourself, trying to meet everyone's preferences, but in the end, satisfying no one – including yourself. You chase their approval because it feels like it's necessary to ensure your job is secure, but it never feels like enough. There's always one more person who wants it done differently. 

And then, there's the benefit and freedom of 'flexible' work hours – a concept sold to us as a job perk, but often it's used as a weapon. In theory, you're allowed to work when it best fits your life, as long as your work gets done. In practice, it means answering questions long after your workday ended, because your boss just 'wanted to get it off their plate', or sacrificing your weekend downtime to get a jump on something that is due first thing Monday morning. Suddenly, you're always on. The boundaries between work and life begin to blur. And when you do try to push back, you're met with judgment: You're not a team player. You're not as committed as others. You must not want it enough. 

You may have also experienced the joy of being managed by someone who is married to their work – someone who spends all their time working because, perhaps, they have nothing else to go home. They stay late, not because it's necessary, but because it's all they know. And, if you don't mirror that behavior, you're seen as a slacker, especially if you have – or want – a family. Their resentment can seep through, painting you as distracted or less ambitious, even if your output is consistently excellent. 

But, here's the thing, this setup works so well on us because it was designed to. Many of us were raised, explicitly or otherwise, to be grateful for any attention at all, especially in environments where women are underrepresented. We're taught that feedback, no matter how tone-deaf or controlling, is an opportunity that we should be thankful for. We don't want to rock the boat. We want to show that we're coachable. So, we internalize every correction as encouragement to help us succeed, never stopping to ask if the advice even makes sense, or if it's serving their agenda instead of our own career progression. 

And, this is where it gets even messier – because once we start internalizing it, we reinforce it. We adopt the habits of the worst bosses we've ever had and turn them on ourselves. We push harder, even when we're drained. We criticize ourselves for not doing enough, even when we're clearly doing too much. We start to believe that real success requires sacrifice – that working ourselves into the ground is a badge of honor, not a red flag. So, we keep doing it, even when no one's micromanaging us anymore. The programming runs that deep. 

This results in feeling wildly overextended while our efforts to work miracles become expected rather than applauded, leading us down the road to burnout. We fill our days grinding away on whatever is thrown our way, as well as all that invisible work – the behind the scenes efforts that no one sees but everyone expects. We spend so much time proving we're competent that we don't leave room to demonstrate our proficiency with the skills that could actually help us move up more quickly. And, in doing so, we keep ourselves playing small, feeling constantly overwhelmed and stuck. The only reward in all of this is more work. 

So, how do we break this pattern? 

It requires a radical shift in focus. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. Start asking yourself, "Does this expectation actually align with the career I want to build? Is this feedback helpful, or are they just trying to maintain the status quo? Is this request about real value, or about someone else's control issues?". Not every opinion deserves our consideration. Not every request requires a response tonight. And, not every piece of feedback deserves implementation. 

Imagine what the best boss you've ever had – or wished you had – would do in your situation. Would they guilt you into working late? Would they nitpick your language choice or formatting? Would they expect you to sacrifice your well-being for optics? Probably not. So, stop managing yourself like the worst boss you've ever had. Choose clarity and strategy over people-pleasing. Put yourself first, for a change. 

Become intentional about where your time and effort go. Focus on what gets recognized, rewarded, and aligns with your desired future, not just what keeps everyone else comfortable and content. That might mean letting some people be disappointed. That might mean saying no to the supposed 'mentorship' that feels more like surveillance. That might mean taking a break to recharge – not as a reward for doing the impossible, but as a way to make all of this sustainable. 

We may not want to admit it, but we play a role in letting micromanagement become the norm. Not because we want to be controlled or disempowered, but because we've been socialized, especially as women in competitive male-dominated fields, to view control as care, and criticism as investment in our future. We're taught that good things come to those who cooperate, keep their heads down, and do what's asked (if not more). So, when someone is overly involved in our work, we don't always recognize it as a red flag. We assume it's part of the process, so we try harder to win their approval. 

And that's exactly why it works. 

Micromanagement doesn't just wear us down, it keeps us playing small by training us to seek approval over impact. It rewards compliance over curiosity. It's not about improving performance, it's about establishing dominance, often masked as helpfulness. And because many of us are so used to seeking affirmation from authority figures, we don't challenge it. We double down on being good, agreeable, and competent – but never asking questions in fear of being seen as a threat to their agenda. 

It's a psychological trap, and matrix environments are the perfect breeding ground for it. In these setups, no one's clearly in charge – but everyone feels entitled to weigh in on your performance. You might report to one person, take direction from another, and be evaluated by three more, who don't fully understand your work, but have strong opinions about how you're doing it. There's no clear feedback loop, just layers of input that tend to be vague and contradictory. 

So, we adapt. We learn to treat every suggestion as a mandate, every opinion as a rule, and every piece of feedback – even when it conflicts with the last – as something we're expected to 'action immediately'. If we don't, we're seen as difficult, defensive, or not a team player. It becomes easier to just comply, even when we know that the requests don't make sense. Explaining ourselves feels too risky, and thinking for ourselves feels like a liability. 

This is when the hypervigilance sets in. We're not just trying to meet expectations, we're trying to predict them. We try to be preemptively perfect to avoid criticism. We analyze tone, phrasing, and timing of whatever is said. We overthink responses and rehearse answers. In trying to be everything to everyone, we forget to ask the most important questions: Are these expectations reasonable? Are they even relevant to what I want to achieve? 

Instead, we bury ourselves in busywork – the follow ups, the formatting, the constant status-checking, the double-confirmations, and the emotional management of other people's anxieties. Meanwhile, the bold strategic work that could actually move our careers forward either gets pushed to the bottom of our to-do list or handed off to someone else. 

Somewhere along the way, we decided that being good means being busy. That success means always being available. That the way to win is to be relentlessly compliant, even at the cost of our clarity, our confidence, and our sanity. We've internalized the system. We've become our own worst micromanager. 

It's self-sabotage – and it's exhausting. 

Over time, this turns into a pattern that's almost impossible to see while you're in it. You push harder. You stay later. You keep yourself constantly accessible, constantly working, constantly hustling – until one day, it hits you. The thing you were working so hard for doesn't feel worth it anymore. It doesn't feel fulfilling. You're too drained to care anymore. You start to wonder if you were even trying to climb the right ladder in the first place. 

From their perspective, you volunteered for all of it. You didn't object, you didn't ask for help, and you didn't say no. So, when you finally can no longer cope, the message is, "Well, why didn't you say something sooner?". 

It's a cruel twist. You were trying to be good, agreeable, and compliant – and now you're blamed for trying to be all of those things.

Eventually, your self-image warps. You stop seeing yourself as smart, capable, and strategic. You start seeing yourself as someone who has to be doing more to be taken seriously. You start to believe that self-sacrifice is the cost of belonging, and that constant overwork is just the way it is. You forget that the whole point of building a career was to grow, to contribute meaningfully, and to make an impact – not to survive in a high-functioning state of depletion.

So, what's the way out? 

It requires awareness. You have to notice the moments when you're acting out of fear instead of alignment. The moments where you're over-delivering on someone else's priorities at the expense of your own. The moments when you're trying to prove you're good enough – instead of deciding what enough means to you. 

You have more power than you think. But, you have to be willing to step back from the performance, the pattern, and the noise – and ask better questions. Is this helping me grow? Is this aligned with my goals? Is this the kind of career I want – or just the one I've been taught to endure? 

The moment you start asking those questions, you stop playing small. You stop being the hyper-compliant, over-responsible version of yourself that the system benefits from, and you start becoming the leader your career actually needs. 

Maybe that means protecting your non-work time like it actually matters. Not apologizing for calling it a day at a reasonable time. Setting boundaries that clearly state what you're willing to do, without having to explain why. Maybe it means delegating some of that non-essential busywork that fills your day but gets you nowhere. Start challenging feedback that feels more about someone else's preferences than your actual growth. Thank them for their advice and simply let it go. Nothing says you have to act on everything you receive. 

And when that inner critic creeps in, the one whispering, "You're falling behind" or, "You're not being cooperative enough", don't fall for it. Counter it with, "Falling behind on what? And for whose benefit?". Because that inner critic voice is simply your conditioning and there's no reason it should get to make your career decisions anymore. 

What we often overlook is that we can make success easier and faster by doing less of what drains us and more of what actually moves the needle. But, that requires shifting our internal metrics. You don't have to take on every request or expectation just because someone else said so. Start being selective. Choose the expectation worth meeting, those aligned with your long-term vision, values, and well-being. Tell people clearly and politely what you can do in response to their request, and let them decide whether to find someone else who will simply comply without question. Communicate this assertively, not apologetically. You may be surprised at how that changes things. 

The same goes for feedback. Decide what to take seriously and what to toss. Not every piece of advice is helpful in getting you to where you want to go. You can thank someone for their input and still ignore it, especially the unsolicited kind, without a tinge of guilt. Be especially alert to other people's agendas. Ask yourself, "Is this feedback truly in service of my career growth? Or is it more about furthering their agenda?". 

Practice saying no calmly and clearly, "Thanks, I'll get to it Monday" or, "It's my understanding that it's not a priority right now, but I'm open to revisiting it next quarter". Keep it professional. Close the door on pushback. And, most importantly, don't argue with yourself about it later. You don't have to justify protecting your energy. It's a choice and it's yours to make. 

Be aware that the path back from workplace-induced burnout is a long one. Sometimes, it can take months or even years. And, the best way to avoid it is to stop operating under someone else's warped definition of success. Take a moment to check-in with yourself. What are you telling yourself you must do to be successful? And where did that come from? 

Try running a few small experiments this week. Change just one or two things. Say no where you'd normally say yes. Speak up where you'd just stay quiet. Push back on one task. Prioritize deep work over performative busywork. And then, see what happens. Notice how you feel. Notice whether anyone even pushes back – or if they just adapt. You might be surprised how much control you actually have. 

You might be unintentionally holding yourself to standards that weren't built to support your success – they were built to maintain someone else's power, boost their productivity, or neutralize you as a threat. It may sound like I'm being paranoid, but I just want you to be more aware of the workplace politics at play.

Sustainable success doesn't come from being endlessly available; it comes from being fiercely aligned with what matters to you. Prioritize visibility. Do the work that moves the needle. And yes, sometimes, that might mean disappointing people who are expecting you to be still nothing but compliant. 

You don't need to do more to be enough. You need to do it differently. 

All of this is not easy to untangle, but it's worth it, because your success shouldn't come at such a high cost. And, an important step to reclaiming your power is realizing you never needed to prove anything to anyone in the first place. 

And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Escaping The Micromanagement Trap at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and eighty.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com. 

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.  

Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.