228. Accountability As Power Not Punishment

Accountability shifts power back into our hands when workplace systems overlook us, especially in fields where recognition is scarce and goalposts keep moving. When we stop chasing external validation and start setting our own standards, self-worth becomes internal instead of dependent on being noticed. Recognizing red flags like vague expectations and shifting goalposts helps us know when to push for change and when it's time to walk away.

It's about becoming the person who sets the standard for your work, regardless of whether others notice or appreciate it in the moment.

Are you waiting for someone to notice your hard work instead of setting your own standard for success? Are you confusing self-compassion with self-indulgence when it comes to holding yourself accountable? Are you working in an environment with vague expectations, shifting goalposts, or unchecked credit-stealing that leaves you stuck?

You'll learn that accountability isn't about punishing yourself for falling short—it's about shifting your locus of control from external validation to internal standards, giving you the leverage to negotiate, advocate for yourself, and know when it's time to walk away.

WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER

• Why treating accountability as forward-looking and growth-based changes how you show up and move forward instead of staying stuck in self-flagellation

• 5 practical strategies to practice accountability that empowers you

• Why no amount of personal accountability can magically fix a toxic workplace culture

SUBSCRIBE: APPLE PODCASTS | SPOTIFY | AMAZON | PODBEAN | POCKETCASTS

DOWNLOAD GUIDE TO RECLAIMING YOUR POWER THROUGH ACCOUNTABILITY

DOWNLOAD TRANSCRIPT

TRANSCRIPT

Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode two hundred and twenty-eight. I'm your host Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

I'm sure the last thing you want to hear is that you need to hold yourself more accountable. But here's the thing: I'm not talking about accountability as in "work harder and maybe someone will notice you". I'm talking about accountability as the secret weapon that shifts power back into your hands when you're operating in a system that seems designed to overlook you. Because here's what I've learned: in male-dominated fields, where recognition is scarce and the goalposts move every time you get close to them, waiting for external validation is a recipe for resentment and stagnation. But when you reframe accountability as something you do for yourself, not to yourself, that's when everything changes.

In this episode, we're diving deep into why accountability isn't punishment—it's power. We're going to look at common beliefs that keep us stuck in patterns of waiting and hoping instead of acting and owning our value. I'll walk you through what accountability actually looks like when it's done right—both for yourself and how best to encourage it in others—and why creating clear expectations is one of the most impactful things you can do in a workplace that thrives on ambiguity.

You've probably been told, directly or indirectly, that you need to be more assertive, more confident, more strategic, more visible, more collaborative, more likable, and oh, by the way, not too much of any of those, because then you'll be perceived as aggressive or arrogant. So, when someone suggests you need to hold yourself more accountable, it can feel like just another item on a checklist of ways you're supposedly falling short. And then you just feel defeated. 

Here's what we tell ourselves, and I'm going to bet that at least one of these sounds familiar: 

• "If I hold myself accountable, I'm just being hard on myself. Haven't I been hard enough on myself already?" 

• "Accountability means I'm admitting I'm not good enough and I spend enough time feeling like an imposter without adding fuel to that fire". 

• "In a system that doesn't reward my work anyway, why bother? I could hold myself to the highest standard in the world and still get passed over for the promotion that goes to the guy who takes credit for my ideas." 

And you know what? Those feelings are completely valid. The frustration is real. It can be completely unfair. But here's where those beliefs start to undermine our growth, and this is the part that's hard to hear: when we decide that accountability equals punishment, we end up lowering our standards to match the low expectations others have of us. We become passive recipients of whatever scraps of recognition happen to come our way. We start confusing self-compassion, which is essential, with self-indulgence, which is letting ourselves off the hook in ways that don't actually serve us. And, most critically, we give away our power by making our success entirely dependent upon whether someone else notices us, values us, or validates us.

Accountability isn't about working harder or proving yourself in a system that may never value you fairly. Accountability is about shifting your locus of control from external—where you're waiting for recognition, hoping someone notices, crossing your fingers that this time your contributions won't be overlooked—to internal. It's about becoming the person who sets the standard for your work, regardless of whether others notice or appreciate it in the moment.

And I can already hear some of you thinking, "Great, so now I'm supposed to just accept that I'll never get credit and feel good about it?" No, absolutely not. This isn't about accepting unfairness. This is about refusing to let that unfairness define your sense of self-worth and what's possible for you. It's about building an internal foundation that's so solid that when external validation doesn't come—and let's be honest, in male-dominated fields, it often doesn't—you're not devastated. You're disappointed, sure. You're frustrated, but you're not questioning whether you're actually good at your job because you know you are. 

Let me break down the difference between accountability and punishment, because this distinction matters. 

• Punishment focuses on what you did wrong. It's backward-looking, shame-based, and about making yourself feel bad for failing to meet some arbitrary standard. Punishment says, "I can't believe I didn't speak up in that meeting—I'm such a coward."

• Accountability, on the other hand, focuses on what you're committed to becoming. It's forward-looking, growth-based, and about making choices that align with the person you want to be and the career you want to build. Accountability says, "I didn't speak up in that meeting, and I want to be someone who advocates for my ideas, so next time I'm going to prepare one specific point I want to make and deliver it in the first ten minutes."

See the difference? One keeps you stuck in self-flagellation. The other moves you forward. 

Now, accountability has two dimensions, and both of them matter. 

The first is holding yourself accountable, expecting more of yourself, while simultaneously accepting yourself exactly as you are right now. That's the continuous learning attitude. You're not perfect, and you're not supposed to be. But you're committed to growing, learning, and becoming more of who you want to be. You set standards for yourself based on your values and your goals, not based on what you think will finally get you noticed. 

The second dimension is encouraging others to hold themselves accountable, too. And this is where things get really interesting in a professional context. Because when you start creating clarity around expectations—when you ask questions like, "What does success look like for this project?" or, "Can we agree on the timeline for specific deliverables?"—you're not being difficult. You're creating an environment where people can actually meet or exceed expectations because they know what those expectations are. 

Unfortunately, most workplaces operate on ambiguity. And ambiguity benefits the people who are already good at self-promotion and office politics. It does not benefit the people who are actually good at getting the work done. When you push for clarity, when you document agreements, when you follow up on commitments, you're changing the playing field. You're creating a culture of accountability where high standards and clear consequences for not delivering become the norm. And yes, sometimes you'll be the only person doing this. Sometimes, you'll feel like you're pushing against a massive wall of "that's not how we do things here". But every single time you do it, you're modeling a different way of operating, and that matters more than you think. 

So, what actually shifts when you start approaching accountability this way? Let me tell you what I've seen, both in my own career and in careers of women I've worked with: 

1. You stop spinning your wheels waiting for someone to notice your hard work. It can be exhausting to constantly be monitoring whether people are paying attention to you, whether they're appreciating your contributions, or whether this is finally the project that will get you recognized. When you shift to holding yourself accountable to your own standards, you free up all that energy to actually do great work instead of worrying about whether the work is being seen by the powers that be in your organization.

2. Your self-worth becomes internal. It's not dependent on your performance review or whether you got invited to that meeting. You know what you're capable of because you're paying attention to your own growth and your own outputs. And the thing about this is that it gives you leverage. When you know your value because you've documented it, tracked it, and reflected upon it, you can negotiate for raises from a position of strength. You can advocate for promotions with specific evidence. And critically, you know when it's time to walk away because a workplace fundamentally doesn't value what you bring to the table. You're not making decisions from a place of desperation for approval; you're making them from a wealth of self-knowledge. 

3. Accountability helps you distinguish between inner expectations and outer expectations. Inner expectations are what you genuinely want for yourself based on your values, your goals, and your vision for your career. Outer expectations are what others project onto you, whether it's your manager, your company culture, or societal messages about what a successful woman in STEM should look like. When you get really clear on your own standards first, you become so much better at evaluating which outer expectations are legitimate and worth meeting, and which ones are just noise designed to keep you compliant and playing small. 

Let me give you an example. Maybe there's an outer expectation that you should be available on your devices long after regular working hours are over, because "that's just the culture here". But when you check in with your inner expectations, you realize that you actually do your best strategic thinking in the morning, and being exhausted and resentful in the evenings makes you worse at your job, not better. So, you set a boundary. You communicate clearly about when you're available and when you're not. Is this going to make you everyone's favorite person? Probably not. But accountability to yourself means you're willing to have that temporary discomfort in service of the professional life you actually want to build. 

And here's what happens when you do this consistently: you develop a reputation as someone who delivers, not someone who's always available, not someone who says yes to everything, but someone who, when they commit to something, actually follows through. That reputation is worth infinitely more than being seen as the person who never pushes back. 

Now, let's talk about what happens if we don't take control of this. Because the cost of avoiding accountability to ourselves is real, and it tends to get worse the longer it goes on. 

On a personal level, chronic resentment and bitterness start to build. You become angry at your colleagues, angry at the system, angry at yourself for staying in situations that undervalue you. And that anger is truly exhausting. It clouds your judgment. It makes every small slight feel like they're questioning your worth. Meanwhile, your imposter syndrome deepens because you never develop confidence in your own assessment of your work. You're always looking outside yourself for proof that you're good enough. And when that proof doesn't come consistently—which it won't in male-dominated fields—you start to believe maybe you're really not as capable as you thought.

You also end up in analysis-paralysis. Without internal standards, every choice feels overwhelming. Should you apply for that promotion? You don't know—what if you're not ready? Should you ask for a raise? You're not sure—what if your manager doesn't think you deserve it? Should you speak up in that meeting? Maybe not—what if your idea isn't good enough? When you haven't built the muscle of trusting your own judgment and holding yourself accountable to your own standards, every decision requires external validation, and that external validation often doesn't come. 

When you're working harder and harder to prove yourself to people who may never recognize that effort, when you're constantly seeking approval that remains just out of reach, when you're saying yes to everything because you think maybe this will finally be the thing that gets you noticed—that's putting you on the fast track to complete exhaustion and disillusionment, which tends to end in burnout.

Professionally, the consequences are just as significant. You become invisible by your own hand. You're not advocating for yourself because you're waiting to be "discovered", and I hate to be the one to tell you, but that won't necessarily happen. The people who advance are usually the people who make themselves and their contributions visible, who communicate their value, and who ask for what they want. And if you're waiting for permission to do those things, you could be waiting a very long time.

You might miss opportunities because you don't think you're ready. And meanwhile, those less qualified are applying for jobs they're not exactly qualified for because they've been told their whole lives that confidence matters more than competence. I'm not saying we should adopt that same delusional confidence—that's not accountability, either. But there's a middle ground between "I must be perfect before I try" and "I'll figure it out as I go", and that middle ground is where accountability lives. It's saying, "I have these skills, I can learn those other skills, and I'm capable of rising to this challenge". 

But because of this, your career stagnates. You stay in roles or companies that undervalue you because you don't trust your own assessment of your worth. Maybe you think everywhere will just be the same, or you convince yourself that at least here I know what I'm dealing with. But accountability means being honest with yourself about whether staying is actually serving your goals or whether you're just staying because leaving feels scary. 

I want to acknowledge that some environments make it nearly impossible to practice healthy accountability, and you need to be able to recognize them. Here are five things to watch out for: 

1. Vague expectations without clear deliverables. If you don't know what success looks like, you can't hold yourself accountable in a meaningful way, and you also can't push back when you're undervalued. When everything is subjective and fuzzy, the people who are good at managing up and playing office politics win, and the people who are good at actually doing the work, tend to lose. If you're in an environment where you've asked multiple times for clarity and you keep getting word salad in response, that's a red flag. 

2. Lack of consequences when others don't deliver. If you're working in a place where some people consistently miss deadlines, deliver sloppy work, or fail to follow through on commitments, and there are no consequences—but somehow, when you need an extra day because of a legitimate emergency, it's a problem—that tells you something. It tells you that accountability is not actually what's valued, but rather what's most important is how busy you look. And your high standards will make you look inflexible by comparison. 

3. Credit stealing goes unnoticed. If others are taking credit for your work and facing no consequences, you're in a toxic environment. Period. And no amount of personal accountability will fix a culture that rewards people for claiming the contributions of others. 

4. Shifting goalposts. Pay attention to whether standards seem to shift only when you're being evaluated. If your colleagues are promoted with a certain level of experience but you're told you need that, plus a whole lot more, that's likely a form of discrimination. And your response needs to be strategic, which might mean documenting everything and escalating it (if that's the route you want to take). Or, it might mean recognizing that this place doesn't deserve you and planning your exit.

5. Watch out for isolation. When you're the only woman, or one of very few, and there's no effort to build community or solidarity, that might be by design. It keeps you from comparing notes on what's "normal" and what's actually problematic. It keeps you thinking maybe you're the problem, instead of recognizing that the problem is a systemic one, that's affecting others in a similar way.

So, how do you actually practice accountability in a way that empowers you? Here are five strategies to consider: 

Strategy #1: Start with controlling the controllables. When things feel overwhelming or unfair, your thoughts start to spiral. You're wondering about what might happen in the future if this were to continue, whether things will ever change, or whether you should just give up. This is the moment to take some deep breaths and ask yourself: what is actually in my control right now?

You can't control other people's behavior. You can't control whether or not your hard work will get recognized. You can't necessarily control outcomes in the short-term, but 

• You can control whom you spend your time with. Seek out allies, mentors, and other women in other organizations who get it. Build relationships with people who see your value even if your immediate manager doesn't. 

• You can control what habits you cultivate. Are you documenting your achievements? Are you practicing speaking up in meetings? Are you setting healthy professional boundaries? 

• You can control what tasks you include in your daily routine. Are you prioritizing work that aligns with your goals? Or are you just responding to everyone else's demands? 

This might sound insignificant, but when your professional life feels completely out of control, you do have agency to take action on these types of controllable elements.

Strategy #2: Take care of your foundation. When you can't control outcomes, focus on taking care of yourself. First and foremost, get enough sleep. You need your cognitive resources for strategic thinking and for navigating the political landscape of your workplace. Then, be sure you are fueling yourself with healthy meals. I know this sounds basic, but low blood sugar makes everything feel like a crisis. Then, when things feel overwhelming, clear your head by taking a walk outside. Physical movement interrupts mental spirals and helps you process emotions without getting stuck in them. And keep busy doing those lingering tasks that you've been putting off. There's something about accomplishing small, concrete things that breeds confidence and reminds you that you can, in fact, make things happen. 

Strategy #3: Make small, controllable changes. Do not try to overhaul your entire life or career all at once. That's overwhelming, and it's a recipe for disaster. It sets you up to feel like a failure when you can't maintain it. Instead, reflect on what you would like your ideal day to look like. Not your ideal career or your ideal life—just your ideal day. What would you do in the morning? How would your day unfold? What activities would occupy your time in the evening? 

Now, see if you can make one small part of your ideal day a reality this week. Maybe in your ideal day, you start with ten minutes of journaling instead of immediately checking your work email. Try that for a week. Just one small thing. Once that feels natural, add another small change. Maybe you take a real lunch break and go for a short walk instead of eating at your desk. Build slowly to ensure it's sustainable. 

This works because small wins create confidence in your ability to change your circumstances. Every time you successfully implement a small change, you're proving to yourself that you do have some control, and that you're not completely at the mercy of external forces. And that's incredibly powerful. 

Strategy #4: Create rituals and routines. This is especially critical these days because the boundaries between work and personal life have become increasingly blurred, especially if you're working remotely or you have a hybrid combination. Without rituals, we're always half in work mode, never fully present anywhere, but never fully disengaged, either.

Create a check-in ritual before work—something that takes five to ten minutes and helps you transition into professional mode. Maybe it's reviewing your top three priorities for the day, maybe it's a specific playlist you listen to, or maybe it's making your coffee in a particular way. It doesn't matter what it is; what matters is that it signals to your brain that you're entering work time. 

Then, create a shutdown ritual after work. Something that helps you leave work behind mentally. Maybe it's changing out of your work clothes, maybe it's going for a walk, or maybe it's closing your laptop with intention and saying out loud, "I'm done for today". Again, this specific ritual matters less than ensuring you do it consistently. 

Why does this matter for accountability? Because we like knowing what comes next. It gives us a sense of safety and security. And when you feel safe and grounded, you're so much better at holding yourself accountable to your own standards instead of just reacting to whatever chaos the day throws at you.

Strategy #5: Encourage accountability in others. Now, this is where things get delicate because you don't want to be seen as "difficult". But you also can't change a culture of low accountability by staying silent and hoping others will magically step up. 

Start by asking clarifying questions like, "Can you help me understand what success looks like for this project?". Document agreements by saying something like, "Just to confirm, we agreed that X is the priority—is that correct? Great. I'll send a follow-up email so we're on the same page." Address missed commitments factually, not emotionally. "We agreed on this deadline. It's now past that deadline. What support do you need to complete this and when can I expect it?" Focus on impact, not blame. By saying something like, "When deliverables aren't met, it creates these [specific consequences] for the team. How can we prevent that going forward?".

Notice that you're not being accusatory and you're not being aggressive, but you're also not being a pushover. You're creating clarity. And most of the time, people will actually rise to meet clear expectations because they want to do good work. They've just been operating in systems that don't give them the structure to do it. 

Holding yourself accountable creates options. When you know your worth and you have evidence of your capabilities because you've been tracking them, you're not trapped. You can negotiate from a position of strength. You can walk away from situations that don't serve you. 

The people who feel most stuck are often the ones who've outsourced their sense of their own value entirely to external validation, so they don't trust themselves to know when it's time to make a move. 

Accountability can be your superpower, not because it makes other people see you, but because it helps you see yourself clearly, honestly, and with the expectation that you're capable of so much more than settling for scraps.

And in a world that may never fully see you the way you deserve to be seen, that clarity of vision about yourself, that's everything. 

And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Reclaiming Your Power Through Accountability at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode two hundred and twenty-eight.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com. 

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.  

Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.