183. What You Do When Things Go Wrong
- cindyesliger
- Sep 11
- 15 min read
Updated: Sep 12
Setbacks can shake our confidence, but they don’t have to define us. We learn to recognize unhelpful patterns of overthinking and overcontrolling and instead reclaim our personal power by focusing on what we can truly control. By reframing rejection as redirection and practicing acceptance, we equip ourselves to move forward with clarity, courage, and resilience.
When things go wrong, it just means something needs to change. And you are wise enough, strong enough, and resilient enough to figure out what that change might need to be.
Are you stuck in a cycle of overthinking or trying to control everything when setbacks happen? Are you exhausted from constantly questioning your worth when things don’t go as planned? Are you ready to shift from spiraling into self-doubt to reclaiming your personal power with clarity and confidence?
You’ll learn that setbacks don’t have to define you, and by focusing on what’s truly within your control, you can reframe rejection as redirection and move forward with resilience.
WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER
Why recognizing the difference between positional power and personal power is essential for building confidence that doesn’t crumble when external approval disappears
5 practical strategies to break free from overthinking and overcontrolling so you can respond more intentionally when things go wrong
Why reframing setbacks as opportunities for growth allows you to reclaim your power and keep moving forward, even when life doesn’t go as planned
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TRANSCRIPT
Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and eighty-three. I'm your host Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way.
When things go wrong, like when your project gets derailed, that promotion doesn't come through, or your work gets dismissed or overlooked, it's natural to feel like the ground just dropped out from under you. In high-stakes environments, even small setbacks can feel immense. The instinct is often to either spin out in overthinking while analyzing every possible misstep, or to tighten your grip and try to control everything in sight. Unfortunately, neither of those reactions leads to meaningful progress. They just keep you stuck in a loop of anxiety, frustration, and self-doubt.
In this episode, we explore another way you can choose to respond when things go wrong – one that doesn't involve micromanaging your entire life or blaming yourself for every outcome. You can shift from those unproductive default reactions into something more empowering by focusing on what's actually within your control. This means reclaiming your power, getting clear on your values, and reframing setbacks as opportunities for growth rather than proof that you're failing. It's not about pretending everything's fine; it's about learning to move forward with clarity and confidence, even when the path doesn't look anything close to the way you expected it would.
I'm sure we've all experienced those times when it feels like everything is falling apart. The project you gave everything to, gets shelved. The promotion you were practically promised is given to someone else who barely knows what they're doing. Your manager suddenly has amnesia about all the extra hours you put in, and to top it all off, your coworker's mistake has somehow become your problem to fix.
It's in these moments, when your carefully built house of cards is scattered all over the floor, that your brain goes into overdrive. Some of us start overthinking, while others go into control-freak mode, micromanaging every last detail like it's somehow going to save us from the impending doom. The problem is, neither one of these reactions actually helps, at least not in the long run. If anything, they keep us stuck in a frustrating loop of spinning our wheels, second-guessing ourselves, and secretly wondering if we're the problem. I assure you, you're not. But we need to talk about why it tends to feel like you are.
Let's start with our natural tendencies when things go wrong. The common pattern looks something like this: something goes sideways. Maybe you get blindsided by feedback that feels like criticism, or your workload doubles because someone else dropped the ball. You try to make sense of it, so you start trying to think your way out of it. You analyze, you dissect, you replay every conversation in your head.
And that overthinking? It doesn't lead to clarity; it leads to paralysis. You feel stuck. So you stop. You stop showing up fully. You stop working on that side project you were so excited about. You stop contributing in meetings. You're not lazy – you're just scared. Scared it won't work. Scared you'll look like a failure. Scared to waste more time and energy on something that might crumble again.
Then what happens? You beat yourself up for not being more productive, for not bouncing back faster, for not having it all together. This can be exhausting. And it's a cycle where you go from overthinking, then getting stuck, which then creates more frustration and self-doubt, which reinforces the overthinking, and it all starts all over again. Sprinkle in some imposter syndrome and you've got the perfect recipe for burnout.
On top of that, you know that the stakes are higher in male-dominated environments. When you're the only woman – or one of only a few – you already know that you don't get many second chances. You're expected to prove yourself constantly, but do it without making waves. Show leadership, but don't be 'too assertive'. Work hard, but don't be 'too ambitious'. So when something goes wrong, it doesn't just feel like a misstep – it feels like a potential career-killer.
That pressure only fuels the spiraling, where we think that if we were just organized enough, if we could anticipate more of the risks – maybe we could prevent things from going wrong the next time.
Except control is an illusion – a comforting one, but an illusion nonetheless.
Sometimes, it may feel like you have control. You might get to choose your schedule, your workflow, or your priorities. But then, someone else's last minute decision derails your entire week. A team member doesn't deliver, your boss changes their mind for the umpteenth time. Or, you get hit with unexpected news that makes your carefully built plan completely irrelevant. And suddenly you're scrambling, adjusting, accommodating, and compensating, yet again.
And here's where it gets tricky: when we feel that loss of control, we don't ease up. We grip tighter. We get resentful. We exhaust ourselves trying to manage all the variables as if it's the only way to avoid chaos. But unfortunately, the chaos doesn't care what plan you had in place.
So, what do we actually need when things start falling apart?
We need to get out of that loop of overthinking and overcontrolling. And that starts with recognizing what's actually within our control – and what never was. This is where we reclaim something much more powerful than a perfect project plan and that's your personal power.
Let's talk about the difference between positional power and personal power – because a lot of us have been conditioned to chase the former, while completely neglecting the latter.
Positional power is what the workplace hands out (or withholds, as the case may be). It's the title, the salary band, the visibility and influence you enjoy in meetings, and the authority that you have to approve or deny work requests. It's externally granted – and therefore, can be taken away without explanation. It relies on someone else's approval of your performance. And when things go wrong, positional power often evaporates. That approval is rescinded, recognition disappears, the credit gets redistributed, and suddenly, you're invisible again.
Now, here's the problem: when your sense of worth is built on positional power – on that recognition, the approval from others, or being seen as the go-to person or high-performer – then a single setback can shake you to the core. You start wondering if maybe you weren't that good after all. Maybe they were right not to choose you. Maybe you just got lucky last time. That's the danger of tying your identity to something that's doled out by others.
Personal power, on the other hand, doesn't require anyone else's permission. It comes from within – your values, your clarity, and your conviction. It's grounded in self-trust. And when things go wrong, it doesn't just evaporate. If anything, it kicks in stronger. Because when you have personal power, you don't have to wait for someone else to validate your next move. You decide what matters, you act on your values, and you move forward, even when the external circumstances are a complete mess.
Personal power lets you respond thoughtfully instead of simply reacting. It's the quiet, grounded part of you that says, "This setback sucks, but it doesn't define me". It's the part of you that reframes rejection as redirection. It's the internal compass that keeps you from getting completely knocked off-course when other people are losing their minds – or maybe just their integrity.
So, instead of defaulting to overthinking or overcontrolling, what if you asked yourself this instead:
What do I have control over right now?
Where am I giving away my personal power in exchange for external approval?
What's one small action I could take that aligns with my values, even if I don't know with certainty how it will turn out?
That's the shift from helpless to hopeful.
It's not that you aren't allowed to fall apart when things go wrong. You are allowed to feel the frustration, the disappointment, the injustice, and whatever else you're feeling. But you can pick yourself back up and try again. And, you don't have to earn your way back to worthiness by doing everything perfectly.
You just need to reclaim your personal power, one messy, humbling step at a time.
Here's the truth that no one really wants to hear when everything's going wrong: not everything is within your control. And, that's actually a good thing.
It's definitely uncomfortable at first, especially for those of us who were raised to believe that if we just worked hard enough, planned thoroughly enough, and anticipated everyone else's needs well enough, we could prevent bad things from happening. But the longer we cling to that belief, the more we blame ourselves when life (inevitably) doesn't cooperate. Let's get one thing straight: you're not a failure just because things fell apart. That's life. It happens to the best of us.
There's power in acknowledging that not everything is in your hands. And I know, 'power' might seem like a strange word choice when we're trying to loosen your grip. But letting go isn't giving up. It's not passive or weak. It's a deliberate choice to stop exhausting yourself trying to control what was never yours to control in the first place. It's the kind of clarity that lets you take a breath and move forward with intention.
The goal is to control what you can – your effort, your boundaries, your response, your choices – and to let go of what you can't, like other people's decisions, their timelines, their moods, and whether they recognize how hard you're working, or not. That's where your personal power begins.
Because here's what real personal power is made of: self-trust, clarity around your values, and the willingness to pivot when things don't go as planned. It's not about forcing outcomes; it's about choosing how you will show up when the outcomes are unpredictable or disappointing, or potentially both. It's the kind of power that can't be stripped away because it's all yours and it doesn't require anyone else's permission.
I know that it can be hard to reframe a 'no' or a setback as anything other than a punch to the gut. But let's play with that idea for a second. What if rejection isn't a stop sign, but more of a detour? What if the door that just got slammed in your face was never going to lead to where you actually wanted to go? What if hearing 'no' in this instance is exactly what's going to clear the way for something better?
Sometimes, life protects us with a firm 'no', even if we don't see it at first. That project that didn't get awarded to your company? It might have been a financial disaster. That job offer that disappeared? It might have had you leading a toxic, dysfunctional team. That professional relationship that might have been, with that well-connected mentor who ghosted you? Maybe you dodged a bullet because the power dynamic would have been draining for you. Sometimes, there can be beauty in the 'no', if you're willing to consider another perspective, even for just a moment.
Ceding control often opens up paths we hadn't even considered. When we're so locked in on a specific outcome, we miss the opportunities hiding in plain sight. When we're too busy trying to control the exact path, we lose sight of the journey. And yes, I know that sounds like one of those aspirational posters from back in the day, but stay with me. When you surrender the need to script every step, life has room to surprise you. And sometimes, that surprise is the upgrade you didn't know you needed.
But surrender doesn't just mean letting go of outcomes. It also means surrendering to the limits of what you're capable of, in this moment, with the resources, energy, and information you have. You can't be five steps ahead and fully present. You can't solve every problem and protect everyone's feelings, and never make a mistake. That's not high-performing. That's martyrdom disguised as multitasking.
So, instead of berating yourself for not being able to hold it all together, ask yourself, "What is this experience here to teach me?". That question shifts you from panic to perspective. It repositions failure as feedback, and it transforms disappointment into insight. It's a power move that can be a game-changer.
And speaking of power, let's talk about the psychology of control – specifically, your locus of control. If you've never heard that term, it's basically the belief system that shapes whether you think life happens to you or because of you. Those with a high internal locus of control believe their actions determine their outcomes. On the other hand, those with a high external locus of control believe that forces like luck, fate, and other people are really calling the shots.
And here's the catch: both ends of that locus of control spectrum can be harmful.
If you sit too far on the internal end, you might take too much responsibility. Everything that goes wrong feels like it's your fault. You're wracked with guilt, overextending yourself to try to fix things, and end up anxious and exhausted because you never allow yourself to just relinquish that control.
And, if you lean too far toward the external side, you might feel helpless, like no matter what you do, it won't matter. So then, why try? You start to believe the system is rigged, and sure, in many ways it is, but that belief becomes a permission slip to stop advocating for yourself altogether.
So, what's the solution? Balance. Think of it as a continuum you slide along, depending on the day, the situation, or even the amount of sleep you got last night. What matters is knowing where you are on that spectrum in this instance, and whether that position is helping you or hurting you.
A lot of women seem to develop an internal locus of control really early in life. We learn that if we just try hard enough, behave well enough, and exceed expectations consistently enough, then we'll be rewarded. And when that reward doesn't come, we don't question the system – we question ourselves. Cue the self-blame, the guilt, and the over-responsibility we so willingly adopt.
So, let's do a quick self-assessment. Here are three questions to ask yourself the next time something goes wrong:
Do I blame myself or others first? If your knee-jerk reaction is, "What did I do wrong?", you're likely leaning toward taking on too much responsibility. If it's, "This is so unfair", you might want to consider that you might have had more of a role in this than you think. Neither is bad. Both are informative.
Do I believe success is based on effort, relationships, or luck? This one's pretty loaded, especially if you've watched someone less qualified get promoted while you're still waiting to be seen. But, notice your belief – not just what you think happens in the real world, but what you believe matters most.
When someone else is struggling, do I think 'that could be me' or 'that would never happen to me'? The former shows empathy and shared humanity. The latter might indicate a subtle belief that you're in control of outcomes in a way others aren't – which can isolate you, even if it's unintentional.
Wherever your answers fall, the goal isn't to be 'right', it's to have awareness. And then to decide if the way you're holding your beliefs about control is actually helping you show up with clarity, confidence, and a little more compassion for yourself.
It can be easy to feel like we're doing something wrong when things don't go as planned. But, what if we flip the script? What if, instead of assuming the breakdown is a reflection of our inadequacy, we saw it as an invitation, more of a signal that something needs to shift? Because here's the thing: when life throws a wrench in your carefully laid plans, it's not always a crisis. Sometimes, it's just a course-correction.
And sure, that's a nice sentiment when it's someone else's life needing to take a detour. But, when it's your deadline that's in jeopardy, your idea that's dismissed, or your work that's overlooked (again), it tends to hit a little differently, especially for women in high-stakes environments. One wrong move and you fear you're falling into a chasm of invisibility, judgment, or even being replaced by someone far less qualified, but significantly more confident in their abilities to make it all work. Or maybe that was just my fear.
Even when you can't control everything, you can absolutely reclaim your power in how you respond, how you reframe the experience, and how you choose to move forward.
So, how do you shift out of unproductive spiraling and into something more empowering?
Here are five practical strategies to help you get out of the cycle and back into your power:
Focus on what you can control: Start by making a list and write down everything that's within your control, right now. Consider it a 'control inventory', and here are a few ideas to get you started: your effort, your attitude, your boundaries, the people you choose to engage with, how you talk to yourself, what you say yes or no to. You can't control your boss's mood swings or your colleague's inability to meet deadlines, but you can control how you respond to them. You get to choose whether to internalize their dysfunction or stay grounded in your own standards. And, that distinction can make a big difference.
Reframe the experience: If your default reaction when something goes wrong is, "Why me?", you're not alone. But unfortunately, that question rarely leads anywhere helpful. Instead, try something like this: What might this be protecting me from? What could this be preparing me for? What's the lesson I need to take from this – even if I don't like how it's being delivered? That's not toxic positivity, that's productive curiosity, and it can move you out of a victim mentality.
Identify the fear behind the control: We normally don't obsessively plan and micromanage because we love color-coded spreadsheets. Okay, maybe some of us do, like me, for example. But most of the time, control is a cover for fear. So ask yourself: What am I afraid might happen? What am I trying to prevent by trying to control every detail? What's my plan if it actually happens? It's worth remembering that you're more capable of handling disappointment, conflict, or redirection than you give yourself credit for. But until you face the fear, you'll keep trying to out-plan it – which never works.
Influence, don't control: As much as we would sometimes like to, we cannot control other people. You can't manage their emotions, change their work ethic, or force them to communicate like emotionally intelligent adults. But, you can influence them – by modeling the behavior you want to see, by asking better questions, and by setting boundaries instead of delivering ultimatums. This is where you can show your leadership, not in controlling outcomes, but in creating environments where others rise with you – or reveal themselves as obstacles in your way, which is also useful information. So, ditch the micromanagement because it's exhausting, and exert your influence, which is smarter and much more sustainable.
Practice acceptance: This is the hard one, but also the most freeing. Acceptance doesn't mean you're thrilled with the situation or that you've given up. It just means you stop fighting 'what is' long enough to figure out 'what now'. It's saying, "This is happening. I may not like it. I didn't choose it. But it's real and I get to decide how I respond." Acceptance doesn't make you passive, rather it makes you more powerful. It clears the fog of resistance so you can take real action from a place of clarity.
What we need to remember is that clarity and confidence don't come before taking action – they come as a result of learning to navigate uncertainty without trying to control or fix everything. And feeling out of control doesn't mean you're failing; it means you're human. And that moment of vulnerability is actually where your real power begins.
What matters is what you do next. Overthinking and the need for control are coping mechanisms that keep us stuck. When things go wrong, our brains either spiral into analysis-paralysis or try to control every little thing to regain a sense of safety – but neither response leads to meaningful progress. Recognizing these patterns is an important step toward breaking the cycle.
You don't need to control everything to move forward. You just need to start where you are. Take one small step, and then another, and let momentum do its thing.
Your personal power is deeply rooted in your values, your self-trust, and your ability to make decisions that align with who you actually are – not who others expect you to be. Reclaiming it means focusing on what you can control – your mindset, your boundaries, your actions – and letting go of the rest.
When things go wrong, it just means something needs to change, and you are wise enough, strong enough, and resilient enough to figure out what that change might need to be. You just need to give yourself permission to stop holding everything so tightly. Trust yourself to handle what comes next, even if it doesn't unfold the way you had originally planned.
Progress isn't about having it all figured out. It's about moving forward with courage – even when you don't. So, keep that in mind and you just might be directed towards something better.
And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Reclaiming Your Power When Everything Feels Out of Control at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and eighty-three.
Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.
Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.
