218. Standing Your Ground Without Losing Your Cool
- May 14
- 15 min read
When someone talks over us or makes wildly inappropriate comments in professional settings, we face an impossible choice between staying silent to keep the peace or speaking up and risking being labeled difficult, but the truth is we get more of what we tolerate. Taking the high road doesn't mean becoming a doormat—it means standing firm in our values while maintaining our integrity.
We've internalized the idea that taking the high road means staying silent, that setting boundaries or speaking up makes you difficult, aggressive, or a troublemaker.
Are you tired of being talked over in meetings or having your ideas dismissed, only to hear them repeated by someone else moments later to enthusiastic agreement? Are you stuck in the impossible debate of whether to call out disrespectful behavior and risk being labeled ‘difficult’, or let it slide and resent yourself for not speaking up? Are you ready to stop tolerating microaggressions, interruptions, and boundary violations at work without sacrificing your professionalism or losing your cool?
You'll learn that taking the high road doesn't mean staying silent—it means standing firm in your values while maintaining your integrity, and that tact and boundaries can absolutely coexist when you know how to use them.
WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER
Why staying silent in the face of disrespect quietly erodes your credibility, influence, and self-esteem
4 practical tips to handle the most common scenarios including being talked over, calling out an inappropriate comment, needing time to process before responding, and addressing a clear boundary violation
Why setting clear boundaries isn't selfish but essential to your personal and professional integrity
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TRANSCRIPT
Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode two hundred and eighteen. I'm your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way.
Picture this. You're mid-sentence in a meeting when a colleague cuts you off again, or someone makes a comment so wildly inappropriate that the room goes quiet and everyone suddenly staring at their shoes in order to avoid making eye contact with you. Your heart starts racing, your face gets hot, and you're having that internal debate in your head we've all had a thousand times: Do you call it out and risk being labeled the 'difficult one', or do you let it slide and spend the rest of the day mentally drafting the perfect comeback you'll never actually get a chance to say. But, taking the high road doesn't mean letting people treat you like a doormat. It doesn't mean you have to smile sweetly while someone steamrolls over you or pretends their completely inappropriate comment was just a joke and you should learn to loosen up a little.
In this episode, we're talking about how to hold your ground when you're being talked over or disrespected, without escalating the situation or sacrificing your integrity in the process. It can be one of the most frustrating challenges women in STEM face—that moment when you have to decide whether to let something go or stand up for yourself, knowing that either choice comes with consequences. We're going to explore the beliefs that keep us trapped in silence, what it actually costs us when we don't speak up, and most importantly, the practical strategies you can use to hold your ground without losing your cool. Because the goal here isn't just to survive these interactions, it's to shift from being an easy target to becoming influential. And that requires a completely different approach than what most of us were taught.
Let's start with why this matters so much, because getting the recognition we deserve for all our hard work is already hard enough. We're not just fighting to be heard in meetings—we're fighting to be heard at all, because our voices are already being systematically minimized. When you're being talked over, dismissed, or subjected to inappropriate comments, it's not just annoying or unprofessional; it's actively undermining your credibility and your ability to advance in your career.
The microaggressions, the interruptions, and the boundary violations—they all compound over time. And each time it happens and you don't address it, you're teaching people that this is acceptable behavior when it comes to you. Because, as you may have already noticed, you get more of what you tolerate. You're essentially training them that your voice doesn't matter as much, that your boundaries are just suggestions, and that they can treat you in ways they'd never dream of treating people they actually respected.
Think about some of the typical scenarios we're dealing with here:
A colleague makes a comment that's so inappropriate you can't believe those words just came out of their mouth in a professional setting, and yet, no one says a thing or tries to put a stop to it.
Your ideas are dismissed in the moment, only to be repeated verbatim by someone else ten minutes later to enthusiastic agreement.
You're being redirected away from high visibility projects, undermined in front of clients, or systematically pushed to the background while others take credit for the work you actually did.
Unfortunately, these are the kinds of things that happen all the time. You know you should take the high road and stay tactful and professional. But you also know that silence equals acceptance, and you're not okay with accepting this behavior from anyone, especially at work. You don't want to escalate things or get a reputation for being difficult, but you also can't keep pretending that everything is fine when it clearly isn't.
The question becomes: How do you respond without backing down or blowing up?
The problem is that most of us are operating under beliefs that keep us trapped in this impossible situation. We've been taught—through our education, our training, cultural norms, and organizational expectations—that "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". We've internalized the idea that taking the high road means staying silent, that setting boundaries or speaking up makes you difficult, aggressive, or a troublemaker.
We've been told, both explicitly and implicitly, that our job is to keep the peace and maintain harmony, which somehow always seems to translate to us putting our own needs on the back burner for the sake of everyone else's comfort. And look, there is wisdom in not being someone who's always criticizing and complaining. Nobody wants to be around that person. In situations where you're not being asked for your feedback, and especially if there's nothing to be done to change a situation, it is often better to keep your opinions to yourself.
But, here's where that wisdom gets weaponized against us. There are times when you do have to say something, like when you're asked directly what you think, when someone disrespects you, or when someone says something completely inappropriate that you don't want to just let go—these are the moments when your silence isn't wisdom, it's self-abandonment.
These beliefs we've internalized tend to undermine our growth in ways we don't always recognize. They train us to override our body's physical signals that something is wrong. You know that feeling—that tightness in your chest, the knot in your stomach, or the tension you feel in your shoulders. Your body is literally screaming at you that something is off, and we've been so well-trained to ignore it, that we push through and pretend everything is fine.
These beliefs keep us feeling invisible. They reinforce how we've been taught to put our own needs last, which means we lose opportunities to shift from being the behind the scenes support to a central player. We internalize that our voice doesn't matter, that our contributions are less valuable, and that we should just be grateful to be in the room at all. And that's exactly how you stay stuck.
Here's the reframe we desperately need. Taking the high road means standing firm in your values, not staying silent in the face of disrespect. Tact and boundaries can absolutely coexist—you can acknowledge and address the disrespect shown to you while still respecting yourself.
Setting boundaries isn't selfish; it's essential to your personal and professional integrity. It's what you need to do your job well without sacrificing your energy and burning out in the process. And speaking up strategically is a sign of strength, not aggression. There's a massive difference between being aggressive and being assertive, and yet, somehow it can feel like a very thin line. We've been taught to fear that line so much that we end up nowhere near it, staying safely in the territory of being completely accommodating and entirely invisible.
Now, let's talk about what it actually costs you when you stay silent, because I think we tend to minimize this. Professionally, when you don't address these situations in the moment, you remain in the background while others advance. You're continually overlooked for leadership opportunities because you're not seen as someone who commands a room or stands up for themselves. Your influence and authority erode with each violation you don't address because people learn—consciously or unconsciously—that they can dismiss you without consequence.
And here's what really stings: you watch people who are less qualified, with less experience, and frankly, less competent than you get promoted, get the interesting projects, and get the recognition simply because they're more comfortable taking up space and demanding to be taken seriously.
But the personal consequences are even more damaging in the long run. You burn out from the exhaustion of constantly suppressing your needs. It may surprise you to learn that a lot of this burnout is actually about your lack of boundaries, not just your excessive workload. Your resentment builds, but you learn to bury that and push through. Your self-esteem takes hit after hit from not standing up for yourself, again and again and again.
And here's what most people don't realize: you're not just carrying this one experience. This one just gets added onto the pile that went unaddressed and unhealed over the years. Each violation that you don't address adds weight to the next one, until you find yourself having a disproportionately strong reaction to something that might seem minor to everyone else, but for you, it's the last straw in a series of violations that have been building over time. And then you have to look at yourself in the mirror and answer the question you've been avoiding: Why didn't I stand up for myself, yet again?
A pattern forms when we stay silent. Each time you don't address it, the boundary gets more porous. Others learn they can talk over you, dismiss you, take credit for your work, and face zero consequences because you won't say anything and no one else does either. Eventually, you realize that the way you've been working is not working for you. But by that point, you're so depleted and resentful that it feels impossible to change the dynamic. And those scars from past manipulations—the times you were gaslit, the times someone lied directly to your face, or the times you were made to feel crazy for even suggesting that what happened was inappropriate—they make each new violation feel heavier, more personal, and more impossible to address.
Here are six red flags to watch out for that actually make things worse for you in a professional setting:
Avoid overcompensating with aggression. When you've been silent for so long and you finally snap, you risk swinging from complete silence to explosive anger, which can destroy the reputation you've worked so hard to build, in mere seconds.
Stop apologizing for having boundaries. The minute you preface communicating your boundary with the words, "I'm sorry, but...", you've already undermined your position. You're signaling that you think your boundary is an imposition rather than a reasonable request.
Don't back down when they test you—and they will test you. Some people will pretend they didn't do it, lie to your face, or straight-up gaslight you about what happened. They're counting on you backing down to avoid the discomfort of standing up to them and calling out what they just said or did.
Stop making it your job to comfort them when you call them out. Fight that instinct to soothe their awkwardness or make them feel better about the fact that you just had to tell them that their behavior was inappropriate. It's not your job to make them feel comfortable in their discomfort. Let them be. That's theirs to manage.
Don't be vague about what you need or assume they should already know. If you aren't clear about your boundaries, you'll only discover them after they've been crossed, which puts you in a reactive position rather than a proactive one.
Inconsistent enforcement destroys the integrity of your word. If you set a boundary and then don't follow through with what you said you'd do if it happened again, you've taught everyone that your boundaries are merely suggestions that can be ignored.
Along with those red flags we've just covered, watch out for these manipulation tactics, because some people are masters at this. They'll project their issues onto you, making their behavior your problem somehow. They'll attempt to discredit you or make you feel silly for setting the boundary in the first place. They'll make you question what you saw or heard happen, deploying their charm and wit to cover up their deceit. And if you're not prepared for these tactics, you'll find yourself backing down even when you know you're right, simply because the cognitive dissonance is so uncomfortable.
Here's how you shift from being an easy target to being more influential. Start by recognizing the signs you tend to overlook. Your body is physically letting you know something is off through constriction, tightness, or a churning stomach. You feel intimidated, trapped, anxious, or angry. Your muscles tighten when you even think about speaking up. You find yourself silently ruminating about what just happened instead of addressing it, playing out conversations in your head that you'll never actually have. These are all signals that something needs to change.
The mindset shift required here is significant because it requires undoing patterns from your education, your training, and cultural norms that may have been reinforced your entire life. Boundary setting creates safety and support—it actually helps you feel protected rather than exposed. Healthy boundaries are what you need to do your job well without sacrificing your energy. They're what allow you to perform at a high-level without being taken advantage of.
Use your body's wisdom here. Do your own emotional inventory. Use the data your body provides to name the emotions that are arising. Notice that when you're comfortable with the boundary you've set, your muscles relax and you can breathe more deeply. When you're not comfortable with it, your boundaries tighten and your stomach churns. Use these signals to decipher what boundary you need to set.
Now, let's get practical. Here are four common scenarios and some suggestions for how to handle them:
What do you actually say in the moment when someone talks over you?
Try a direct redirect like, "I wasn't finished. As I was saying...", and then continue with your point. Or, "Let me complete my thought. Then I'd love to hear from you." Notice these aren't questions, they're strong statements. And then, just continue talking. Eventually they'll get the point.
Try a calm reclaiming approach like, "Hold on—I want to make sure my point lands before we move on", or simply, "I'm going to finish this point". The key is to say it calmly and again, continue speaking. Don't wait for permission. Don't apologize. Just reclaim your power.
When someone makes an inappropriate comment, you have options for expressing your displeasure tactfully.
Try, "That's an interesting choice of words", or, "I'm not sure that landed the way you intended", or, my personal favorite, "Help me understand what you mean by that". That last one is particularly effective because it forces them to explain themselves, and often in that explanation, they realize just how inappropriate they're being.
If you want to be more direct try, "That doesn't work for me" or, "That comment isn't appropriate for this setting". Notice the absence of an apology or softening language. You're simply stating a fact.
When you need some time to process what just happened—and sometimes you will—it's completely fine to say something like:
"Now is not a good time, so I'll reach out when it's better for me" or, "I need time to reflect on what just happened. I'll get back to you when I've had a chance to digest it all." This gives you space to figure out how you want to respond, rather than reacting in the moment when your emotions are running hot.
When your boundaries are violated, you have three main options:
You can ignore it, act like it never happened, and then, unfortunately, it will absolutely continue to happen.
You can state that whatever was said or done is a deal breaker for you, and abruptly end the discussion, though this is rarely appropriate in a professional environment and tends to leave people confused (and beware that their version of the events will more than likely negatively affect your reputation).
You can have a conversation with the people involved to gather more information and clarify their intent before deciding what you'll do as a result of their behavior.
This third option is usually your best approach because it allows you to stay curious and potentially find a path forward together, while still maintaining the integrity of your boundary.
In order to make this easier on you, before situations arise, get clear on your preferences, your limits, and your lines in the sand. Have your phrases ready so you're not scrambling to find the words in the moment when your adrenaline is pumping. Practice saying them out loud so they feel natural coming out of your mouth.
During this situation, remember that you can physically remove yourself, if needed, to reset. Remember that how they react is completely out of your control. The success of your boundary-setting isn't dependent on their response. It's about whether you were true to yourself while also being compassionate and fair to them.
After the situation, give yourself some grace. You're taking a big step from being unaware of the need for boundaries or ignoring those you've set, to knowing what they are, articulating them, and trying to enforce them on people who have gotten used to you letting everything go. Don't expect perfection because this takes time and practice.
Ask yourself: In this particular situation, what did I actually want and what's the best way to proceed? Also, check-in with yourself by asking: Why am I having such a strong reaction? Is this bringing up similar experiences from my past where someone violated an agreed upon boundary and then lied about doing so? Sometimes, your strong reaction is about more than just this current situation because you may have many more instances that went unaddressed and unhealed.
Now, let's talk about what people tend to overlook in these types of situations because these five insights are critical:
Not enforcing your boundaries has lasting effects on your self-esteem. The damage compounds over time in ways that are hard to repair.
Others may resist your new boundaries. They might be used to you letting everything go, but remember, their discomfort or disappointment with your new approach is not your problem to solve.
Sometimes they won't even notice that you've set a boundary, and that's actually okay. The boundary is for you, not for them to acknowledge.
The boundary you set might need some adjustment. Sometimes, realizing it needs to be strengthened is better than rigidly enforcing something as a deal breaker when there might be room for a conversation. You're changing, they're changing, and over time your boundaries will change, too. Just because you feel a certain way now doesn't mean you'll always feel that way, and that's okay.
Trust is earned. Try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but be prepared that some people are masters of manipulation and will avoid personal responsibility at all costs.
And here's something else that people seem to miss. You don't always have to express an opinion. Sometimes saying, "I haven't thought much about it" is the perfectly tactful high road that allows you to avoid expressing an opinion and it might just be the right call, depending on the situation.
You don't want to make the situation worse, and tact goes a long way. But—and this is important—there's a massive difference between choosing tactful silence on something that doesn't matter that much to you, and staying silent when someone has genuinely disrespected you or crossed a line.
You can express your displeasure tactfully without being a doormat. Being tactful means you acknowledge disrespect while still respecting yourself and others. It's less about being nice—it's more about being effective. It's about having a phrase that allows you to express your opinion or call them out in a tactful way without escalating things unnecessarily. This is the wisdom we need to internalize.
Think about the long game here. Yes, there's short-term discomfort in having a challenging conversation where you hold your ground. But that can lead to the long-term satisfaction of knowing that you stood up for yourself while keeping your integrity intact.
Here's the bottom line: Taking the high road doesn't mean staying silent. It means standing firm in your values while maintaining your integrity. You don't have to choose between being walked over and being aggressive. There's a powerful middle ground where you can be both tactful and firm, while being both professional and unapologetic about your boundaries.
Setting boundaries takes courage, time, and practice. It's going to feel awkward and uncomfortable at first, especially if you're someone who has tended to let everything go. You might feel anxious, vulnerable, or upset as you practice setting and maintaining your boundaries, and that's completely normal. Getting better at this takes time.
Once you're clear on what your body's signals are telling you, and what you need and want, navigating issues with other people becomes more straightforward. It's never simple, and let's be honest about that. But it can get easier.
Each experience is a lesson learned that has contributed to you finding the courage to stand up for yourself now. Each of those painful interactions from your past has prepared you for recognizing and articulating exactly what is out of alignment in this current situation.
Stop tolerating what you shouldn't. Start holding your ground. Because you're not here to be taken advantage of and it's time to make that crystal clear—calmly, professionally, and without losing your cool in the process.
And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Standing Your Ground at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode two hundred and eighteen.
Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.
Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.
