166. The Power Is Yours To Opt-Out
- cindyesliger
- May 14
- 11 min read
Toxic workplace dynamics have a way of making us question everything — our instincts, our value, and even our sense of reality. Instead of continuing to engage in cycles of manipulation and gaslighting, we can choose to reclaim our energy and focus on what truly serves us. By setting boundaries, refusing to seek approval from those who diminish us, and redirecting our energy toward our growth, we take back our power.
Between manipulation, gaslighting, and constant invalidation, it’s easy to start questioning your every move.
Are you constantly second-guessing yourself after interacting with certain colleagues? Are you feeling emotionally drained from trying to fix a toxic workplace dynamic? Are you stuck in a cycle of chasing approval from people who only seem to diminish your value?
You’ll learn that disengaging from toxic dynamics is not a sign of weakness but an act of strength that protects your energy, rebuilds your confidence, and puts you back in control. It’s important to understand how to recognize subtle manipulation tactics and how to reclaim your narrative without waiting for validation or resolution from those causing harm.
WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER
Why disengaging from manipulative tactics is crucial to reclaiming your energy and mental clarity
3 practical tips to help you disengage from toxic workplace dynamics
Why understanding what’s actually behind their toxic behavior helps you depersonalize their actions and stop blaming yourself
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TRANSCRIPT
Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode one hundred and sixty-six. I'm your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way.
Toxic dynamics in the workplace can feel like an invisible weight dragging you down. Whether it's the sly manipulations of a colleague, the gaslighting that leaves you questioning your reality, or the constant invalidation that chips away at your confidence, these behaviors can take a significant psychological toll. They erode your self-confidence, drain your energy, and eventually make even the simplest tasks feel like insurmountable hurdles. If you've found yourself stuck in the cycle of trying to defend, explain, or justify your actions to someone who refuses to listen, it's time to take a step back.
In this episode, we explore how to break free from these harmful patterns and reclaim your sense of self. You don't need to keep trying to win their approval – your energy is better spent elsewhere. By setting firm boundaries, refusing to engage in futile interactions, and shifting your perspective to focus on what you can control, you can create a healthier path forward.
Disengaging from toxic dynamics isn't about giving up; it's an act of self-protection and empowerment. It allows you to reclaim your energy, rebuild your confidence, and approach your career with clarity and intention. Let's get into how you can recognize these toxic behaviors, understand their impact, and take back control of your energy and confidence.
Toxic workplace dynamics can feel destabilizing. You know something's off, but the harder you try to fix it, the less secure you feel. Between manipulation, gaslighting, and constant invalidation, it's easy to start questioning your every move. But, you don't need to keep playing this game. The power to opt-out and disengage is yours – and it's time to use it.
You may not realize it, but toxic dynamics thrive on your participation. Every time you explain yourself to someone who isn't listening, defend your perspective to someone who's determined to twist it, or seek approval from someone who only devalues you, you're fueling this toxicity. Save your breath. Because you don't owe anyone a detailed explanation, a counterargument, or a single ounce of your energy if they've already shown you who they are.
Disengaging doesn't mean you're giving up – it means you're choosing yourself over their chaos. By opting-out of futile interactions, you reclaim the time, energy, and mental space to focus on what truly matters: your well-being and your career goals.
But, before you can disengage, you need to know what you're up against. Toxic people have a way of camouflaging their behavior as confidence, competence, or even concern. Keep an eye out for these five common tactics:
Manipulation: where they twist the facts, withhold information, or use guilt to control outcomes.
Gaslighting: where they make you question your perceptions, memories, or feelings to keep you off-balance.
Devaluing Others: where they undermine your contributions, dismiss your ideas, or make you feel small or insignificant.
Entitlement: where they act as if they're inherently superior or deserving of special treatment.
Dismissiveness: where they ignore your concerns, brush off your input and act as though you're overreacting or tell you you're being too sensitive.
These behaviors are often subtle and cumulative. At first, they might seem like quirks or simply someone having a bad day. But over time, they can play into your self-doubt, creating a toxic atmosphere.
Toxic dynamics aren't just frustrating, they're exhausting. Here are three ways they can sneak up on you:
Feeling Depleted: when you're constantly navigating manipulation or invalidation, it can drain your emotional reserves. You might find yourself dreading interactions with certain people or needing more downtime just to recover.
Second-Guessing Yourself: because the gaslighting you're experiencing is having you question your instincts and decisions. Was that comment really dismissive, or are you overreacting? Did you actually miscommunicate your intention, or are they deliberately twisting your words?
Avoiding Interactions: where, in an effort to protect yourself, you might hesitate to share your ideas in meetings, avoid collaborative projects, or keep your head down just to stay out of the inevitable drama.
When toxic dynamics go unchecked, they don't just drain your energy, they chip away at your self-worth. Seeking approval from toxic colleagues or supervisors can create a vicious cycle. You put in extra effort, hoping they'll finally see your value, but no matter how hard you try, it's never enough.
This external validation trap skews your self-perception in a number of ways:
You start tying your worth to their feedback (or lack thereof).
You internalize their dismissiveness, believing that maybe you are the problem.
You second-guess your capabilities, even in areas where you once felt confident.
What you may not realize is that these people are often insecure themselves. Their manipulative behaviors are designed to make others feel small so they can feel better, or more important. It's not about you – it's about their need for control.
Breaking free from toxic dynamics starts with a mindset shift. Instead of focusing on what they're doing, turn your attention to what you can control. Use these three steps to help with that:
Reframe Your Role: Stop seeing yourself as a player in their game. You're not here to ‘win’ their approval or ‘fix’ the situation.
Detach Emotionally: Recognize their gaslighting or manipulation tactics for what they are, and remind yourself, "This isn't about me". Don't let their chaos dictate your emotional state.
Reclaim Your Narrative: Toxic people often try to define your worth. Take back that power by focusing on what you bring to the table, because you can't control how you're being perceived.
While some of us dream of being able to take down our adversaries in a blaze of glory, it doesn't tend to work that way. Disengaging from toxic dynamics isn't about confrontation, it's about quietly reclaiming your space. Here are three ways to do just that:
Set Boundaries: You don't need to announce your boundaries, you simply need to set them and enforce them. Limit your interactions, avoid taking on more than you can handle, and focus on professional, concise communication.
Stop Defending Yourself: Resist the urge to explain or justify your actions. Toxic people thrive on conflict, so don't give them the satisfaction. A simple, "We seem to have different perspectives on this", is often enough, so leave it at that.
Redirect Your Energy: Every moment you spend on them is a moment you're not spending on yourself. Pour that energy into improving your skills, networking, or showcasing your capabilities to demonstrate that you're ready to take on more responsibility.
Toxic behaviors are often subtle, sneaky, and cloaked in professionalism – or at least their version of it. Toxic people don't like losing the power they think they have over others, so it's wise to expect resistance. When their plans hit a snag, they might escalate their behavior, ranging from passive-aggressive comments, to guilt trips and rage, or even smear campaigns.
If there's a problem, they are careful to make it seem like it's never their fault. Instead, they'll skillfully direct the blame onto someone else, likely you. At the same time, they may try to play the victim, acting as though they're the only ones holding everything together, despite being so 'misunderstood'. Lashing out, making snide remarks, or giving you the cold shoulder are also common tactics.
After a while, you may notice that toxic people all seem to have the same playbook, and once you recognize the patterns, you'll see them coming a mile away. These traps are their way of keeping you hooked in a cycle using what's called the praise-guilt-rage-invalidate loop:
Praise: They start with compliments or flattery to disarm you, "You're such a valuable team member, I don't know what we'd do without you!".
Guilt: So, this is the twist, "But you really let us down on that last project".
Rage: If guilt doesn't work, prepare for a full on explosion, or its quieter cousin, passive-aggression.
Invalidate: Where they minimize your feelings or concerns, "I don't know why you're getting so upset. This isn't such a big deal".
And, just when you think you've made this decision that you're not going to take this anymore, the cycle starts all over again, with that praise or validation, known as intermittent reinforcement. It's just enough to keep you hooked. Toxic individuals often position themselves as the gatekeepers to your success. They'll frame themselves as indispensable, making you feel like your career hinges on their approval. So, you'll keep chasing that validation, hoping the next interaction will finally be different.
While they may come across as arrogant, entitled, or controlling, these are often defense mechanisms, masking deep-seated fears or insecurity. Toxic people often struggle with feelings of inadequacy or shame. Instead of addressing these issues, they project them onto others. If they can make you feel small, they can momentarily feel more powerful.
By manipulating others, they create a sense of control over their environment – something they desperately crave because, internally, they feel anything but secure. Their extreme reactions that can include rage, passive-aggression, or dismissal are attempts to protect their fragile egos. Criticism, accountability, or even a simple disagreement can feel to them like a personal attack or a risk of being exposed.
Understanding this doesn't excuse their behavior, but it does help you see it for what it is: their problem, not yours.
The workplace can be challenging enough without the added drama of manipulation, gaslighting, and invalidation. But, when you're dealing with someone who thrives on toxic dynamics, it's not just frustrating, it's exhausting. Breaking free from these dynamics requires a shift in focus – from what they're doing, to what you can do to protect yourself.
Here are four ways to stay grounded as you begin to reclaim your control:
Stop Trying to Change Them: First things first, you can't fix them. No matter how many heartfelt conversations, well-crafted emails, or logical explanations you offer, they're not going to change because toxic people thrive in their chaos. It gives them a sense of control and power. So, instead of wasting your energy trying to make them see the light, focus on what you can control.
Hold Your Boundaries: Stop seeing yourself as the fixer or peacekeeper. Your job isn't to smooth things over or win their approval. Your job is to do your work, protect your energy, and prioritize your well-being. Toxic people will push, prod, and test your limits, but consistency is key. Whether it's limiting conversations, refusing to engage in their drama, or saying no to unreasonable requests, stick to your boundaries because that's your best defense. The less you engage, the less power they have over you. Keep interactions professional and concise. Don't give them any ammunition to use against you. If they push, calmly hold your boundaries by saying something like, "I'm not comfortable discussing this any further".
Stop Feeding the Cycle: Toxic people are experts at baiting others into arguments. They might use guilt, rage, or even backhanded compliments to get a reaction. Don't give them the satisfaction. When they try to provoke you by lashing out, using manipulation tactics, or dismissing you, respond with calm detachment. Remind yourself that this isn't about you, so don't take it personally. Their behavior is a reflection of their insecurities, not your worth. It's tempting to want to defend yourself or correct their misconceptions, but this only gives them more power. So, instead, don't take the bait. Use neutral phrases like, "I think we see things differently", to shut down the argument without adding fuel to the fire. They can't control a situation if you refuse to play along.
Redirect Your Energy: Recognize their behavior, stop engaging, and focus on reclaiming your energy, and salvaging what you can of your confidence. I know this is easier said than done. Every moment spent engaging with toxicity is a moment you could be spending on those who value and appreciate you.
Toxic people love to argue – it's where they thrive. No matter how logical or clear your explanation, they'll twist it to fit their narrative. When you're caught up in their drama, it's hard to distinguish reality from their warped version of it.
Choosing to stay in a toxic environment often feels easier than the discomfort of leaving. But, I want you to know that staying comes at a cost. Over time, toxic dynamics erode your confidence, self-worth, and even your sense of identity. You'll find yourself second-guessing your every move, avoiding interactions, and questioning your capabilities.
Toxic environments can also stifle creativity, collaboration, and growth. You can't thrive in a space that constantly undermines you. The longer you stay, the harder it gets to leave. These kinds of dynamics normalize over time, making you question whether you actually deserve better. Save yourself the frustration and stop engaging.
Disengagement lets you step off their rollercoaster and assess the situation more objectively. It also gives your mind the space it needs to recalibrate. You stop replaying conversations, stop doubting your instincts, and start trusting yourself again. Once you're able to shift your perspective and prioritize your well-being, you'll wonder why you spent so much time tangled in their web.
Once you've successfully disengaged from the toxic workplace dynamics, it's time to focus on healing and growth. Acknowledge every step you take to reclaim your power, no matter how small, and share those wins with those who genuinely care about your success.
Toxic dynamics can knock you off course, but they don't have to define your journey. Use this as an opportunity to refocus on your goals and aspirations. Journaling or coaching are helpful ways to process the experience and help rebuild your sense of self. Take the time to reconnect with what makes you great at your job. Toxic people may have overshadowed your confidence, but you can begin to rebuild it by recognizing your strengths and achievements.
Breaking free isn't easy. It's uncomfortable, messy, and sometimes, downright painful. But that discomfort is temporary – and it's the price of reclaiming your autonomy and confidence.
We often overlook the fact that we don't need to wait for the toxic person to acknowledge or change their behavior to reclaim our power. Many people feel stuck because they believe resolution requires mutual understanding from the person causing harm. In reality, you can take back control without their input, apology, or cooperation.
This shift in perspective is transformative because it reframes disengagement as an act of self-preservation, rather than a reaction to their behavior. By focusing on what you can control – your boundaries, responses, and where you invest your energy – you free yourself from an endless loop of trying to fix the situation or waiting for an acknowledgment that may never come.
Toxic workplace dynamics are draining, demoralizing, and downright infuriating – but they don't have to hold you hostage. By recognizing the red flags, understanding their manipulation traps, and shifting your focus to what you can control, you can break free from these harmful patterns.
It won't be easy. You have to expect backlash, discomfort, and moments of doubt. But the alternative, staying stuck in their toxic cycle, is far worse.
Remember, disengaging isn't about giving up – it's about taking your power back. And once you do, you'll wonder why you ever wasted so much energy trying to fix what was never yours to fix in the first place.
And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Disengaging From Toxic Workplace Dynamics at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode one hundred and sixty-six.
Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen, and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.
Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.
