213. Preparing in Advance for Tough Interactions
- 10 hours ago
- 14 min read
Avoiding difficult workplace conversations puts a target on our backs and allows bullying and bias to continue unchecked. By learning to navigate these situations strategically, we can protect our professional credibility, mental health, and career advancement. Emotional rehearsal gives us a practical way to prepare in advance so we can respond with clarity and confidence when it matters most.
You maintain your professional credibility. You set the boundary or make the point you needed to make, and you walk away feeling empowered instead of defeated, even if the other person didn't respond the way you hoped they would.
Are you constantly being interrupted, talked over, or having your ideas taken credit for in the workplace? Are you avoiding a difficult conversation because you fear being labeled ‘difficult’, ‘emotional’, or ’not a team player’? Are you exhausted from swallowing your frustration and wondering whether speaking up is even worth the risk?
You'll learn that emotional rehearsal — mentally and emotionally preparing for tough workplace interactions before they happen — can help you show up grounded and professional rather than reactive, so you walk away feeling empowered no matter how the other person responds.
WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER
Why staying silent in the face of workplace bullying and bias carries far greater personal and professional consequences than learning to speak up strategically
7 behaviors to avoid that actively escalate workplace conflict, plus a 4-step framework to help you prepare for and navigate difficult conversations
Why building genuine courage through repeated action is what makes you a less easy target and propels your career forward
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TRANSCRIPT
Welcome to the Stop Sabotaging Your Success podcast, episode two hundred and thirteen. I'm your host Cindy Esliger. This is the podcast focusing on what we can do today to take control of our careers and overcome the inevitable barriers to success that we encounter along the way.
Sometimes, it's better to face issues head on and in order to do this we have to prepare for those uncomfortable but necessary conversations that make your stomach drop, your heart race, and your brain go completely blank, right when you need it most. You know the ones I'm talking about—the interactions with that colleague who always manages to undermine you in meetings or keeps taking credit for your work. Confronting these types of people require conversations that are difficult and, let's be honest, our natural human instinct is to avoid them at all costs. But avoiding these conversations can actually put a bigger target on your back.
In this episode, we're going to acknowledge that workplace bullying is real and why it tends to continue when people don't learn to stand up for themselves. We'll talk about dealing with bias, microaggressions, and dismissive behavior without losing your mind or your cool, and I'll give you a framework for navigating these situations strategically. This requires getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, because discomfort is actually a sign of growth, not a sign you're doing something wrong. I'm going to walk you through the actual process of emotional rehearsal—how to mentally and emotionally prepare for the tough interactions ahead of time so you can show up as the mature, level-headed professional you want to be seen as, instead of the reactive, emotional stereotype they're probably expecting.
If you've been in this industry for a while, you know that workplace bullying is absolutely real, especially in male-dominated fields like engineering and STEM. And it doesn't look like the stereotypical bully from elementary school.
It looks like being consistently interrupted in meetings, or being excluded from important email chains or informal after work gatherings where real decisions get made. It looks like microaggressions delivered with a smile, dismissive comments about your expertise, or being constantly underestimated despite your credentials and track record.
And here's what makes it particularly insidious: bullies continue targeting people who don't learn to stand up for themselves. I know that's hard to hear, but it's true. When you learn to confront the behavior—calmly, professionally, and strategically—they move on to easier targets. Bullies, whether they're conscious of it or not, are looking for someone who won't push back. The moment you become someone willing to confront their behavior, you become far less interesting to them.
Now, I know what you're thinking, "But if I speak up, won't that make things worse? Won't I be labeled as 'difficult' or 'emotional' or 'not a team player'?". And look, I get it. That fear is real and it's based on real experiences that many of us have had. But let's talk about what actually happens when you don't take advantage of what you can control in these situations.
If you don't stand up for yourself, you will continue to get exploited in some way. You become the go-to person for all the grunt work. You develop a reputation as someone who is a bit of a doormat, not someone who's ready for the next level. You experience burnout from constantly swallowing your frustration and managing everyone else's comfort at the expense of your own. You lose credibility and professional respect, and that's incredibly hard to rebuild once it's gone. And eventually, many women just don't want to put up with it anymore. They leave their jobs. Sometimes they leave the field entirely, taking all that talent and expertise somewhere else because it just doesn't feel worth it to them anymore.
You may begin to develop chronic anxiety about going to work. You carry around resentment that bleeds into your personal relationships because you can't actually leave work at work when you're constantly processing unfair treatment.
Your self-trust and confidence erode because you keep betraying yourself by not speaking up when you know you should. You might experience physical stress symptoms—headaches, insomnia, digestive issues—because your body is keeping score even when you're trying to pretend everything's fine. And perhaps worst of all, you develop this persistent feeling of powerlessness in your career, like you're just along for the ride, somewhat helpless, instead of actively steering your professional life.
So, when we talk about whether speaking up might have consequences, we have to weigh those potential negative ramifications against the very real impact of continued silence. And honestly, in my experience, the personal consequences of staying silent were far worse.
Let's talk about the beliefs that hold us back from having those difficult conversations. There are some common thought patterns that show up again and again. We think, "I should be able to handle this on my own" or "Confrontation will make things worse, not better". We tell ourselves we need to prove ourselves because it's hard enough being a woman in this field, so we can't afford to rock the boat. And here's the thing: these beliefs feel true. They feel protective, but they're actually holding you back in significant ways.
So, let's reframe them. Speaking up strategically doesn't make you 'difficult'. In fact, it makes you leadership material. Leaders address problems. They don't pretend everything's fine when it isn't. Handling situations alone that you shouldn't have to handle on your own isn't a sign of strength; it's actually poor professional judgment. Strategic confrontation often improves dynamics, while continued silence guarantees nothing will change. And yes, you may need to prove yourself more than your counterparts, which is unfair and frustrating. But part of proving yourself includes demonstrating that you can set boundaries and protect yourself when you need to.
And as for the idea that excellence should be enough, I wish it were true. I really do. But excellence without advocacy is often invisible, and unfortunately, it's frequently exploited. The women who advance in our fields aren't just excellent at their technical work; they're also willing to be visible, to speak up, and to advocate for themselves and their contributions.
Here's the growth mindset shift that I want you to internalize: discomfort is a sign of growth, not a sign you're doing something wrong. Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is genuinely a professional superpower. The challenge is to stop avoiding risk or giving in to the fear of failure. These types of strategic risks, like speaking up and confronting that type of inappropriate behavior, are what's necessary to make it stop. And yes, it's uncomfortable. Yes, it requires work and deliberately managing your thoughts. But the alternative is staying stuck. And staying stuck is its own kind of uncomfortable—it's just a more familiar discomfort, so we sometimes choose it by default.
Before we get into the actual strategy of emotional rehearsal, I want to make sure you know what to watch out for in professional settings that could actually make things worse for you.
Here are seven behaviors and patterns that don't just fail to help, they actively escalate the problem:
Apologizing excessively when you haven't actually done something wrong. This signals to others that you'll accept blame and that you're someone who can be pushed around.
Over-explaining your decisions to people who aren't entitled to that level of detail. When you over-justify yourself, you're implicitly communicating that your authority is questionable.
Accepting 'compliments' that are actually microaggressions without any pushback. When someone says, "Wow, you're really good at this, for a woman", or "You're so articulate", or "I'm surprised you understand the technical details so well" and you just smile and say thank you, you're reinforcing their biased assumptions.
Letting dismissive behavior slide repeatedly in meetings—like being talked over, interrupted, or having your input ignored. Each time this happens without any response from you, it becomes more entrenched as the norm.
Failing to document patterns of bias, exclusion, or undermining behavior. If it's not documented, it didn't happen—at least not in any way that you can use later to protect yourself or make a case for change, should you decide to pursue this further.
Isolating yourself instead of building strategic alliances with other women and allies. Isolation makes you vulnerable, period.
Matching their unprofessional behavior. Be aware that raising your voice, getting visibly emotional, or making it personal is a trap and you're playing into their hands. This is what they expect, and when this is exactly how you respond, you've just confirmed all their biases about emotional women who can't handle the pressure.
Now, let's talk about dealing with this type of behavior without losing your cool, because this is where a lot of us struggle. Sometimes, it feels like death by a thousand cuts with all that we have to tolerate—the microaggressions, the dismissive behavior, and being constantly underestimated. And the exhaustion of navigating bias, while also trying to do excellent technical work, is real.
People who don't experience this often say, "Just ignore it". But that doesn't work. Ignoring it actually costs you more energy because you're constantly suppressing your natural emotional response, and that suppression in itself is exhausting. So, instead of ignoring it, we need to learn how to navigate it effectively. Strategic navigation means knowing when to speak up, how to protect your energy, and what to document.
Here's when you should speak up:
when it affects your work, reputation or advancement directly;
when it establishes a pattern you know will continue;
when you have the energy and emotional bandwidth to engage effectively; and
when there's a reasonable chance it will create change or enforce a boundary.
You don't have to address every single microaggression. You really don't. Pick your battles based on impact and your available resources. Distinguish between someone being clueless versus someone being malicious, because your response strategy should be different for each. Decide what's worth your energy and what isn't—you have a finite amount and you get to decide how you spend it.
In terms of protecting your energy, build recovery practices into your routine. After a difficult interaction, give yourself permission to decompress. Maybe that's a walk outside. Maybe it's venting to a trusted friend. Or maybe it's a workout or engaging in a creative hobby that has nothing to do with work. Whatever it is, make it a non-negotiable part of your self-care.
And as for documentation, keep a running record of dates, times, witnesses, and specific language used. Document patterns of being excluded from meetings, emails, or opportunities. Record instances where your work was minimized or credit was taken. Note any retaliatory behavior after you've spoken up. Keep it factual, not emotional. Think of it as keeping a professional journal that could become evidence, if you ever need it.
So, what actually changes when you stop avoiding these difficult conversations and start addressing them head on? Well, you start to be seen as less of a doormat and more mature and more level-headed. You develop a reputation for being someone who can handle tough situations, which is exactly the reputation you need for advancement.
You build genuine confidence—not 'fake it 'til you make it' kind of confidence, but real confidence that comes from trusting yourself in difficult moments. You protect your mental health by not constantly swallowing injustice and pretending it doesn't bother you. You create space and set an example for other women coming up behind you. And, you discover that you're actually stronger than you think you are.
It's time to cultivate a new professional persona for yourself: one who is feisty, who has mental strength and knows when to use it. And I don't mean that you need to become someone you're not—I mean it's time to reveal and develop the strength that's already in you, but maybe you've been keeping hidden because you thought being agreeable was safer.
Here's what I want you to remember: we can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves stronger. It takes the same amount of effort and you're going to be uncomfortable either way. So, you might as well choose the path that makes you stronger.
Now, let's get into one strategy that might just change everything for you. Doing an emotional rehearsal is the practice of mentally and emotionally preparing yourself for tough interactions, ahead of time. The goal is to show up grounded instead of reactive or impulsive, when it matters most. This isn't about suppressing your emotions or pretending you don't feel what you feel. It's about processing these emotions in advance so they don't hijack you in the moment. This requires deliberate thought management, which takes work, but I promise you, it's worth it.
Step One: is recognizing what triggers you. You need to identify the specific behaviors, comments, or situations that set you off. Get really curious about where these triggers come from. Usually, they're rooted in past experiences that you wish you'd handled better in the moment. Maybe it's being interrupted, because in the past when you were interrupted, you just went silent and let it happen, and you've been beating yourself up about it ever since. Maybe it's having your expertise questioned, because there was a time when you doubted yourself and it showed, and now you're hypersensitive to any hint of doubt from others. Maybe it's being excluded, because you felt like an outsider before and it brought up those feelings of not belonging.
What you may not realize is that your body keeps score—notice where you feel these triggers physically. Is it a tightness in your chest? A knot in your stomach? Tension in your shoulders? Heat in your face? Getting familiar with your physical response is part of the early warning system that can help you catch yourself before you react in ways you'll regret.
Step Two: is examining the thought pattern underneath the trigger. What story are you telling yourself when this happens? If someone interrupts you, maybe the story is, "They don't respect me" or "I'm not assertive enough", or "I don't belong here". If someone questions your expertise, maybe the story is, "They think I'm incompetent" or "I'm going to be found out as a fraud", or "I'll never be taken seriously". And then ask yourself: what do you make it mean about you, your competence, or your worth? How does that thought make you feel? Probably some combination of angry, ashamed, anxious, frustrated, or maybe powerless.
And then, how do you typically act when you're feeling this way? Do you shut down? Get defensive? Over-explain yourself? Become passive-aggressive? Storm out, fighting back tears? Understanding this chain reaction—trigger, thought, feeling, action—is crucial because you can't interrupt the pattern if you don't know what the pattern is.
Step Three: is practicing the conversation in advance, like a form of rehearsal. Visualize the scenario in detail—the setting, the person, what they might say based on their past behavior. Script out your calm, professional response, like a pocket phrase. Write it down, if that helps. For example, if you're consistently interrupted in meetings, your pocket phrase might be, "Excuse me, I wasn't finished making my point. As I was saying..." and then you continue. If someone takes credit for your idea, your pocket phrase might be, "I appreciate you building on the concept I proposed in last week's email. Let's make sure we're aligned on the implementation." Notice how these responses are calm, factual, and don't match the other person's unprofessional energy.
Then—and this is important—practice it out loud. I mean it. Practice saying it in your car, in the shower, in front of a mirror, wherever. There's something about actually saying the words that makes them more accessible to you in the moment.
Rehearse staying in your body when you say them—breathing steadily, maintaining eye contact if you're practicing in a mirror, and speaking clearly at a measured pace. Anticipate their possible responses and prepare for those, too. If they get defensive or try to gaslight you, what will you say? If they dismiss you, what's your follow-up? The more scenarios you rehearse, the less likely you are to be caught completely off-guard.
Step Four: is using a mindfulness framework in the actual moment. Before the conversation, ground yourself. This might be doing some deep, measured breathing. It might be a centering technique where you notice your feet on the ground and remind yourself that you're safe, you're prepared, and you've got this.
During the conversation, notice when you're getting triggered—you'll feel it in your body because you've been practicing noticing it. When you feel it, pause and breathe. You don't have to respond immediately to everything. A brief pause actually makes you look more thoughtful and more in control. Return to your rehearsed response rather than your old reactive patterns. And remind yourself: this discomfort is temporary, and I've prepared for this moment. I know what I want to say and, more importantly, I know who I want to be in this moment.
The outcome of all this work is that you respond instead of react. You maintain your professional credibility. You set the boundary or make the point you needed to make, and you walk away feeling empowered instead of defeated, even if the other person didn't respond the way you would have hoped. Because here's the thing: you can't control their response. You can only control yours. And when you've shown up as the person you want to be—grounded, professional and clear—that's a win, no matter what they do.
This brings me to one of the most important distinctions you need to understand that some things are within your control and some aren't. What's within your control is how you prepare for difficult conversations, the boundaries you set and maintain, what you document and when, who you build alliances with, how you respond to unfair treatment, your own narrative about your competence and value, your energy management and recovery practices, and the strategic risks you're willing to take. What's not within your control is other people's bias, ignorance, or bad behavior, whether they like you or think you're nice, organizational culture that's been broken for decades, how quickly change happens in your workplace, or whether a specific person will ever respect you.
When you get really clear on this distinction, it's incredibly freeing because you can stop wasting energy trying to control things that were never yours to control in the first place. You can focus all that energy on things that are actually within your power to change. And that's where your power actually lives—in your response, your preparation, your strategy, your boundaries, and your narrative.
Here's something that many people overlook: you don't need to feel confident before you take action. In fact, it works the other way around. You build confidence by taking action despite the fear.
Doing an emotional rehearsal doesn't always calm your nerves, but it gives you a plan. The goal isn't fearlessness; the goal is courage. And courage is a muscle that you can build with repetition. Every time you have that difficult conversation, every time you set that boundary, every time you speak up even though your voice is shaking a little, you're building that muscle. It gets easier the more you do it.
You are stronger than you think you are, and it's time to stop playing small to make other people more comfortable. This isn't about becoming someone you're not. It's about becoming more fully yourself—the version of yourself who doesn't apologize for taking up space and who doesn't tolerate the intolerable from the workplace bully.
So, here's my challenge for you this week: identify one conversation you've been avoiding and commit to emotionally rehearsing it. Go through all four steps: recognize the trigger, examine the thought pattern, practice your response out loud, and use mindfulness techniques to keep you grounded when the time comes. Then, see what happens. Having the courage to push back may just make you less of a target the next time.
And that's it for this episode of Stop Sabotaging Your Success. Remember to download the Guide to Confronting Conversations That Trigger You at cindyesliger.com/podcast, episode two hundred and thirteen.
Thank you to our producer, Alex Hochhausen and everyone at Astronomic Audio. Get in touch, I'm on Instagram @cindyesliger. My email address is info@cindyesliger.com.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out The Confidence Collective. It's my monthly coaching program where we dig a little deeper into what's holding you back in your career and we find the workarounds. We help you overcome the barriers and create the career you want. Join me over at cindyesliger.com/join. I'd love to have you join me in The Confidence Collective.
Until next week, I'm Cindy Esliger. Thanks for listening.
