181. When What You Think Gets In The Way Of What You Want

It can feel like we’re doing everything right at work yet still not moving forward, and often the real barrier isn’t the system but our own thinking. Our protective habits like overthinking, people-pleasing, and perfectionism seem safe but actually keep us stuck until we build self-awareness. When we shift from self-protection to self-awareness, we gain the courage to embrace growth, take meaningful risks, and fully receive the success we’ve been working toward.

But, when we zoom in, we often find that it’s our own thoughts, beliefs, and protective behaviors that quietly steer us away from what we truly want.

Are you working hard, following all the rules of success, but still feeling stuck or overlooked? Are you caught in patterns of perfectionism, people-pleasing, or overthinking that seem helpful but actually hold you back? Are you struggling to recognize how your own thinking may be blocking you from both taking risks and receiving success?

You’ll learn that your mindset—not just external barriers—can be the biggest factor holding you back, and that building self-awareness is the key to unlocking growth, confidence, and the ability to fully embrace the success you’ve been working toward.

WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER

• Why self-awareness is critical for moving past survival mode and starting to make bold, aligned choices

• 3 practical tips to spot the mental traps that keep you from moving forward

• Why your mindset matters not just for taking risks, but also for being able to receive recognition, promotions, and new opportunities without downplaying your worth

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TRANSCRIPT

Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and eighty-one. I'm your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

It might seem like you're doing everything right, or at least everything you were told would lead to success. You're showing up, working hard, being reliable, staying humble, and maybe even sacrificing a little too much of yourself to prove you're capable. And yet, something's off. You feel stuck, overlooked, or like no matter how much you give, it's still not enough to move the needle in your career. If that sounds familiar, you're probably still battling an invisible barrier that is your own thinking. 

In this episode, we delve into something that many of us don't realize until much later – it's not always the external circumstances keeping us from what we want; sometimes, it's our mindset quietly steering us away from risk, discomfort, or growth. Our brains are wired for self-preservation, not bold career leaps. So, even though we say we want visibility, impact, or recognition, we often sabotage ourselves with overthinking, perfectionism, people-pleasing, or all-or-nothing thinking. It may not be intentional, but it is powerful. And until we build self-awareness and start challenging those patterns, we'll keep playing small without even realizing it.

We've all had those moments – the ones where you're working yourself into the ground, following all the supposed rules of career success, showing up early, working hard, being a team player, and not rocking the boat. You're checking all the boxes, doing everything right, and yet you still don't seem to be getting anywhere, like no matter how much effort you pour in, the recognition, the promotion, or even just professional respect somehow never materializes. It's maddening. But sometimes, the biggest thing standing between you and what you want in your career isn't the broken system, your manager, or even your excessive workload – it's your own thinking. 

But, this isn't about blaming yourself, so let me clarify. It's about understanding how our brains are wired for one primary function: survival. They're not designed to make us brave, bold, or visionary. They're designed to keep us safe. And unfortunately, safe often means stuck. Safe tells us to avoid discomfort, play small, and never risk making others uncomfortable. It whispers things like, "You're not ready" or "Better wait until it's perfect" or "Don't say that because they might not like it". And because our brains are very convincing, we often listen. 

This is what self-preservation looks like in action. And while it may not sound all that threatening, it shows up in some surprisingly common and sneaky ways like perfectionism, people-pleasing, and overthinking. You might think you're just being thorough, helpful, or prepared – but in reality you're delaying, deferring, and diminishing yourself to stay emotionally safe. The very strategies you're using to prove yourself may actually be keeping you from being noticed. 

So, how do we get out of this survival mindset? Self-awareness. It's the only way through. Self-awareness is the thing that lets you see those internal roadblocks for what they are – and once you can see them clearly, you have a real shot at moving past them. 

This starts with getting honest about both your strengths and your struggles – without judgment. Think of it as gathering data. Let's look at strengths first. What are your superpowers? Are you the one who stays calm under pressure while everyone else starts spiraling? Are you a strategic thinker, able to see ten steps ahead when everyone else is stuck in the weeds? Maybe you're the go-to listener, the person who picks up on what's not being said and makes others feel truly seen. These aren't just nice personality traits – they're career assets. But the question becomes: Are you using them? And if so, how consistently? Are these strengths front and center in your work, or have they been quietly pushed aside by your desire to just get it all done? 

Now, let's talk about where you struggle. Again, not to judge – just to observe. Maybe you struggle with impatience, especially when others aren't keeping up. Maybe setting boundaries is hard for you, where you say yes far too often and end up stretched too thin. Or maybe you find it hard to empathize with people who approach things differently, especially when it slows down progress. These aren't deal breakers, but they do become barriers when left unchecked. So, ask yourself: How are my struggles getting in the way of what I want at work? Are they keeping me from speaking up, asking for more, or collaborating effectively? 

And here's the follow-up question: What's standing in the way of you working on them? Because identifying a challenge is one thing, but doing the uncomfortable work of then addressing them takes courage. It also takes clarity about your why. Which brings us back to self-awareness. The more clearly you can see yourself – not the version others expect, but who you actually are – the more power you have in making different choices. And the more aligned those choices are with your core strengths and values, the more forward momentum you'll generate.

Now, I want to be clear: self-awareness isn't self-blame. You're not responsible for every roadblock in your path. But, if you want to stop feeling like life is happening to you, self-awareness is the key that lets you take back some control. When you realize how your thoughts, habits, and default responses are shaping your reality, you gain the ability to shape it differently. That's when you move from reacting to choosing – and realizing that you have a choice is powerful.

Self-awareness lets you build a more accurate and empowering version of your story. It shows you what you're capable of and what needs attention. It opens the door to confidence – not because you've eliminated every flaw, but because you finally understand how to work with both your brilliance and your blind spots. It helps you pause before falling into old patterns, take a breath before you over commit, and speak up when you get that sense you're being overlooked. It becomes a quiet force that helps you stay calm, clear-headed, and courageous in the messy middle of your career. 

When you approach self-awareness with curiosity instead of criticism, the work becomes so much easier. You can be fascinated by your patterns instead of trying to hide them. You can explore your strengths with pride instead of brushing them off as no big deal. You can reflect on where you tend to struggle without spiraling into self-doubt. That kind of honest curiosity is the difference between staying stuck and moving forward. It's the bridge between survival mode and strategic growth. 

So, if self-awareness is the key to unlocking what's in your way, let's talk about what that actually looks like in practice – because it's one thing to say ‘know yourself’, and a whole other thing to actually do it. It turns out knowing yourself isn't a one-and-done deal. It's more of an ongoing practice. And when you think you know yourself pretty well, it's smart to keep double-checking. 

Why? Because it's incredibly difficult to be objective about ourselves. We're in it. We're swimming in our own thoughts, biases, and assumptions all day long. As they say, "It's like trying to read the label from inside the jar". You may think you're being totally self-aware, but the version of you that lives in your head might be playing out very differently than the one the rest of the world sees.

So, here's a small but powerful exercise: choose five words to describe yourself. Don't overthink it too much. Just go with what comes to mind. Maybe you'd pick words like ambitious, reliable, thoughtful, driven, or creative. Great. Now, pause for a second and ask yourself, would your colleagues, friends, or family use those same five words? Be honest now. 

Better yet, have you actually asked them? If not, what's stopping you? 

It's no surprise that most of us avoid asking for feedback. We don't want to hear what people really think, especially if we already have a harsh inner critic giving us a running commentary. But, without outside perspective, it's easy to fall into a lopsided self-image – either selling ourselves short or holding onto an outdated idea about who we are and how we're showing up. 

And, if you're already hard on yourself, that tendency can morph into something even more limiting, like all-or-nothing thinking. This is the mental trap where everything is either amazing or a disaster, a success or a failure, perfect or worthless. 

Here's how it often plays out at work. You delay sharing your idea because you haven't got it all figured out, yet. You over prepare for your presentation until you're completely confident it'll land flawlessly. You write and rewrite an email because you're afraid of sending something that sounds less than polished. This kind of binary thinking keeps you stuck. You start believing that unless success is guaranteed, it's safer not to try. 

And those words we throw around like 'always' and 'never' are dead giveaways. "I always mess up when I speak in front of senior leaders" or "I'm never going to get promoted unless I work twice as hard". 

These aren't truths – they're thought distortions. They may even sound a bit on the dramatic side, because they are. They're designed to justify inaction or anxiety, and they rob you of nuance, progress, and potential. 

So, what's the alternative? It's not lowering the bar. It's learning to play in the middle ground between the extremes. 

Because the messy, imperfect space where things are still in progress is actually where the growth happens. Doing something imperfectly but consistently is almost always more powerful than doing nothing, while waiting for things to line up perfectly. Want to build credibility? Speak up, even if it's not articulated flawlessly. Want to build influence? Show up, even if you're not completely confident. Want to build momentum? Do the thing, even if you're still figuring it out. 

The real shift happens when you stop asking, "Will I be judged for not being perfect?" and start asking, "Will this move me forward?". 

By now, you've probably started to see a pattern. It's not just the external stuff – though yes, the system is flawed, the playing field isn't level, and the workplace dynamics can be incredibly discouraging. But, when we zoom in, we often find that it's our own thoughts, beliefs, and protective behaviors that quietly steer us away from what we truly want. And, we rarely notice it because it feels so reasonable, so responsible, like it's the right thing to do.

There may be many things happening that are beyond your control, but you can stop letting your own thoughts hold you back. 

That inner voice that sounds so logical when it tells you to "wait until you feel more ready", or to "not ask for too much", or to "just stay in your own lane for now" is not your wisdom talking, that's your inner critic. 

When you start getting curious instead of critical, everything changes. Instead of thinking, "Why am I like this?" try asking, "What is this trying to tell me?". Instead of being afraid of receiving criticism, try seeing it as simply feedback. It's just data. Instead of letting discomfort stop you, let it point you in the direction of your next opportunity for growth. 

And speaking of discomfort, let's talk about adversity – the kind that shaped you, tested you, and at times made you want to burn it all down and start over. If you've worked in a male-dominated industry for long, chances are you've had your fair share of being underestimated, overlooked, interrupted, passed over, dismissed, and told to "just be patient" while someone less qualified leaps ahead. 

It's exhausting. It's infuriating. And it's also a goldmine for growth, if you're willing to reframe it. 

Adversity isn't the barrier to transformation. It can be the transformation. 

Think about it. Who do you become when things go sideways? What strength surfaces when the pressure is on? What do you learn about yourself when you're forced to adapt, pivot, or push through something that feels impossible? 

Try this: Think of three hard things you've recently faced in your career. Now, for each one, identify at least one way you grew because of it. For example: 

• Maybe that difficult boss taught you how to advocate for yourself. 

• Maybe being passed over for a promotion helped you clarify what really matters to you.

• Maybe a toxic work environment forced you to finally set boundaries and prioritize your own well-being. 

These aren't silver linings to minimize what you went through. They're evidence that you're already growing stronger, even when it's messy, painful, and nowhere near inspiring in the moment. Without adversity, there is no transformation. And, if that's true, then maybe it's time to stop resisting the hard stuff and start seeing it as the training ground for what's coming next.

Now, let's talk about the next steps, because insights are nice, but what matters most is what you do with them. 

Start simple. Choose one strength and one struggle to explore more fully this week. 

What's one way you could lean into that strength a little harder? Maybe it's speaking up more in meetings, trusting your gut more often, or offering your perspective even when it hasn't been explicitly asked for. 

And, what's one way something you struggle with might be showing up? Maybe your tendency to overthink is keeping you from making a decision. Maybe your reluctance to set boundaries has led to resentment and frustration. Don't shame it – just notice it. That's where the shift begins. 

Next, pay attention to how often you fall into all-or-nothing or self-protective thinking. 

Do you catch yourself saying things like, "I always screw this up" or "If I can't do it perfectly, I shouldn't do it at all"? Flag those moments. You don't need to fix them on the spot – but naming them helps loosen their grip. This is you starting to rewrite that mental script, one thought at a time. 

Self-awareness is a moving target, but it's also a superpower. It's not about achieving some perfect Zen-like state of knowing yourself at all times. It's about developing the muscle to keep paying attention, to reflect, to revise, and to stay curious even when your ego wants to be right or your fear wants you to hide.

That curiosity is your secret weapon. It helps you move forward, when perfectionism wants you to wait and see. It helps you take risks, when self-doubt says maybe you shouldn't. And it helps you stay open, when criticism makes you wonder why you should even bother. 

And, the more you practice this kind of thinking, the less resistance you will feel – not because your situation changed overnight, but because you changed the way you're showing up.

Did you know that your self-protective thinking isn't just blocking you from taking that risk – it's also blocking you from receiving the good things when they do show up. 

We often assume that once the recognition, opportunity, or promotion comes, we'll feel ready, worthy, and confident. But, what's rarely acknowledged is that if you've trained your brain to downplay your strengths, second-guess your value, or brace for disappointment, you may unconsciously reject or minimize the very thing you've been working toward.

This can show up as imposter syndrome, discomfort with visibility, sabotaging new roles, or struggling to receive praise. Your mindset doesn't magically shift just because the external result changes. You have to do the internal work now to be able to enjoy the rewarding career you're building. Otherwise, the success you've been chasing may end up feeling more overwhelming than fulfilling. 

So, let's recap a few of the ways that our thinking gets in the way of what we want in our careers:

1. Self-preservation disguises itself as strategy: Our brains are wired to avoid discomfort, which often shows up as perfectionism, people-pleasing, and overthinking. These behaviors feel reasonable, and even like the responsible thing to do, but they also keep us playing small. 

2. Self-awareness is the only way through: We can't change what we haven't yet acknowledged. Noticing our strengths, patterns, and internal narratives – especially the all-or-nothing thinking – gives us the clarity and power to make new choices and shift how we show up in the workplace.

3. Unchallenged thinking blocks both risk and reward: If we don't change how we think about ourselves and our worth, we'll struggle not only in pursuing success, but also in receiving and enjoying it when it comes. Growth isn't just about pushing forward; it's about preparing to embrace what we've been working so hard for. 

So, if you're sitting there wondering why your career isn't moving in the direction you want it to, maybe it's time to look inward – not because you're the problem, but because you might be the solution. Your thoughts, your strengths, your patterns – they might be shaping your results more than you realize. While our thoughts aren't always the enemy, at times, they do need some filtering. 

The biggest breakthroughs in your career won't come from working harder – they'll come from thinking differently about yourself and what's possible for you. When you shift from self-protection to self-awareness, you give yourself permission to show up more fully, take meaningful risks, and recognize the value you bring to the table.

It's not magic, it's your mindset. And you have the power to change it, starting right now. 

And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Rethinking What's Holding You Back at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and eighty-one.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com. 

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.  

Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.