222. Discomfort or Misalignment

Productivity has become a form of self-soothing for many of us, driving us to keep moving the goalposts the moment we achieve success. We explore the critical difference between productive discomfort—which signals healthy growth—and misalignment, where we're climbing the wrong career ladder entirely. By designing our own metrics for success and setting intentional boundaries, we can stop chasing validation and start building careers that truly align with our values.

There's a huge difference between discomfort that we can work through and misalignment where we're not even on the right career ladder.

Are you constantly raising the bar on yourself the moment you achieve a goal, never letting yourself feel satisfied with your accomplishments? Are you struggling to tell the difference between discomfort that comes with real growth and a deeper sense that you're on the wrong career path entirely? Are you wearing your busyness like a badge of honor, mistaking exhaustion for dedication while the recognition you're working so hard for never quite materializes?

You'll learn that not all discomfort is created equal—productive discomfort means you're growing, while misalignment means you may be excelling at climbing a ladder leaning against the wrong wall, and knowing the difference can save you years of misdirected effort.

WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER

• Why you are perpetually chasing a finish line that keeps shifting

• 7 practical strategies to stop moving the goalposts on yourself

• Why staying on a misaligned path—not questioning it—is what actually sabotages your success in the long run

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DOWNLOAD GUIDE TO RECOGNIZING WHEN YOU'RE MOVING YOUR OWN GOALPOSTS

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TRANSCRIPT

Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode two hundred and twenty-two. I'm your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

You finally get that promotion you've been working toward for two years. You've logged the extra hours, delivered the troubled project as successfully as possible, and proven yourself ten times over. The title change comes through, along with the corresponding salary boost, and for about forty-eight hours you feel this rush of accomplishment. But then, almost immediately, your brain starts up with this little voice, "Okay, but now I need to prove I deserve this level. I need to keep pushing myself to do more, faster, better." And just like that, the satisfaction evaporates, replaced by this familiar anxiety that you're somehow still not doing enough. If this sounds uncomfortably familiar, you're not alone. 

In this episode, we're talking about why we keep moving the goalposts on ourselves, and more importantly, how to stop. This is a trap. It's an insidious pattern where we redefine success the moment we achieve it, leaving us perpetually chasing a finish line that keeps shifting just out of reach. We're going to explore why this happens and how to distinguish between discomfort that signals healthy growth versus misalignment that means you might be climbing the wrong career ladder entirely. Let's get into it. 

Let's start with why we do this to ourselves in the first place. For many of us, productivity has become this weird form of self-soothing. I know for me personally, I learned to calm my anxious mind by literally listing off everything I accomplished that day. No one taught me to do this—I just stumbled upon it as my own personal antidote to anxiety.

I'd run through all these metrics in my head: meetings attended, emails answered, design reviews completed, and problems solved. Looking at all those items on my to-do list that I was able to cross-off made me feel worthy somehow. And here's the embarrassing part: I'd even add items to my list that I'd already done just so that I could cross them off and get that little dopamine hit. Getting things done made me feel inspired and energized, like I was finally proving my value. 

But here's where it gets problematic. When your to-do list starts filling up with things you think you 'should' do instead of the things you actually want to do or that align with your real goals, that energized feeling transforms into dread. You find yourself willing to do literally anything else except tackle those items. You're reorganizing your desk drawer, suddenly very interested in deep-cleaning your keyboard, anything to avoid the tasks that might actually help in advancing your career. And in male-dominated fields like engineering, this whole dynamic gets amplified to an almost ridiculous level. 

We're already working in environments where recognition is scarce, where we're constantly having to prove ourselves, and there's this unspoken expectation that we need to be twice as good to get even half as far. So, we internalize this message that we're never quite enough. And we compensate by becoming productivity machines. We wear our busyness like a badge of honor, confusing completing tasks with making real progress, which leads us to mistaking our exhaustion for dedication. 

The worst part is that this 'productivity-as-worth' equation becomes a trap. When you're using achievement to soothe anxiety about your value, you will never achieve enough. There will always be one more thing to prove, one more goal post to reach, one more metric to hit.

And the cruel irony is that in environments where your work is already undervalued, you're essentially trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom. You can keep pouring in more productivity, more accomplishments, more late nights, but the validation you're seeking never quite materializes because the problem isn't your output—it's that the system is not designed to recognize it in the first place. 

Now, before we go further, I want to make a critical distinction, because not all discomfort is created equal. There's a huge difference between discomfort that we can work through and misalignment where we're not even on the right career ladder. This is the distinction that can save you years of effort, so pay attention. 

• Productive discomfort—the kind that signals you're stretching into new territory—has some specific characteristics. You feel challenged, maybe even a bit intimidated, but you don't feel fundamentally incompatible with the work itself. Your core values are still aligned with what you're doing. You can see a path forward, even if it's steep and you're not entirely sure you can climb it. The anxiety you feel has this quality of, "I'm about to do something important" rather than "I'm slowly dying inside". This is the kind of discomfort where embracing the anxiety can actually make you feel less anxious. When you channel that nervous energy into focus, when you use it as a signal that you're pushing your boundaries in a good way, it becomes productive. You're growing, and growth isn't supposed to feel comfortable. 

• Misalignment, on the other hand, is completely different. This is the more insidious problem—like climbing efficiently up a ladder, and then you realize it's leaning against the wrong wall. You might be excelling at every external metric, checking all the boxes, impressing all the right people, but something fundamental feels off. Your personal metrics for success are completely different from what's being rewarded in your environment. You're achieving what you set out to achieve, but it feels hollow. The culture doesn't just challenge your values, it might even actively oppose them. You find yourself constantly trying to fit a prototype for success that requires you to diminish essential parts of who you are. That's not growth. That actually erodes your confidence. 

So, how do you evaluate whether your current path actually aligns with your values and goals? Start by designing your own metrics for career progress instead of just accepting the traditional markers. Ask yourself some tough questions: What did I think I wanted when I started on this path, and is it still true? Am I moving goalposts because I'm genuinely growing and my aspirations are evolving, or am I chasing validation that I'll never get in this particular environment? 

And here's another big one: If recognition and reward magically appeared tomorrow—if your manager suddenly saw your value, if you got the promotion, if your contributions were finally acknowledged—would you actually want to stay on this path? Because if the answer is no, then you're not dealing with a recognition problem. You're dealing with an alignment problem, and no amount of productivity or recognition is going to fix that. 

Let's talk about five of the most common beliefs that keep us stuck in this moving goalpost trap, because these beliefs are sneaky. They sound reasonable, even virtuous, but they're actually sabotaging our growth. 

Belief #1: "If I just continue to prove myself, I'll finally get recognized." This one is particularly brutal for women in STEM because we've often succeeded in academic environments where merit felt more straightforward. We think that if we just work hard enough, smart enough, and consistently enough, eventually the recognition will come. But here's the paradox—sometimes realizing you have less control gives you more peace of mind. You cannot control whether other people recognize your value. You just can't. You can control the quality of your work, but you can't control whether your manager or client chooses to acknowledge it. What you can control is whether you recognize your value and whether this environment will ever align with that desire for recognition. Sometimes, the most empowering thing you can do is to accept that it's either going to happen or it's not, and either way, you'll be okay. Your peace of mind comes from letting go of the need to control other people's perceptions. 

Belief #2: "Slowing down or setting boundaries will make me seem uncommitted." We're so conditioned to believe that more is better, that being constantly available means you're more dedicated. But here's what actually happens—setting boundaries gives you more freedom. When you create limits about what you're going to do and what you're willing to tolerate, you're creating a healthier space to focus on what actually matters to your career trajectory. And you know what else? You'll achieve more by slowing down and being intentional. Frantic doesn't always mean productive. Often, it just leads to more mistakes or you end up working on all the wrong things. When you slow down enough to prioritize what's important, when you're more intentional about what you're doing, you get better results. Embracing constraints, including time constraints and energy constraints, actually brings more freedom because it forces you to first clarify what really matters. 

Belief #3: "I can't afford to make mistakes or show vulnerability in this environment." This one is especially insidious for those of us who are already fighting stereotypes about our competence. But here's the reality—making mistakes helps you succeed. You won't find out which strategy will work until you try it, and trying means risking failure. Every mistake teaches you a lesson that you can then use to refine your approach and build resilience. And vulnerability, in fact, makes you stronger. Nobody expects you to be perfect. In fact, perfection isn't very relatable. When you're open about your struggles, you cultivate deeper connections with those around you who are going through similar things and feeling very alone. By being honest about what you find challenging, you give other people the courage to share their experiences, and you might find that they offer suggestions that are helpful. 

Belief #4: "I need to do it all to prove I can handle it." Did you know that sometimes asking for help makes you more effective? I know that sounds backwards, but think about it. When you struggle with something for too long because you don't want to ask for help, you're wasting time and energy. The key is knowing when to ask for help and being willing to do it, even when you don't want to. Getting help might be the shortcut that helps you become more capable, faster. It's not a sign of weakness. Think of it as strategic resource allocation. 

Belief #5: "Giving up or changing direction means I failed." That's not necessarily true. Sometimes, giving up leads to progress. It takes real strength and humility to recognize when something isn't working for you and to change course. Sticking it out when it's horrible might be doing more damage than good, so letting go can be the bravest choice. And sometimes, moving forward requires you to leave something behind. That's not failure, that's wisdom. 

If you continue on in misalignment, you get stuck on a treadmill of diminishing returns—working harder and harder for less and less satisfaction. You miss opportunities on better aligned paths because you're too exhausted to even explore them. You become that 'reliable workhorse' who gets more work piled on, but never advances. You build this impressive looking resume that feels completely meaningless to you because it represents a path you never actually wanted to be on in the first place. And perhaps worst of all, you model this dysfunction for other women coming up behind you, perpetuating the cycle. 

You become addicted to that dopamine hit you get from checking-off items on your to-do list, but it never quite satisfies. You risk serious burnout—the kind that makes you question whether you even like your field anymore. Your confidence erodes because the goalposts keep moving before you can actually experience your hard-earned success, so you never get to consolidate those wins and build a sense of competence. Your work relationships suffer because you're always trying to prove your worthiness, and you're never fully present. 

So, what should you watch out for in your professional environment that might be making all of this worse or normalizing it? Here are six red flags that should make your spidey-sense tingle: 

Red flag #1: Watch out for environments that reward 'presenteeism' over results—where you're judged by the hours your butt is physically in your chair, rather than impact delivered. If people are commenting on when you arrive and when you leave rather than what you accomplish, that's a problem. 

Red flag #2: Be wary of cultures where asking questions is seen as weakness, especially if you're already fighting stereotypes about competence. Learning should be valued, not penalized. 

Red flag #3: Pay attention to the "we're like family" narrative, especially prevalent in smaller companies, when it's used to justify unreasonable demands. Families don't typically conduct annual performance reviews and they definitely don't lay people off. So, when setting and enforcing professional boundaries is seen as not being a team player, you're being manipulated. 

Red flag #4: Look for patterns where there is always one more task you need to complete or one more troubled project you need to rescue in order to "prove yourself", but that effort never actually leads to advancement. Recognize that you're perpetually in the 'paying your dues' phase, where no matter how long you've been there or how heroic your efforts are each time, it's never enough for you to get what you want. 

Red flag #5: Watch for gaslighting around workload or recognition, like when they tell you, "everyone works like this" when they clearly don't, or "you just got promoted" when that was three years ago. Trust your instincts. 

Red flag #6: If you're the only woman, or one of very few, and there's no structural support to prevent you from bearing the burden of being the 'token representative' or being seen as the 'diversity hire', that isolation will grind you down. 

Alright, so what can you actually do about all of this? What's within your control? Let me give you seven practical strategies that can make this easier on you: 

Strategy #1: Design your own scorecard. Define your metrics for career progress, separate from external validation. Track your growth in skills, impact, and alignment—not just titles and recognition. Create a personal definition of success that can be achieved even in imperfect environments. Choose things you can measure and feel good about, whether or not anyone else notices. 

Strategy #2: Distinguish between productive and performative work. Audit your to-do list honestly. What's genuinely advancing your career versus what's just keeping you looking busy? Apply the 80/20 rule to workplace politics—figure out what 20% of 'visibility work' yields 80% of the benefit, and don't get sucked into the rest. Give yourself permission to do less of what doesn't serve your actual goals. If you're reorganizing files that no one will ever look at, or attending meetings where you contribute nothing and learn nothing, that's performative. Reclaim your time by opting-out. 

Strategy #3: Set boundaries as strategic career moves. Remember, embracing constraints brings more freedom because boundaries force prioritization. Practice saying, "I can prioritize X, which means Y will need to wait" instead of, "Sure, I'll find a way to make it all happen". And here's something crucial—balance optimism with realism. Being too optimistic about your capacity can actually hurt your chances of success because you overcommit, underdeliver, and shoot yourself in the foot. It's better to be realistic about what you can handle by making that clear upfront, and then exceeding expectations rather than promising everything, and not delivering. Remember, your professional reputation is on the line. And, no one knows how much other stuff was on your plate; they just see that you missed their deadline. 

Strategy #4: Channel anxiety into action, not affirmation. When you feel that urge to prove your value through more productivity, pause and ask yourself: "What am I actually anxious about?". Use anxiety as a signal that you're about to do something important, not as a reason to create busy work that gives you some temporary relief. Separate "I need to feel productive" from "I need to make strategic progress". They're not the same thing. 

Strategy #5: Build selective vulnerability. Share your authentic challenges with trusted colleagues—this builds deeper connections and might make you feel less alone. Ask for help strategically, not as a last resort when you're already drowning. Remember that people relate to struggles, not perfection. The colleague who admits, "I'm struggling with this new framework" is infinitely more relatable and trustworthy than the one who pretends everything is effortless.

Strategy #6: Create decision criteria for your career ladder. Before you pursue a new goal, ask yourself: "Is this truly expanding my comfort zone or am I chasing validation?". Develop clear 'stay-versus-go' criteria based on your values, not just your discomfort level. Write them down. Make them specific. Then, when you're tempted to adjust to moving goalposts, you can check that against your criteria and see if this is real growth you want or need to get you to the next level, or just anxiety-driven achievement-seeking.

Strategy #7: Practice less control, more influence. Accept what you cannot change—whether others recognize you, whether the workplace culture improves, whether opportunities appear on your timeline. None of that is within your control. Focus instead on your sphere of influence: your skills, your network, and your choices about where to invest your energy. Peace of mind comes from accepting that it's either going to happen or it's not, and either way, you'll be okay.

I hate to break it to you, but sometimes you can achieve everything you set out to accomplish and still be in the wrong place. Success doesn't always feel like success, especially if it requires you to betray your values or deplete yourself completely. The real question isn't, "Can I succeed here?" but rather, "Do I want the version of success that's possible here?". Because these are two very different questions, with very different answers.

And here's another thing people tend to overlook: if you're using achievement to soothe anxiety about your worth, you'll never achieve enough. When our hard work goes unnoticed, our instinct is to double down on proving ourselves. We become productivity machines, thinking that if we just accomplish enough, we'll finally feel secure. But that's not how it works. Your worth comes from within. 

There's one more paradox I want to leave you with: When you let yourself acknowledge that your current plan isn't working—when you really feel that disappointment, instead of immediately jumping in to fix it with more productivity—you open the door to finding what you actually want in your career. When you know what misalignment feels like, you appreciate alignment so much more when you find it. You have to let yourself go through the tough realization before you can become happier overall. Every emotion is important to experience, even the uncomfortable ones.

So, here's your challenge for this week. Identify one boundary you can set to protect your time and energy. What's one thing you can say no to or deprioritize that will free you up to focus on what actually matters to your career? 

The goal here isn't to stop being ambitious or to stop growing. The goal is to make sure you're climbing a career ladder you actually want to be on, using metrics that matter to you, not metrics imposed by a system that may never fully recognize your value, anyway.

Remember, you're not sabotaging your success by questioning whether you're on the right path. You're more likely to sabotage it by staying on the wrong path just because you've already invested so much time and energy. The sunk cost fallacy is real, and it's keeping talented women stuck in situations that will never serve them. 

You have permission to change direction. You have permission to redefine success. And, you have permission to start moving towards something that actually aligns with who you are and what you want.

And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Recognizing When You're Moving Your Own Goalposts at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode two hundred and twenty-two.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com. 

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.  

Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.