200. You Deserve Better Than This
- cindyesliger
- 2 days ago
- 10 min read
At some point, it becomes clear that staying agreeable and silent has quietly cost us more than it has protected us. We see how avoiding conflict, downplaying our needs, and waiting to be recognized leaves us overworked, under-credited, and increasingly resentful. Reclaiming our careers requires intentional communication, clearer boundaries, and the willingness to ask for what we actually want instead of settling for what others decide we deserve.
When you don’t clearly define for yourself what you want from your career, other people will happily fill in the blanks for you.
Are you saying ‘yes’ at work even when every part of you wants to say ‘no’? Are you doing more and more while feeling increasingly overlooked or underappreciated? Are you frustrated by feeling stuck in a role that no longer reflects who you are or what you’re capable of?
You’ll learn that staying agreeable, silent, and conflict-avoidant may feel safer in the moment, but it quietly undermines your confidence, clarity, and career growth over time.
WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER
Why failing to clearly define and communicate what you want allows others to decide what you ‘deserve’—often to their advantage and at your expense
5 practical tips to help you create the career you want
Why reconnecting with your own wants, needs, and internal signals is the foundation for reclaiming your voice and creating a career that actually fits you
SUBSCRIBE: APPLE PODCASTS | SPOTIFY | AMAZON | PODBEAN | POCKETCASTS
TRANSCRIPT
Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode two-hundred. I'm your host Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way.
Most of us were never taught to boldly ask for what we want—especially at work. Instead, we were rewarded for being agreeable, flexible, and self-sacrificing. We were told that if we just kept our heads down and worked hard, someone would eventually notice and reward us. But that's not how it happens, particularly in male-dominated professions, where there are power dynamics at play. When we don't clearly define what we want from our careers, we end up settling for what others decide we 'deserve' and more often than not, they tend to underestimate us. Over time, the frustration and resentment builds, as we realize that we're stuck in roles that no longer reflect who we are or what we're capable of.
In this episode, we're digging into the very real costs of people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, and staying silent about our needs at work. We'll explore ways to recognize when you've been playing small to keep others comfortable, how to shift from reacting to responding, and how to communicate more clearly and assertively, even when it feels uncomfortable. Let's look at what it really takes to set boundaries without guilt and advocate for yourself without apology. Because you deserve better than this—and it's time to stop settling for less.
For so many of us, there comes a point in our careers where we look up from the never-ending to-do list and ask ourselves: How did I end up being the one who does all the extra work, gets none of the recognition, and still feels like I have to be grateful for the opportunity?
If you're at this point now, let me tell you: You deserve better than this.
But here's the catch—it's not going to get any better unless you start asking for what you want. And, in order to ask for what you want, you have to know what that is. And that's where things get tricky.
Because for many of us, we've spent years—maybe even decades—being the agreeable one. The one who plays nice, goes with the flow, and doesn't make waves. We've convinced ourselves that being easygoing is a strength. And sure, sometimes it is... until it becomes a career liability.
When you don't clearly define for yourself what it is you want from your career, other people will happily fill in the blanks for you. And not because they're evil—most of the time. They're just doing what's most convenient and also happens to be to their benefit. If you're the one who's always available, always willing, always agreeable, then it's not hard to guess who gets the last minute request. You. And guess who gets passed over because you "never seemed that ambitious anyway"? Also you.
There is a cost to not knowing what we want, and more importantly, not asking for what we want.
Here are five of the most common consequences of not making your wants or needs known:
Chronic Resentment: You say 'yes' with a smile, but inside you're screaming, "No, not again!". You're seething while finishing a task that never should have been assigned to you in the first place. Over time, this builds up. You start resenting the people around you—or worse, yourself—for not speaking up sooner and still being treated like a doormat.
Identity Stagnation: You've learned so much and improved, but no one sees it, because you're still being treated like the eager engineer-in-training from five years ago, whose main job was to organize the lunch orders. That version of you isn't who you are anymore, but unless you say something and stand up for yourself, guess what? Nothing will change.
Invisible Contributions: You're doing solid work, maybe even saving projects from falling apart, but you're not the one getting the credit. Why? Because you didn't speak up. You didn't make it known to the people making the decisions. Being the behind-the-scenes hero might be noble, but it won't get you promoted. Others will gladly fill the void and take credit for the great work you've done and the impressive results that come of it.
Doing Great Work Just Gets You More Work: You keep taking on more, delivering at a high-level, assuming your hard work will eventually be noticed and rewarded. But, in the professional world, the reward system doesn't work that way. Overworking is often met with... more work, not more respect and not more money.
Muddled Communication: When you don't know what you want, you can't communicate it. So, you saying, "I guess that's okay" when you're reluctantly agreeing to yet another request because you feel you have no other choice, gets lost in translation and becomes, "They're totally on board!". Your silence gets interpreted as agreement, and your discomfort gets swept under the rug.
And, just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, here's what starts to happen in your day-to-day when you let others dictate what you get:
You agree to things before you even check-in with yourself.
You ignore the knot in your stomach, the tension in your shoulders, and that 'ick feeling' that says, "This is not what I want to be doing".
You downplay your needs because they might not be convenient for someone else.
You tell yourself that it's "not a big deal", even though it is, for you.
You internalize all that frustration and lash out randomly, which only confuses your coworkers and your boss.
Sound familiar? Or maybe that was just my experience.
We've been conditioned to think that accommodating others makes us better colleagues. We think we'll be more likable and therefore, more promotable. But what it actually does is teach others that our time, energy, and well-being are all up for negotiation.
Many of us have been raised, explicitly or implicitly, to be nice—not assertive, not powerful, and not honest—just nice and agreeable. And that translates into saying 'yes' when we should say 'no', staying quiet when we should speak up, and bending over backwards to avoid being perceived as 'difficult'.
We don't want to seem entitled, or ungrateful, or like we're better than anyone else. We wouldn't want anyone to have to experience a moment of inconvenience or disappointment, now would we? No, never.
But the truth is, refusing to acknowledge your own wants doesn't make you more noble. It just makes you more likely to be taken advantage of by others, using you as a pawn, in their agendas.
And what do we get out of this little arrangement? Nothing.
So, how do you know if you've fallen into this pattern? Here are five signs you've let others decide what you get for all your efforts:
You feel obligated to say 'yes', even when internally, you know it's a hard 'no'.
You hear yourself saying, "Sure, I'd be happy to help", and then have to rearrange everything on your end to make that happen.
You're waiting for someone to recognize your hard work instead of advocating for yourself.
You think your wants and needs are asking for 'too much' or not worth articulating.
You tell yourself people should just know what you want or need, without having to ask.
But, I hate to tell you, they can't read your mind. If you don't ask for what you need, you most likely won't get it.
But, I want to assure you, it's not all doom and gloom. You can turn this around. You can ask for more. And, you can create the career you actually want—without burning bridges in the process. Here are five of the best strategies to get you started:
Shift from Reacting to Responding: Reacting is impulsive, emotional, and generally putting you on the defensive. It's snapping back in frustration because you're exhausted and feeling unheard. Responding, on the other hand, is intentional, thoughtful, and strategic. The subtle difference between reacting and responding is everything. To make this shift, decide in advance how you want to handle predictable situations so you're not caught off-guard as often. When something unexpected happens, buy yourself some time to respond more thoughtfully, by saying something like, "Let me think about that and get back to you". You don't owe anyone an immediate 'yes', especially if their request is asking a lot of you.
Name What You Actually Want: This might sound simple, but it's not, at least for many of us. Because sometimes, we don't know what we want until we realize that it's what we don't want. And then, we try to rationalize away our discomfort by telling ourselves, "It's not that bad" or, "It could be worse". Pay attention to how your body responds when you think about making a particular decision. Alignment feels like warmth, lightness, ease, clarity, and freedom. Misalignment feels like tension, dread, anxiety, and heaviness. Start there. Then, let yourself want what it is you truly desire. Even if it feels inconvenient for someone else. Even if it disrupts their plans. Even if it comes as somewhat of a surprise to you when you put it into words.
Communicate Clearly, Even If It's Uncomfortable: For many of us, conflict feels awkward. But avoiding discomfort doesn't make it go away; it just lets it fester. The longer you avoid saying something, the bigger and messier it becomes. Here's a formula for communicating without blame: "When [that] happened..." [insert specific behavior or situation], "I felt..." [insert actual emotion, not your interpretation], "Because [this] wasn't met..." [insert your need or expectation], "Going forward, I'd like to request..." [then insert your change or preferred solution]. They don't have to agree, but at least you've made your needs known—and that alone can be liberating.
Set Boundaries—and Stick to Them: Setting boundaries is not about controlling other people; it's about deciding what you will do when someone crosses a line. People may resist at first, especially if you haven't set many boundaries in the past. That's okay. They'll adjust. And, if they don't? That tells you a lot about who they are, so pay attention, because that's valuable information.
Repair, Don't Resent: Conflict isn't the enemy, but staying silent can make things worse for you. If you've let something slide for too long, you can still go back and try to address it. You can repair by saying something like this: "I've been thinking about our last conversation and I realize I wasn't clear..." or, "I want to revisit something I didn't address in the moment..." or, "I realize I've been feeling [X] about [Y] and I want to work through it with you..." where you insert the appropriate descriptor of what you've been feeling, and you describe the situation, from your perspective.
It can be uncomfortable, but do it anyway. The alternative is letting your relationship slowly decay, leaving you with your passive-aggressive resentment building into a low-grade bitterness.
And, let's be honest—when you're feeling like that, everyone knows it, and it certainly won't help how others experience you at work.
You would think that if we really wanted something in our careers, we'd know it. Yet, it's common to not even recognize our own wants and needs when we've spent so long prioritizing what everyone else wants or needs from us.
Some of us have spent years, or even decades, people-pleasing, avoiding conflict, and staying silent about what we need in the workplace, and this can erode our connection to our desires. We get so good at adapting that we confuse what works, with what we actually want.
The truth is, it can take some time and effort to identify what it is you want, not what you've been told you can have. Sometimes, it requires listening when you're feeling uncomfortable, uneasy, or exhausted. It's not just about learning to speak up for ourselves—it's relearning how to listen to ourselves, first. That's the real starting point of reclaiming your voice and designing the career you want—not settling for what someone else thinks you deserve.
If you don't make it known what you want, someone else will decide for you—and you probably won't like their version. When you're vague about your goals and reluctant to set boundaries, others will fill in the blanks based on what benefits them, not you. The result? You get stuck doing work that drains you, continue to not be recognized for what you contribute, and wonder why your career doesn't feel like what you expected it would, considering all the effort you've put into it.
Saying 'yes' to everything, avoiding conflict, and staying silent about your needs might feel like you're keeping the peace, but it comes at the expense of your energy, confidence, and professional growth. Over time, it breeds resentment while teaching others that your time and effort are endlessly available and completely negotiable.
The key to change isn't becoming louder or more aggressive—it's becoming more intentional. When you pause before responding, communicate clearly, and set boundaries rooted in self-respect, you shift from operating on autopilot to leading your own career.
This is how you stop settling for what others think you 'deserve' and start creating the career—and life—that actually suits you and your desires.
And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Laying Claim To What You Want at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode two hundred.
Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.
Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.
