214. Imagine Not Always Being on the Defensive

Many of us have become experts at defensive career management, spending our energy anticipating and deflecting barriers rather than advancing. We explore the hidden costs of staying in survival mode and the toxic patterns that quietly keep us stuck. Recognizing what is within our control empowers us to build the careers we actually want.

While the past cannot be changed, you can always choose how to shape your future. You have the potential for transformation, healing, and positive impact even after enduring mistreatment.

Are you exhausted from constantly defending your technical decisions and bracing for unfair criticism at work? Are you watching less-qualified colleagues advance while you remain stuck in survival mode? Are you trading short-term relief for long-term career stagnation by staying quiet to avoid conflict?

You'll learn that shifting from survival mode to a position of strength is possible right now, by reframing your mindset from victim to empowered survivor and focusing on what you can actually control.

WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER

• Why staying in defensive mode comes at a cost where it that can quietly erode your sense of self

• 6 practical strategies to shift out of survival mode and start engineering your career from a position of strength

• Why the toxic patterns you've developed to cope may have helped you survive, but may be actively preventing you from thriving

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TRANSCRIPT

Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode two hundred and fourteen. I'm your host, Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way. 

What if your career was defined by what you're actively building towards, rather than what you're protecting yourself from? For some of us, that sounds almost laughably optimistic, especially if you've been working in engineering or any STEM field for more than about five minutes. Because most of us have become experts at defensive career management. 

We've mastered the art of documenting everything just in case, preemptively defending our technical decisions, and bracing ourselves for the inevitable moment when someone implies that it's us not pulling our weight as a way to distract from their own slacking. But here's what I want you to consider today: what if all that energy you're spending on protecting yourself could be redirected toward actually advancing? What if the problem isn't just the barriers we face, but the fact that we've organized our entire day around anticipating and deflecting them? 

In this episode, we're talking about shifting from survival mode to going after what we want, and why that shift matters more than you might think. We're going to dig into what it actually looks like to engineer your career from a position of strength. We'll talk about the reality of why so many of us stay stuck in survival mode and explore the hidden costs of staying in that defensive position, both professionally and personally, and some of them might surprise you. 

There are some reframes that can help you shift from feeling like you're at the mercy of your circumstances to recognizing that you're a survivor who has choices, with some concrete strategies for making it easier on yourself to do what feels right for you. Focusing on what's actually within your control instead of getting overwhelmed by everything that isn't.

Let's start by naming what we're actually dealing with here. Many of us are doing the same work, or frankly, better work than our colleagues, and watching them get promoted, praised, and paid more for the same job. We're constantly navigating unconscious bias that somehow is a convenient excuse to keep doing what they've always done because, well, it's unconscious, after all. 

And the exhaustion of always being 'on guard'? That's real. You're constantly anticipating pushback and preparing your defence against unfair accusations. You walk into a design review already steeling yourself for someone to question your methodology in a way they would never question that of your male colleague. You just know that you're going to have to defend your technical decisions more rigorously, provide more documentation, and show more proof that what you did was the right decision. And you do it because that's the game, right? As we continue to be told, that's just how it is. 

Except here's what happens when we normalize these toxic patterns. We start making compromises that don't serve us. We trade short-term relief for long-term career stagnation. Staying quiet feels safer than making waves, so we do it. Not speaking up in the moment feels less risky than potentially being labeled 'difficult', so we swallow our expertise and we watch inferior solutions get implemented.

We develop coping mechanisms that actually contribute to the problem. We over-prepare to the point of burnout. We contort ourselves to fit in. We become the reliable workhorse instead of the visible innovator because at least being indispensable feels like a form of job security. 

We all create these types of patterns in our lives when we trade short-term relief from the discomfort for long-term pain. It's not unique to us, but the professional context we're operating in makes it particularly damaging. Because when the environment is genuinely challenging, it's hard to distinguish between healthy self-protection and patterns that are actually keeping us stuck. 

So, before we go any further, I want you to try something. Imagine you wake up tomorrow and a miracle has happened overnight. All your career challenges have dissolved. What does your work life look like now? How do you show up differently? What are you spending your energy on instead of defending yourself? What would you be creating, leading, or innovating if you weren't in constant protection mode? I want you to spend a few minutes actually thinking about that. 

Your answer to this question could be your first step toward change. When you get clarity on what you actually want, you can start taking practical steps toward it today, rather than waiting for the perfect boss or the perfect work culture that, let's be honest, is pretty hard to come by.

This question brings your imagination into play and helps you break free from fixating on your problems and instead focus on positive outcomes. It guides you toward actionable goals and clarifies what you truly want from your career. 

And I know what some of you are thinking: this is nice and all, but I need to deal with reality, not fantasies. But that's exactly my point. Gaining a clearer picture of what you want makes it much easier to achieve it.

It's pretty tough to find an appropriate solution if you haven't defined the problem you're actually trying to solve. And for most of us, the problem isn't, "How do I survive this environment?". It's more like, "How do I build the career I actually want, despite this environment?". See the difference? One keeps you stuck in survival mode, the other gives you agency. 

There are also many recurring thoughts that keep us stuck because we convince ourselves they sound so reasonable:

• I could have a great career if it weren't for what others put me through. 

• If only there weren't so many barriers in my way. 

• If only people would behave differently because I'm so tired of dealing with stupid. 

• I just don't have the strength to keep fighting this because it's always the same. 

Sound familiar? I've had every single one of those thoughts, and I bet you have, too. 

Here's the reframe: you've been victimized by unfair systems and toxic behaviors, but you're not a victim. This distinction matters. You've faced real barriers. You've endured real mistreatment. You've been on the receiving end of real bias and discrimination. All of that is true. But what's also true is that you're stronger than you think and you always have choices. 

Many of us spend years wishing things were different. I know I did. We wish our managers would recognize our contributions. We wish our colleagues would stop getting in our way. We wish the system was fair. And you know what? It's true, things should be different. But it's not until you accept that this is how things are right now and start looking for ways to overcome those roadblocks to make things work to your advantage that real change begins. 

You can accept that this is challenging while also looking for ways to make it easier on yourself. Both can be true. You can acknowledge, yes, my manager consistently overlooks my contributions and start documenting your achievements and building visibility with other leaders in your organization. You can recognize, yes, this team culture is toxic and begin building a supportive network with people on other teams or in other companies. 

When you think this is just how it is and there's nothing I can do, you stay stuck. But when you accept reality and get creative about your response, that's where your power lies.

And here's what people often overlook: it's not a lack of strength that keeps you stuck; it's the belief that you lack strength. When you look back at all you've accomplished thus far, you recognize that you've developed strength and it's evidence that you're stronger than you think you are. You don't need to know how you're going to handle whatever is coming at you in the next five years, you just need to handle today. And then tomorrow, trust that you'll handle what comes your way then, too. This is how resilience actually builds, not through some heroic burst of strength, but through consistent small choices to just keep doing what you're doing. 

Staying in survival mode is costing you, and I think some of these consequences sneak up on us. Professionally, you experience career stagnation while less qualified colleagues advance. You miss opportunities because you're too depleted to pursue them. You become known as the reliable workhorse instead of the strategic thinker. And you risk developing a reputation for being difficult or not a team player when you finally do speak up, because you've been so quiet for so long that any assertion of your needs feels aggressive by contrast. 

And the personal costs are even steeper. Chronic stress and burnout affect your health. You lose passion for work you once loved. You isolate yourself from colleagues because authentic connection feels too risky. You take the frustration home, and it affects your relationships and your sense of self. I've seen brilliant engineers become shells of themselves, going through the motions, counting down to retirement twenty years too early. 

The toxic patterns you've developed to cope may have helped you survive, but they're not helping you thrive. And unfortunately, you get more of what you tolerate. The more your needs don't get met, the worse it gets. If you tolerate being talked over, you'll get talked over more. If you tolerate having your ideas stolen, it will just keep happening. If you tolerate being underpaid and letting your efforts go unrecognized, that pattern will also continue. Not because you deserve it, because, let me assure you, you absolutely don't, but because you have inadvertently taught people that this is acceptable treatment.

Here are five things to watch out for in your professional environment that might be making things worse for you, without you even realizing it: 

1. Watch out for making excuses for the behavior of others. This is when you notice behavior that makes you uncomfortable, but you give people just one more chance instead of trusting your instincts. In professional settings, this might look like making excuses for the team lead who somehow always assigns you the grunt work while giving the high-visibility projects to others. And here's what makes this so hard. We're thwarted by lifelong narratives where we think, "Who am I for thinking I can set a boundary?". We wonder if we're asking too much for simply wanting respect. We know what constitutes unacceptable behavior, but we feel like somehow we just have to take it because it's part of the job. 

2. Watch out for gaslighting in real-time. When you raise concerns and hear 'you're too sensitive' or 'that's not what happened' or 'you're imagining things', that's gaslighting. Recognize this pattern immediately. It's designed to make you doubt your own professional judgment. And it works, doesn't it? You start second-guessing yourself. Maybe you are being too sensitive. Maybe you did misunderstand. Except you didn't. Trust yourself. It takes two to make gaslighting effective. 

3. Watch out for future-faking from leadership. These are promises of promotions, visibility, or support that never materialize, but keep you hanging on and working harder. It might sound like, "Next review cycle we'll definitely talk about that promotion", or "Once this project wraps up, you'll get more recognition", or "We're working on improving the culture around here, so give it time". Meanwhile, nothing changes except you're working yourself into the ground for promises that evaporate the moment you try to collect on them. 

4. Watch out for the enablers. These are the colleagues who witness unfair treatment but tell you to 'just let it go' or 'that's just how he is'. These people protect the toxic pattern. They might even be well-meaning, but they're asking you to tolerate the intolerable so they don't have to feel uncomfortable about doing nothing to dismantle the dysfunction they're witnessing. I hate to admit it, but I made those excuses for people more times than I can count. 

5. Watch out for them wearing you down. This is where you find yourself questioning whether you have any right to hold a boundary, or wondering if you're asking too much for simply wanting some semblance of fairness. When you start internalizing other people's bad behavior as somehow being your fault, that's a red flag that your environment is eroding your sense of what's acceptable. 

Okay, so we've covered a lot of heavy stuff. Let's talk about why this work actually matters and what you have to gain from shifting out of survival mode. When you develop toxic resistance, you become more knowledgeable, self-aware, wise, courageous, and discerning in your own professional relationships. You learn to identify unacceptable behavior without waiting for someone else to acknowledge that what they did was out of line. You can spot the manipulation quickly and protect yourself accordingly. 

And what you may not realize is that these struggles you've been through have actually made you stronger. I know that sounds like a platitude, but bear with me. You've learned valuable lessons the hard way, through dealing with difficult people and navigating impossible situations. You wouldn't be where you are today without those challenges that forced you to develop new skills and approaches. You have tools in your toolkit that your colleagues who've merely coasted through will never have. 

You also gain the ability to see opportunities in adversity. Looking at what you've survived from a different perspective helps you naturally reexamine things and learn to do things differently. Maybe you learned to build alliances across departments because your own team was hostile. Maybe you developed incredible documentation skills because you had to cover yourself from unfair accusations. Maybe you became an expert at presenting technical information to non-technical audiences because you were always having to justify your decisions. These aren't just survival skills; they're genuinely valuable professional competencies and it's helpful to see them in that light. 

And perhaps most importantly, when you break toxic patterns, even though it's incredibly tough and it often gets worse before it gets better, you set yourself free. You liberate yourself from the confusion that erodes your self-confidence. You stop letting other people's dysfunction dictate your professional trajectory. That freedom is worth the discomfort of change. 

So, how do you actually make the shift out of survival mode? Here are six practical strategies for you to consider putting into action: 

1. Stay curious. Instead of asking, "Why is this happening to me, again?", ask "What's next for me?". This shifts your mindset out of the victim mentality. Curiosity about your future helps you see possibilities rather than just problems. Even when you're going through tough times, try to learn new things about yourself. What are you discovering about your resilience? What are you learning about what you will and won't tolerate? What strengths are you developing that you didn't know you had? 

2. Practice radical acceptance while seeking workarounds. Accept that this is challenging while also looking for ways to make it easier on yourself. You can acknowledge the reality of your situation and simultaneously work to change it. These aren't contradictory positions. When you think that this is just how it is and there's nothing I can do, you tend to stay stuck. But when you accept reality and get creative about your response, that's when you exercise your power. Maybe you can't change your manager's behavior, but you can start building relationships with other leaders who might become advocates for you. Maybe you can't fix the team culture, but you can set boundaries around your time and energy.

3. Let go of your frustration and anger for your own well-being. This one is hard and I want to be clear about what I'm saying. Forgiveness doesn't mean that what they did was okay. It means deciding you're going to devote your time and energy to more positive things going forward. Letting go of your frustration and anger is pivotal to cultivating your own peace of mind. You're not excusing their behavior; you're refusing to let it consume your mental energy. Because staying angry at your terrible manager or toxic colleague doesn't hurt them; it hurts you. They're probably sleeping just fine while you're up at night rehashing that meeting where they undermined you, yet again. 

4. Identify and change your toxic patterns. Notice when you're trading short-term relief for long-term pain. Are you staying quiet to avoid conflict right now, even though it's probably going to contribute to long-term career stagnation? Are you saying yes to every request to be seen as a team player even though it's leading you down the road to burnout? Catch yourself and change what you're doing that's contributing to the misery you're experiencing. 

5. Focus on what's within your control. This is perhaps the most important strategy. You can't control whether your manager recognizes your great work, but you can control whether you're building relationships with other department heads. You can't control the company culture, but you can control setting boundaries about what you're willing to give. You can't control whether you get the promotion, but you can develop the skills that make you more marketable elsewhere. You reclaim your power when you focus on what you can do instead of wishing others would behave differently. 

6. Decide what success looks like for you. Your success doesn't have to look like anyone else's. It doesn't have to be climbing the corporate ladder if it seems that that ladder is propped against the wrong wall. Maybe success is building expertise that makes you invaluable as a subject matter expert. Maybe it's creating a more sustainable work-life balance. Maybe it's doing something else entirely. You get to decide. 

Healing requires acknowledging and working through what you're feeling instead of burying it. You have to face what you've experienced and choose to grow from it. This isn't about dwelling in the victim mentality; it's about deciding to confront your professional past directly so it doesn't unconsciously drive your future. If you don't process what's happened to you in that toxic job or with that terrible manager, you'll carry those patterns into your next role. You'll be defensive when it's not warranted. You'll miss opportunities because you're still protecting yourself from ghosts. 

The best protection is to equip ourselves with tools of hope, resilience, and responsibility not just to survive, but to shape our future and prevent the repetition of the same types of adversity we've already endured. You're not just healing from past harm; you're building immunity to future toxicity. 

When you develop this kind of toxic resistance, you get better at spotting the red flags early. You trust your instincts faster. You set boundaries sooner. You no longer give people the benefit of the doubt when they've shown you exactly who they are. This is how you break the cycle. 

Remember, you have the power of choice. You can see yourself as a survivor, not a victim. While the past cannot be changed, you can always choose how to shape your future. You have the potential for transformation, healing, and positive impact, even after enduring mistreatment. If I had to guess, you've already survived things that could have broken you. That proves something. 

Access your inner strength. Remain open to possibility. Be kind to yourself and others as you navigate these challenges. The struggles you've faced have equipped you with knowledge, resilience, and a clarity about what matters that many people never develop. 

Your career doesn't have to be defined by what you're protecting yourself from. It can be defined by what you're boldly moving toward. And that shift from defensive to strategic, from surviving to thriving, from victimized to empowered, that's available to you right now. Not someday when the system is fixed or when you have a better manager or when the workplace culture improves. Right now. Today. With the circumstances you currently have. 

So, go back to that question we started with. What would your career look like if you weren't in survival mode? Now ask yourself: what's one small thing I can do today to move toward that vision? Not tomorrow. Not next week. Today. Because that's how change happens, not through grand gestures or perfect circumstances, but through consistent small choices that align with who you want to become and what you want to build. 

And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download your Guide to Engineering Your Career From Strength at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode two hundred and fourteen.

Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com. 

If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.  

Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.